Lost In Sadness
by Greg'sgirl5
Summary: Sometimes even the smartest of people, just can't handle all the sadness. Sometimes, it's just too much. And sometimes, old habits are too easy to fall back into. After 'Lauren' Whole team, but Reid-centric. Love is in the air...and so is trouble.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

Morgan's heart jumped out of his chest. This wasn't happening. No. No, no, _no. _It couldn't happen. It was too fast. Too much. How...? Nothing was processing for him. His mind was an endless loop, every thought coming back to the original shock and questioning.

"What?" He almost shouted in his phone, earning strange looks from the other bullpen workers. But he didn't care.

"Reid was admitted to the hospital this morning after his neighbour found him unconscious in his apartment." Hotch said on the other end of the line, frustratingly calm. Why was he always so unaffected? Why?

Derek's mind was racing with fear. What had happened? This couldn't be happening... Not after... Not after the incident. He still couldn't say her name, let alone think it. It was too hard, the pain that would surely arise was too much to handle. Reid was... the last bit of sanity he had left.

This was all too much, far too fast. Why them? Why her? Why _Reid?_

"What happened?" He finally stuttered into the phone, noticing Garcia rushing over to him from her office door, no doubt noticing the agonizing fear gripping him tight.

Hotch sighed slowly. "He overdosed on Dilaudid."

That hit Derek like a ton of bricks. No. Not Reid. He had a drug problem? Since when? How had he missed that? How had he not noticed his best friend slipping into something so dangerous? Was his grief so much that he'd lost his caring for others? Dilaudid. How...why...? They'd always suspected something but that was... that was years ago. Years. Actually it was Em-... _her_, who noticed and suggested it to him and JJ. Another wave of pain hit him. Too many were leaving. They all left. Reid couldn't do that to him.

"Which hospital?" He asked urgently into the mouthpiece, watching as Penelope mouthed 'Hospital?' to him anxiously and tears immediately began to brim her carefully mascara coated lashes.

"Potomac. But he's not supposed to have visitors..." Hotch was saying, but Morgan was already speed walking down the hall, Garcia running after him hastily. Without a second thought, he snapped his cell shut and jammed the elevator button with his shaky index finger.

How could this even be happening? He was purely running on autopilot by now. Garcia had caught up and had a firm grip on his arm.

"Who?" She asked in a whisper, and he wondered whether or not he should tell her. He knew everything about his best friend, and she was fragile. Even more so after... after _it._ But then he had to tell her, because if she had to find out from someone else, she'd never speak to him again.

"...Reid." He said and watched as her face contorted in pain and confusion. She was mumbling under her breath, something that sounded like 'No', repeatedly and each was more and more frantic. For a second he wondered if he'd made a huge mistake, but he had no time for regrets.

The elevator binged and the doors slid open, and he hesitantly left her where she was in order to step into the elevator car. He leant against the rail and the metallic doors began to slide closed but Garcia stepped forwards and shoved them back open determinedly, moving to stand beside him.

"I'm coming with you." She told him firmly, tears already trailing down her cheeks. Her mascara stained her fair skin as she pushed the floor button. He stared into her brimming brown eyes, wondering what to say. Thoughts of Reid were pushing into his mind, and he fought to keep them out.

"Baby girl, you have a job you need to do." He said slowly, but inside he wished she could stay with him and not move from his side. Reid was invading his mind- memories were flashing by, stinging his emotions and filling his gut with worry.

The look she shot him was dangerously fierce, something he rarely ever saw in her usually cheerful and amused features. In fact she usually oozed out happiness, but at that second, anger and fear was radiating from her every movement.

"Do I look like I give a damn about my job right now Derek?" She said loudly, annunciating every syllable.

And he couldn't argue with her.

XXX

**3 hours earlier.**

He couldn't make his eyes move. They remained stuck on the clear little bottle, something he had learned to hate and even fear. It had been collecting dust in his cabinet for years, him somehow unable to dispose of it. That would make it too real. Dilaudid. He couldn't say the word out loud for some reason. It was strange for someone like him, so rational and smart, to be so weak sometimes. But he was. He had spent years avoiding even a glance at the clear liquid. But now...

He wasn't sure how he got here. Sitting on his bathroom floor, legs crossed and hand shaky. That scared him. What had brought him to this place? Not in the literal sense of course. More like what had made him think about that damn little bottle again?

He was starting to get frightened. Now he couldn't remember things? He had an eidetic memory and he couldn't recall how he had wound up here. What was wrong with him? The excruciating pain of his headaches was bad enough, he didn't need more confusion and despair.

Truth be told, he could take a guess. Her. She had haunted his mind since the funeral, always there, always poking at him. The grief still hadn't passed. Every night he would cry, something very unlike the Dr. Reid everyone knew. But he missed her so, _so _much. He missed her beautiful smile, her love science and her job, her eagerness and determination. He missed everything about her. She was so tough. So caring. So why her? Why did Emi-, no, why did _she _have to die?

Just having that errant thought run through his mind brought the salty water brimming to his eyes. The familiar lump filled his throat and the annoying sting bit at his nose. He struggled to breathe as he remembered her. Everything about her, as he did often. Maybe too often.

The way she never had enough Splenda in her coffee. The way she hadn't given up on him, even when he didn't accept her. How she always had some witty comment to add into the conversation, no matter what the topic seemed to be. When she managed to beat him at cards, the smile and twinkle in her eyes was enough to make him laugh. Sure, he might have purposefully let her win, but she actually believed she'd beat the resident genius. It was times like that, that made him want to smile, even when he hadn't been able to since... the incident. But then he remembered she was gone. Gone and never coming back. And so he would cry himself to sleep, unable to calm himself, smooth his hitched breathing or dam his waterfall of tears.

She had been his friend. His family. Actually, she'd been more like his sister. Maybe more, but he hadn't determined what exactly. And now he'd never have the chance. Because she was gone. And he hadn't gotten he chance to say goodbye. The last conversation they'd ever have would be about surveillance cameras. He wished he could have been there instead of Derek. He wished he could have at least seen her one last time. Held her hand and told her what she meant to him. Because in truth, she was a part of him. And without her here now, he didn't function. He wished the roles were reversed and he had died that night, and she was okay. But really, all he wished was that he could have said goodbye. That was all he wanted. That would have been enough.

That last thought pushed him over the edge and he took the bottle into his hands, watching the microscopic dust particles float effortlessly through the air. The feeling of the smooth glass in his fingers sent electricity through his veins, more of a feeling than he'd experienced in weeks. It was something he'd forbidden so long ago, such a rigid rule he was not to break. And yet having those walls fall before him was almost as addictive as the liquid twirling within the container, taunting him, calling out to him like a child would to their mother. Like he would have called to his own mother. Another pang of hurt rocked his body as he remembered the last trip he's taken on the Dilaudid, and all the memories of her that had surfaced those years ago.

A sob racked his body suddenly as the pain and hurt enveloped him. Everybody was gone. First his dad, then he selfishly sent his own mother away. And Elle and then Gideon left without a word. Then his rock and very best friend JJ was pulled from his grasps. And now... now her. He refused to even think her name. Her beautiful name. In fact, every time he heard a word even similar, his eyes stung with the promise of more pain. Any time he saw someone with the same hair, a similar blouse, even someone who had those delicately placed eyelashes, his stomach twisted into knots of grief. He wouldn't be able to untangle them for hours, sometimes days.

She had been so much to him. More than he could have imagined, if he hadn't experienced it already. She was always there for him. Always. She knew nearly everything about him including his almost scream inducing headaches. And now she was gone, and so was that secret. She said she would never tell. And now she couldn't. It had been a relief having someone know. Someone he could call if he couldn't see for the pain, couldn't breathe properly in the agony. But now he couldn't. Because she wasn't there anymore, and so he had to do this on his own. All on his own. _He was alone._

He unscrewed the metal cap with trembling fingers. What was he doing? He couldn't do this... but then there was her. He wanted with all his heart just to see her again. To see her smile... to see her laugh and wink at him. And using the clear, swirling drug could do that...

The cap almost fell onto the ground as it reached the top, but flew downwards onto his leg. He was suddenly, acutely focused on that bottle. What was in that little bottle was so horrific that he almost thought about putting it back on the shelf and walking out. But he was too far now. He could smell the bittersweet edge of the Dilaudid, something that was far too familiar for his liking, yet so distant that smelling it again was almost painful. He could see it swishing slightly against the glass edges, and he stared for a few minutes.

Unfortunately, a few minutes was all it took for more memories of _her_, to float across his mind. Her warm hand clutching his after the Cyrus case. Her incredibly tight hug after he'd almost been blown up. Her handing him his coffee every morning, just as he liked it. He would never have that happen again. He now had to get his own coffee, no perfect ratio of whatever she put into it, no smile from her face, no her. He purposefully got his morning cup from a shop, rather than the office pot, in order to avoid the agonizing thoughts.

By now his eyes had moved to the needle laying on the wooden floor of the cupboard under the sink. The sharp pin like metal was pointed towards him, almost like a taunt. The little numbers seemed to swim into the air, until he realized that was due to his now fully flowing tears. That needle had been his best friend a few years ago. It was there for him after every tough case, every time he cried and every time he needed relief. Relief from the horrors he saw on the job, the voices that haunted his brain, and the ones he couldn't save, that ate away at him day after day.

They still ate away at him. Everything ate away at him. His past, his losses, his failures, his weaknesses, his headaches and her. It all came back to her.

Everything was empty and dark, cold and sad. Nothing had any aspect of life anymore. It was all dark. And sad. So sad.

And so he grabbed the needle.

**So? I HAD TO, I'M SORRY. :D Review? PLEASE.**


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

The hospital lights reflected off the pastel blue walls, adding to the overly clean effect. Garcia didn't like it, but she wouldn't be anywhere else but here right now. She twiddled her tear and mascara stained fingers, unable to be still.

She looked up at Derek, who was still negotiating with the doctor. Penelope had given up by now, the nurses wouldn't budge either. No visitors until he was conscious and they could evaluate him further.

"Could we please just see the state he's in? It would help." Morgan argued once more, but by now the doctor was fed up. He placed a firm hand on his shoulder and sighed.

"I know it's tough. But I'm pretty sure he'll be okay. Hang in there, and as soon as he's awake, you can go in." The old, worn looking man told her best friend, and she saw the pain ripping him apart inside. Truth was she felt the same pain, but she wasn't with Reid every day. She wasn't by his side all the time. She couldn't imagine Derek's mind set right now.

"We'll be waiting here." He muttered to the doctor, who gave him a reassuring smile.

"You'll be the first to know." He said, and walked down the long hallway, his white coat flapping behind him.

They better be the first to know. Garcia couldn't handle it otherwise. It would be okay. Larger forces would fix this. It was too soon after... after... _Emily's death. _It took force to even think those words, but they had to come to terms with it eventually. But it was too soon, JJ and Prentiss were gone, Reid couldn't be too.

She loved him so much. So, _so_ much. He couldn't leave them. A world without Spencer Reid was _not _one she wished to live in. It hurt just to have him off sick, which was never more than one day, but it still hurt. No random statistics, no socially awkward smiles, no shaky fingers running through his messy hair. Everything about that boy was awkward, and yet he managed to be the most incredible person she knew. Without him they were nothing.

"How did we not notice?" Derek asked angrily from the seat beside her. His head was in his hands, but his foot was tapping insistently. She let herself believe he was okay, even when she knew better. She had to deal with her own pain first. Her own trap that wouldn't let go.

How _had _they not noticed? They were profilers! Sure, they were all absolutely grief-stricken after Emily, but god, how could they miss this? Reid was addicted to drugs? _Drugs? _She'd suspected it years ago, after the Hankel case, but she'd stopped worrying after a few months. Had he been on it that whole time? It was unlikely, but Jesus, this made you wonder. What was _wrong _with her? Why hadn't she spotted it?

"I don't know..." She said quietly, before a sob consumed her. The lights blurred as her tears spilled over, and she began to tremble. Poor Reid. What had he done wrong? Nothing! And yet just like always, he was getting the short end of the stick. And it was their fault! They didn't notice. How stupid was she?

Morgan's arms gripped her tight, and she felt a few tears of his own splash against the back of her neck. She just sobbed into his chest, unable to hold it in anymore. His warmth soothed her, but somehow fuelled more tears, and more guilt. This was her fault. All hers. She should have checked all his files, hacked his medical records, purchases or... anything. She hadn't thought to because it was rude and intrusive, but every once and a while she checked up on her family. So why hadn't she seen this?

"This is my fault." She said softly, not even comprehending the fact that it had been said out loud. But Morgan instantly released her from his grasps, and leant back to look her firmly through both their tear coated lashes.

"Baby Girl. Don't even think about thinking that. You couldn't have known, or suspected anything. He's been distant for awhile, we all assumed he was just grieving in his own way. How could you have known? Even if you'd tracked his every move on your computers you still wouldn't have spotted it." He told her reassuringly. It didn't help much, but it was enough to slow her tears.

"Okay?" He asked, as he grabbed hold of her hand. She managed a nod, and he smiled sadly. But suddenly, a thought rippled through her mind.

"Isn't Dilaudid...?" She started, but couldn't find the courage to finish.

"What Tobias Hankel used to drug Reid? Yeah. It was." Morgan said, and a tear trickled down his cheek. He was staring at the wall, and Penelope worried about him. He wasn't acting as he normally would- all rational and strong. No, right now he was lost... broken. Just as she was.

"Maybe that's how he got it." She said, having to shove the struggled words out of her mouth, feeling each assumption stab like a knife. She couldn't deal with any of this. Why couldn't Reid just talk to them? Were they bad friends? Was his definition of family different from hers? Or was it the fact that they were all so isolated, they had managed to make themselves unapproachable? She couldn't figure it out, but one thought seemed to linger in her mind.

Embarrassment. Reid wasn't used to having flaws. In fact, she knew he despised them. So why would he tell them if he had a drug problem? He would worry they would judge him, be disappointed, maybe disown him. Of course Garcia knew they would never, ever think that way but... maybe Spencer didn't. Maybe he thought that a drug problem was meant to be a dirty little secret. Something nobody knew about.

So much for that.

"Why wouldn't he have talked to me? I... I thought we told each other when we had a problem. Like his headaches... he told my all about them, so why not this?" Derek asked, but it seemed like an absent question to himself more than anything. But Garcia couldn't have him blaming himself.

"Would you tell us if _you _had a drug problem?" She asked him softly, and he moved to meet her eyes. They both knew the answer. No. Nobody would have ever known. They could have been fired, charged and everyone would be disappointed, right? Now she could imagine just how her boy genius had felt about his evil secret.

Derek stuttered out a short "No..."

She leant her head against his shoulder and sighed with pain. She needed Reid right now. She needed him to walk in the room, gangly and awkward, then spout off some statistics about how many drug addicts have anyone else know about their problem. Probably something like 5%, she figured. But she didn't know. He would.

"I can't sit around here. I need to see him." Derek said as he stroked her hair, and breathed across her neck. She had the exact same thoughts running through her already confused head. And so she made up her mind.

She stood up suddenly, watching as Morgan gave her a speculative look. But she ignored it, and stormed towards the front desk, feeling him trailing her the whole way. She stared down at the secretary, determined to get inside.

"Miss, we need to go see Agent Spencer Reid," She said firmly, putting emphasis on 'agent', and flashing her badge. The nurse looked slightly frightened, but tried to remain calm and reserved.

"I know ma'am, but as the doctor said-" She began, but Penelope caught her off card and interrupted.

"Listen to me. Lives are at stake. I don't care if he's conscious or not, we need in that room now. And if that's a problem, I can get some officers over here to forcibly remove anyone in our way." She said more firmly than possibly ever in her life. She felt bad as the nurse looked startled, but tried to remain tough looking. She knew Derek's face was probably full of disbelief, but she needed to see her kid genius.

"Um... Okay...room 305." The nurse stumbled, and Garcia smiled quickly, before rushing off down the hall. She expected Morgan to be behind her, but she turned to see him holding back, as the nurse looked at him.

Penelope heard her ask him, "Am I going to get fired for this?"

To which he quickly replied "I'll make sure you don't." With a smile, and jogged towards where she stood at the elevators.

Garcia pressed the small yellow button, and waited. She knew he was going to ask her questions, but she was unprepared for what he actually said.

"Lives are at stake?" He asked her, and raised an eyebrow half-heartedly. She looked at the ground.

"The faster he's okay, the faster he can come back to work, and help save future victims. So yeah, lives are at stake, Derek." She said shortly, and in her heart felt a pang of pain. _Come back to work. _What if he couldn't? FBI agent's can't do drugs, or they're fired. She'd have to go into his file and remove anything suspicious.

"I've never seen you that way before." Morgan told her, and moved to hold her hand. She looked into his chocolate brown eyes, and gave him a genuine sad smile.

"You're not usually around when my family's hurt."

XXX

JJ threw the little blue ball at Henry, watching as her son giggled and tried with chubby fingers to pick it up off the carpet. Will laughed with him, zooming on the video camera, trying to capture the delight in the child's eyes.

He finally managed to grasp the plastic sphere, only to have it cascade out of his fingers with a pop. He looked confused for a moment, but soon was crawling his way towards it, laughing as he stumbled over a stuffed monkey.

Will watched as JJ's face lit up with happiness, as her son finally caught up to the rolling ball, and pounced on it like a tiger cub. Every feature on her radiated joy and beauty, and he found himself falling in love all over again. Unknowingly, he moved the camera to frame her face, and he watched with amazement as she giggled and pulled her son into her arms, kissing him on the cheek.

It was the happiest he had seen her in weeks, since the ordeal with Emily Prentiss. Will wasn't sure why, but usually instead of seeing grief in his beautiful partner's eyes, he saw guilt. Why? She wasn't near Emily when she died, so why did she feel so guilty? He shoved the thoughts to the back of his mind; he could think about them later.

Henry squirmed in his mother's arms, and escaped into the hallway, tumbling down the carpeted corridor like a speed racer. JJ looked at him with amusement and he shut off the camera, and raced after her out of the room, in pursuit of their sneaky son.

He followed her slim figure towards the master bedroom, where Henry had now barrelled into. Keeping up with the beautiful toddler was hard work, but Will didn't mind in the slightest.

He caught up to find Jennifer running in circles after Henry, who had just recently learned to walk, and showed no signs of slowing down. He was giggling incessantly, probably completely out of breath, but in the usual style of a hyper toddler, hadn't even realized it yet.

"Come here, you little munchkin!" She teased and grabbed him from under the arms. He squealed and fought against her, but remained completely amused.

She brought him over to the bed, and jumped onto it, flopping both their heads onto the red pillows. Her blonde hair flowed over his wispy brown, and her eyes met his as she pulled him close.

Will crawled onto the queen sized bed, and relaxed beside Henry, snaking his arm across to encircle both of the most important people in his life. He chuckled quietly, and stroked JJ's hip, pressing his lips to Henry's forehead.

"Silly boy." He muttered, and lay his head down, his breath ghosting onto his tuckered out toddler's neck.

"Silly!" Henry squealed, and giggled once more.

"Well silly boy's gotta go to bed soon, it's almost 8:00!" JJ said animatedly, and moved her beautiful blue eyes to stare into Will's. He stared back, unable to look away from her perfection.

As cliché as it sounded, he enjoyed just sitting and living in that perfect moment. And then, in another cliché, the phone rang.

JJ groaned and sat up still not breaking eye contact, as he pulled Henry towards him, peeling him away from his mother. Finally she was forced to pull her blue eyes away from him, as she padded towards the bathroom counter where the phone lay ringing.

Will watched her until she was out of sight, then turned back to Henry. He proceeded to tickle his son, as he giggled uncontrollably under his father's touch. In the back of his mind, he registered the sound of the bathroom door clicking closed, but he was too focused on Henry to notice anything.

The boy snuggled into the crook of his neck, his small, warm breath hitting smoothly on Will's skin. He stroked his son's tiny shoulder, humming an unidentifiable lullaby subconsciously. He could spend hours just watching him- he was almost magical.

Will was drawn out of his trance as he heard the bathroom door open once more. He looked up towards the small hallway that led to it, and saw her walk in slowly, head down.

"What was that about?" He asked her, but all she did was loom up to meet his eyes.

Hers were glossy and red, mascara running down her cheeks, which were flushed and twitching with held back sobs. Will was sitting up in an instant.

"We need to go to the hospital. Now." She stuttered out, before breaking down and letting the cries consume her.

Will looked down at his son, who now lay sleeping on their comforter. The wonder of the moment had gone, leaving only fear and pain in it's spot.

**So? DID YA LIKE IT? Sorry it's so late, my computer was having ussuesss :( REVIEW PLZ**


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

**Earlier.**

Reid hated needles. He hated them all. So why did he use one to stab his wonder drug into his arm? Well it's not like there was another way. He couldn't ingest it, or rub it on in a cream. No, the only way was a needle. And so he had to use one.

It was shaky in his hand as he shoved it into the bottle of Dilaudid, not sure of what he was doing anymore. Even geniuses have their weaknesses. He pulled back the light blue tab, watching as the clear liquid bubbled into the needle. It mesmerized him, but he didn't know why.

The rational part of his brain was screaming at the top of it's lungs for him to stop. _Stop! What are you doing? You're going to throw everything out the window for a drug? Just to see her again? You're willing to give up your life just for that? You're going to get addicted! Stop it Spencer! _

But he couldn't stop. Some part of him knew that was stupid, because technically, of course he _could _stop, but he just wasn't able to want to. He was too far gone, and he needed the drug. He needed the memories, and the numbness and the relaxation. That moment where all the stress alleviated off him... that was all he wanted.

She was till haunting his mind, never leaving it. Her eyes bore into his soul, and each memory of her smile, laugh or playful slap cut through him like a blade. He needed to see her again. To hug her, and laugh with her. He needed to play cards with her, protect her when a gun was pointed. He needed to save her. Because she was everything.

She was the one he told his secrets to. She was the one he could count on no matter what. She was the one who he had kept inside jokes with, the one who sensed when he looked at her from across the room. Everything about her was special. The way she did her make-up, the way she styled her hair. Her unique fashion sense, and hilarious sense of humour. The way her face lit up when she got to help with a scientific procedure. The way she always put herself before everyone else.

And she had. And that's why she wasn't there anymore. Because she risked her life, to save theirs. And they couldn't find her in time. _He _couldn't find her in time. She died because of them. Because they didn't put the puzzle together. If only he'd found more information. If only he'd spotted something... anything. But he hadn't. And now... she was gone.

And he had to see her again. So he finished filling the needle, trying to remember how much to use. He'd gone up to a full needle before, when he needed it the most. And he _needed _it now.

So he tensed his left arm, prepared for the bite of pain. The needle pointed sharply at him, and just before he moved, he felt a fear. Fear that he was losing everything he stood for. Everything he had ever promised, was flying out the window. But he just didn't care anymore. He had to see her again. He had to stop feeling the agony that pulsed through him day after day.

The needle plunged into his skin, perfectly aimed at his vein, and he paused for a moment. The sting wore off quickly, but he hesitated. He could still stop now, right? Once he pushed his thumb down, he would throw away all he had worked for. But he'd managed before. Nobody had found out. Nobody had asked questions. Not even Garcia, who he knew kept tabs on all of them.

More pain hit his heart. His team. They all loved him. They would be so disappointed. They would hate him. And he deserved it all. He deserved every ounce of hate they could feel towards him. He was so weak. They were all better than him, he was always the weakest link. And the position he sat in now just proved it. Should he stop? He knew the obvious answer but... he... he just couldn't stop now.

His thumb slowly injected the drug into his system, making a new mark on his pale arm, right beside the old scars that strangely enough, nobody had noticed. It flowed into his bloodstream, pulsing and cold. It felt so right that he almost smiled. And that scared him even more than the idea of what he was doing.

He pulled the needle out of his arm and chucked it on the linoleum tile half hazardly. He began to stand up, but stumbled and decided to stay down, as it took effect. Everything was blurred around the edges, and he felt pure bliss as everything numbed. His heart rate slowed, and his breathing become glacial.

But something was wrong. It was happening to quickly. Normally it took at least a minute or two for him to feel this numb. And it had only been 42.8 seconds. He tried to figure out what was wrong, but the Dilaudid put a roadblock in front of his thoughts. Why was it all going so fast?

His eyelids were drooping, and he fought to keep them open, but was failing miserably. He relaxed against his will, slumping against his bathtub. He felt the familiar warmth spread from his heart, moving to consume him like a blanket.

And then his eyes slid closed, and everything went black. He noticed himself hit the hard floor, but didn't register anything else. He could smell the Dilaudid that had spilled out of the still open bottle, and he wanted to be angry at himself for wasting it, but couldn't find any emotion within himself.

But he stopped caring then, because he fell fully unconscious. Because there she was.

She was in front of him, sitting on the private BAU jet. Everyone else was sleeping, except them. The lights reflected off her black hair beautifully, and framed her face angelically. She looked up from the book in her hand, and smiled at him as he sat down with his coffee.

It was 2:18 AM, after one of the toughest cases they'd had in a while. He took a moment to study the book cover. Stephen King. He hadn't expected that, but then again, nothing she did was ever predictable. He took a sip of the coffee, but it wasn't hot, and he didn't know why, but it didn't matter for some reason.

She glanced at his tapping fingers, seemingly calculating something in her head. But all he could do was look at her. The face he had missed so much. She was so beautiful. Even when relaxed, she had smile lines, and her eyes twinkled with an unknown joke. Her hair was tied back messily, but still looked perfect. Her purple shirt complimented her every feature, and as she caught him staring, a small blush rose to her skin.

And for the first time in a long time, Spencer smiled.

XXX

Morgan clutched Reid's hand, futilely hoping it would bring him comfort. But it didn't. The same sadness still consumed him that had hours ago, when he'd received the damn phone call from Hotch. He tightened his grip on the gangly fingers, but still, he felt no better.

He studied his friend's figure, feeling things he hadn't since the funeral. Guilt. Grief. Agony. Reid looked weak. He had purple bags under his already sunken eyes, and his cheeks were redder than Morgan remembered, and he felt a pang of pain as he realized it was probably from tears.

But what was worse was the scars. The tiny red pinpricks, now so incredibly visible on his inner arm. How had he not noticed those before? Now they seemed brighter than anything about the man, and he wanted to go back in time and notice them. Those scars meant Reid _had _dealt with a drug problem before. And he didn't do anything about it. No, he hadn't even noticed. What was wrong with him?

Garcia was on the other side of the bed, clutching her kid genius's other hand, trying to wipe away tears of her own. It hurt him to see her this way. His baby girl wasn't supposed to be so pained and sad. She was the one who managed to stay happy and bright. And seeing her now, torn apart by grief, made him want to hit something.

He just wanted to have it stop. All the bad stuff that happened to them. It was too much. All of it.

A knock on the door broke him from his thoughts and he looked up to see JJ walk inside with Will close behind, a sleeping Henry in his arms. JJ looked even more pained than she had all those weeks ago, when she had told them those horrible, painful, agonizing words. Now her make-up was smeared beside her eyes, no doubt due to trying to wipe it away, her cheeks were blotchy and her hands were trembling.

Penelope was up in an instant, pulling her into a bone crushing hug, both of them holding each other tightly, as if it was the only thing holding them to reality. When they pulled away, both sniffed back sobs, and Morgan moved his eyes to Will, who looked out of place, but obviously didn't want to leave JJ's side.

"What... what happened?" She stuttered out, and moved to stand beside Reid's bed, looking like she wanted to touch him, but was afraid of the consequences. Nobody answered her. They both stayed quiet. Nobody wanted to say it out loud... because... that would make it real.

Now he wished Garcia had just told her over the phone, where they didn't have to see her reaction. But here they would have to see it, and Derek found himself cringe as she moved her ice blue eyes to stare at him worriedly.

"Guys." She said harshly, and he knew what was going on inside her head. Memories would be flashing by, her thoughts would be doubting and accusing her, all the while she was probably scanning her mind for anything she could come up with. Morgan knew that was the worst punishment, and so he spoke up.

"He overdosed on... Dilaudid. His uh... neighbour found him." He said slowly and watched a small gasp escaped her lips, and she moved her hand to run in through Reid's messy hair. It traced his cheek, but he didn't stir, obviously still on his trip, and needing sleep desperately.

"Dilaudid? They... they never found the drugs on Hankel. He must have... must have..." JJ said, but stopped before she began to sob. She put her free hand to her mouth, almost as if to stop an upcoming cry.

Morgan shot her a comforting look. He wanted to get up and hug her, but he just couldn't let go of Reid's hand. Too many people had left him, and Reid couldn't. He feared that by letting go, he would somehow be letting go of him altogether, and he couldn't do that. He needed Spencer. More than he would ever admit to anyone.

That kid was his rock. He made him laugh, and smile, and even groan in frustration, when he was being especially annoying. He never failed to throw in a random statistic, and he never failed to come up with the key to cracking a case. But even more so, Spencer Reid was his friend. One of the best friends he had ever had in his life time.

"When will he wake up?" Will asked in his thick accent, but it didn't stop Derek from hearing pain in his voice. Was he super close to Spencer? No. But he was his son's godfather, and spent ample time at their house. He knew him well enough to feel the sadness they all did, and have his own worry inside him.

"Doctor said fairly soon. When he does they'll have to evaluate him, and we'll have to come back once they're done." Derek, said to him, and then looked down to see Henry laying peacefully in his father's arms, in that adorable toddler half-asleep-yet-still-dreaming way. He felt a small smile come to his face at the sight.

He really was a beautiful kid. He was JJ and Will's pride and joy, not to mention the whole team's. They all loved him beyond words, and would take care of him no matter what. And Reid was his godfather. The little boy's godfather was now lying unconscious in a hospital bed, 3 feet from him, and the child had absolutely no idea.

"How long will the evaluation take?" Penelope asked quietly, stroking Reid's other hand delicately. She had new tears brimming to her eyes.

"About half an hour." Hotch's voice came from the doorway, as he stood in place, looking at Reid's unconscious body. Morgan could tell he was doing the same thing he had done since stepping into the room. Counting each breath the young man's figure took, and each beep on the heart monitor. Every drop of the IV and every line spike on the screen. It was the only thing keeping him sane.

"You expect me to wait outside for half an hour just when he wakes up?" Morgan said, with a ludicrous tone to his voice. No. No way. Not happening. The kid would be freaked out, feeling embarrassed and shameful.

"That's exactly what I and the hospital expect." He said in his firm and very Hotch-like tone. His eyes bore an icy glare, but Derek could see the pain behind it. He could see right through his facade to the guilt, grief, pain and sorrow.

"Well I'm not." Garcia stuttered out, and stood up to faced her boss, something she basically never did. It shocked Morgan to see her do so, but then again, she was his baby girl and Reid was her boy wonder.

"He needs to know that we love him no matter what. And that we're here for him. He needs to know we don't judge him for this." She said in a shaky, but firm voice. Hotch looked taken aback, but paused for a moment, obviously studying her face. All eyes were on him.

"She's right you know." Morgan said, and stood up, never letting go of his best friend's hand. "He should know that we aren't leaving him. And we aren't going to ignore it like we did before."

"Spencer is the type of person who needs that. He feels alone in his mind, and having friends here will help." Said Rossi as he walked into the room, his hair watery from the rain outside.

"You guys know how Spence is." JJ said, speaking for the first time in a while. "He'll blame himself. Think he's weak. He's gonna believe this is all his fault."

Everyone was quiet for a moment, as Hotch digested the sudden retaliation. But Morgan knew he had to give in. After everything they'd been through, he was gonna make them wait outside while Reid was treated like a weak drug addict? No, no he wasn't.

"It is my fault..." Came a cracked voice from the bed, and all heads whipped to see a conscious Spencer Reid, staring at them with shame in his watery eyes.

**So? You like? Review please, and suggestions are welcome!**

*And side note, while writing the first part of this, I was listening to the end song of 'Lauren' and I recommend you do while reading it! Here's the link:

**.com/watch?v=vlB_8TYnt88 **


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

"It is my fault..." He said quietly, and tried to stop the oncoming tears. He hated them seeing him like this. It wasn't fair, he was supposed to be strong but... he wasn't. He was weak. And worthless. They were only here because they pitied him, right?

"No." Three people shot back at him defensively. Truth be told, he had expected just those three to say so; JJ, Morgan and Garcia. He flicked his eyes between them, before looking down, ashamed.

"Don't think that Reid. Don't you ever think that. This is not your fault, and you aren't weak, and we're here for you. We always are, and you know that. You do, right?" Garcia said, still managing to be bubbly, despite the clear, obvious fear consuming her voice.

Spencer said nothing, and kept his eyes on the white, lightly patterned sheets in front of him. He felt exposed and worthless, and weak. He _was _worthless and weak. His family was now looking at him in a hospital bed, after doing the weakest thing he could ever imagine; giving in to his cravings. God, why was he such a weakling? He was so stupid. He was...was... nothing.

Nobody said anything. The silence filled the room, numbing each occupant on the surface, but reaching nowhere near the pain inside. All the guilt and embarrassment was stabbing Reid like a knife, and he couldn't find the energy to look up.

"Kid. We aren't leaving you anytime soon. We don't blame you." Morgan told him firmly, but he couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true. Drug abusers didn't get love... hell, they didn't deserve it anyway. He was weak, and dirty, and horrible and...

It was then that he realised Morgan was gripping his pale hand. He'd never done that before, and although he was close to the man, it felt odd. He unwillingly pulled his hand back slightly, and watched as the hand loosened on his.

He finally built up the courage to say something, but still avoided eye contact.

"You must hate me..." He muttered, but heard all his coworkers inhale sharply.

"Reid, what's gotten into you? We could never, ever hate you!" Garcia said loudly, instantly reaching out to grip his hand. He wanted to squeeze back, but was too ashamed. But she insistently rubbed his palm, eager to show her 'love'. But he still couldn't accept that they didn't hate him. How could they not?

"Look to me Spencer." JJ said, and tilted his chin up with her delicate finger. He didn't have any choice but to look at her and guilt pooled inside of him. Her eyes were hurt, and it was because of him.

"We love you. I love you. You need to understand that. This..." She said, and gestured at him, seemingly unaware of how embarrassed it made him. "is _not _something to be ashamed of."

"It is!" He couldn't help the shout that flew out of his mouth. She looked taken aback, but still had a firm hold on his bare arm.

He sighed as all eyes stayed on him. "It is something to be ashamed of."

"No it isn't Reid." Hotch said firmly. "Nobody is perfect, and we all have weaknesses. This job... it cracks us. It damages us. And that has to come out somewhere."

Spencer looked him in the eyes, but regretted it soon after, when he saw something in them. He wasn't sure what it was exactly, although it seemed to him like an accusation. Telling him that he was pathetic. A disappointment, a let-down and an idiot. At least he was honest...

Spencer wasn't sure what to say... Or do for that matter. Everybody was looking at him pitifully, and it wasn't helping. Wasn't he supposed to have an evaluation or something? Most dru-... Drug overdoses needed an immediate check up. It took force to admit to himself what happened, and he was pretty sure the anger and pain showed on his face.

"Reid? You okay?" Rossi asked, speaking for the first time. Reid expected to see disappointment in his eyes, but he couldn't see any. What he did see, he wouldn't believe.

He sighed. "Aren't I supposed to have an evaluation...?" He asked, not really finishing the sentence. He just wanted them out. He wanted them gone, and away from...just him in general. He was embarrassed, and exposed and conflicted... He didn't want them looking at him, and judging him. He just... He didn't know.

"Um... Yeah." Morgan said, probably taken by surprise, but probably figured it was something the usual Dr. Reid would ask.

"I'll uh... Go get a doctor..." Rossi said in a low tone, and backed out of the room, but not without giving Spencer a knowing look. 'It'll be okay'. But it wouldn't, would it? Last time he was addicted to Dilaudid, he changed. He was angry all the time, easily ticked off, and annoying. He became less of a human being than he had ever been before. What if that happened? He knew he was going to have trouble fighting the cravings, he could already feel the need for more coming on.

"Sweetie, we can stay with you for the evaluation if you want." Garcia said, and squeezed his fingers gently. It felt nice to know they cared but... It was just too embarrassing. Not only had he done drugs, now they wanted to stick around with him while he got prodded and tested and questioned?

"No. You have better things to do. I'll be okay." He said quietly, and began to retract his hand from Garcia's, as he saw the doctor walk down the hall, but her iron grip wouldn't let go.

"Spencer! We do NOT have better things to do. I walked out of the bullpen in the middle of a briefing- do I regret it? No." She replied back in a high voice.

Awesome, now he was getting them in trouble with their jobs. It was enough that he was never returning to the BAU (which he still wasn't sure he could handle) but now they could get fired?

"Great. You're all going to get in trouble too. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...I...just.. I'm pathetic and... I..." Before he knew it, the tears spilled over, staining his cheeks. He felt even more weak, but he couldn't control them. What had he done? He'd ruined everything. Everything. That's all he ever did: ruin stuff. Ruin lives, ruin jobs... ruin his friends.

"Oh, Spence..." JJ said softly, and hugged him awkwardly, running her fingers through his messy hair. It felt motherly, and reminded him of when he was a child, seeking comfort after bullies threw rocks at him.

"You are _not _pathetic Reid." Will said, slightly out of place, but still a part of the family. His accent was different though, and Reid realized it was due to him holding back tears. But why?

Just then the doctor walked in, and JJ reluctantly released him from her grasp. But Penelope's hand remained glued to his, and it was slowly cutting off his blood flow.

"Hello, my name is Doctor Wesley." The man said kindly, but Reid wanted nothing to do with him. He just wanted everybody to leave him alone. But apparently, the doctor had other ideas.

"We need to give you a mandatory evaluation, to see your current medical status so we can measure any further improvements or complications. I would ask the visitors to leave, but in a case like yours it may be beneficial for you to keep one of them here." The middle aged man said with a slight British accent, and tapped his fingers on his clipboard. _A case like yours. _

This was it. Bring on the shame and humiliation. He didn't want anyone in the room, but... he didn't know if he could do this alone. He took a second to scan the faces in the room, starting with Rossi, and going to Hotch, Morgan, Will and Henry, Garcia, then JJ. Each looked at him, some teary eyed, others worried.

"...JJ...?" He muttered quietly, and looked up at her. She smiled through her tears and took his hand as Garcia let go.

"Of course." She replied back tenderly, and squeezed his fingers. He avoided her eyes, still wondering what he looked like. A voice in his head screamed 'weak' at him loudly.

The team muttered hushed goodbyes, and left, each of them giving him one last sad look. He didn't make eye contact, for the fear of seeing exactly what he was scared for; disappointment, betrayal, pity and most of all, pain.

XXX

JJ fought to hold back tears as the doctor ran through procedural questions, and Spencer answered slow and stuttered. His hair was messy on his head, his limbs looking especially gangly under the thin hospital sheets. His mouth formed a firm frown, but it was the eyes that got her. It wasn't the fact that they were red and avoiding her, although that added to the worry. No, it was the pain she saw in them. He was embarrassed, and sad and guilt-stricken.

"Spencer," The doctor began once more, but he interrupted with a raise of his fingers. The older man looked at him speculatively, but allowed him to continue.

"Um...I'd prefer Reid..." He spoke quietly, and JJ's heart shattered further, if possible. She knew he only allowed very close people to call him Spencer. It was something she prided herself on, in fact, she was the only person besides his mother who ever called him by the nickname Spence. But she could tell he didn't mind.

"Of course, Reid." The older man said, and once again ran his pen down the sheet on his clipboard. JJ immediately focused back to Reid, unable to keep her eyes off him.

Nothing was right anymore. Everything was somehow stained- every thought that ran through her mind was stained a deep red, and filled with disbelief. Spencer was the last person she had ever expected to fall victim to drugs. And now he was going to beat himself up over it. No, she was determined to help him through this, as easily as she possibly could.

"So, do you have any discomfort at the moment? Muscle pain, repertory troubles, anything unusual?" The doctor asked, spurring her out of her thoughts. She squeezed Reid's hand, and forced a small reassuring smile. She knew she was treating him like a baby, but it came naturally.

"...Just a headache. But that's normal for me..." He said lowly, still yet to meet the doctors eyes. But the man didn't pry, or react on it, and JJ knew he would understand his patients reluctance to accept anything at the moment.

"Okay, if it gets worse, You need to tell me or a nurse, please don't be embarrassed, because it could be a sign of complications, alright?" The doctor told him, and Spencer nodded, still staring blankly at the white sheets.

"Would you mind telling me your history of medical problems? It takes a while to attain records, especially when you're an FBI, so it's better just to discuss it here." Dr. Wesley said, and waited for the younger man to start. When he didn't, JJ rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb, in some effort to soothe him.

"Um..." He started, and finally looked up to meet the older man's eyes. "I.. was shot in the leg... and infected with Anthrax...uh... Oh, I was tortured and...well..."

He was unable to finish, and JJ heard the thickness of his voice. He gestured to the bed, seemingly trying to get the message across. The doctor looked sympathetic, and smiled at him.

"Drugged? Don't worry, it happen frequently, and an important thing to remember, not that an FBI wouldn't know it, is that it isn't your fault. So, I saw no signs of long term abuse, I'm assuming you managed to get clean?" Dr. Wesley asked somewhat reluctantly, and began a note on the crisp paper.

JJ continued rubbing the back of Spence's hand, as it seemed to help him. He took a few seconds, before clearing his throat.

"Yes. I managed to quit on my own, and then went through a narcotics anonymous group." JJ listened and felt her heart disintegrate. _Managed to quit on my own. _They hadn't been there when he needed it most! What was wrong with them? She knew enough to realize just how horrible withdrawal was, and Spencer had to do it absolutely alone? She had let him down.

"So you're familiar with the withdrawal for Dilaudid, and what you'll be dealing with?" He asked, seemingly checking the last of his boxes.

"Very much so."

**SO HEYYYY, YOU LIKE? Sorry it's been so long- I'm super busyyyyyyyyy :( REVIEW PLZ?**


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

Ashley Seaver didn't worry much. It wasn't her type to be honest. She figured that after her childhood, everything would eventually fall into place and everything would be okay. But now, right now she was scared beyond her wits.

She hadn't known Spencer Reid long, but it was enough time to figure out some things about him. Honestly, her first impression had been a geeky, socially awkward genius, who really couldn't keep his mouth shut. But now she'd been here for long enough to know that there was far more to the tall man than anyone really took the time to see. He was caring, and determined, and loving and smart. But he was also scared. Of his own mind, of everything he could possibly become. He worried for his future, his possible schizophrenia, and the headaches that he never talked about, but had become incredibly obvious. Ashley Seaver was worried for him too.

She cared for him, more than she normally would have allowed herself to. She was a guarded person, but with Reid she seemed to be able to let them down. Maybe because he was so oblivious to emotions. Or was he? Maybe he just ignored them in order to be more focused on the cases and remain 'logical'? Maybe he did notice, but didn't show it?

One thing she did know, was that regardless if he noticed or not, she hadn't. The team hadn't. They'd been so caught up in themselves to notice him spiralling downwards. When she thought back on it, Ashley could remember things that she had brushed aside, that now were lit up like giant warning signs. The way he went through 10 cups of coffee a day. She knew he normally drank a lot anyway, but come on, 10 cups? The fact that he seemed to crumble every time he had to walk past Emily's desk. Nobody had moved anything, and a fine layer of dust had settled upon it, but not even Ashley could bring herself to really look at it. The way he stared of into space, as if in a daydream, but not really. It was more like a day-nightmare, and she saw the pain flash across his eyes, and she pretended not to notice him as he would snap out of it, and attempt to hide the forming tears.

A wave of regret washed over her. She hadn't said anything because she was still new, and had to watch where she stepped. But god... maybe if she had just talked to him... took him out... made an effort they wouldn't be in this situation. She felt terrible. She had ignored the signs and now he was in the hospital, after overdosing on drugs. Ashley hadn't been with the team long, but she did know what I was like for the rest of them, being a family and all, having to deal with something as huge as this. From what she knew about Reid, he'd be blaming himself. And she was determined to make up for her negligence by assuring him he was wrong.

Everybody has weaknesses. And she had heard a little about the Hankel case; enough to know he had no control over being drugged. So _what_ if he came back to it now? It was a way out, an escape and his way of letting go. They all had ways. Now she wasn't saying drugs were okay, no not at all. But the pain had to come out somewhere. Personally, she preferred to drink herself into oblivion on her nights off. It helped her forget and loosen up. It just helped. She knew it was bad but... like Reid, she just couldn't _not _do it.

The elevator dinged and her heart jumped as she realized she had been lost in her thoughts the entire way from her car to the 3rd floor of the hospital. She tried to calm her startled breathing, and walking as calmly as she could out of the elevator, and into the bustling hallway. Doctors were rushing around her, and she had to stay along the wall in order to not be knocked over.

The team wasn't hard to find. At the end of the hallway there was a waiting room, and the profilers were the only occupants. For a second she wondered if that was on purpose, but all her thoughts dislodged as she saw their faces. It was the first time she'd seen them so hurt since Emily.

Hotch had his usual mask on, so she was unable to know the pain he was really feeling. Because she knew he was feeling something. Probably guilt, as he tended to blame himself for anything bad that happened.

Rossi on the other hand made no efforts to cover his worry. He was tapping his thumbs, obviously distraught, guilty and upset. It creased his face, making him look worse than he had been in weeks. But this didn't surprise her, after all even though not many knew it, he thought of Reid like a son.

And then she saw Morgan, who looked like he was going to punch through a wall. She saw the hurt on his face, and the guilt that was plastered to his features. She noticed him tapping his foot, and tried to ignore the fact that even when he noticed her, he didn't bother looking up.

In his arms was Garcia, who had silent tears washing over her face, most of her makeup completely wiped away. Her head leant against Morgan's chest, and she looked up quickly to meet Ashley's eyes, somehow explaining her pain through that look. But just as fast, she glanced back at the floor, seemingly trying to hold back tears.

And in the corner was who she assumed was Will, JJ's boyfriend, and their son Henry. The little toddler was giggling as he played with one of the hospitals toys, oblivious to anyone else's worries. Will on the other hand, wasn't as affected as the others, but still had pain on his sharp features. But what almost hurt her, was the fact that he seemed more a part of the family than Seaver herself.

She felt out of place, like she didn't belong. She knew they might not want her here. She knew she wasn't as big a piece of the family as everyone else, but she wasn't leaving. She wanted to see Reid, and make sure he was okay. And if he wanted, she would stay with him, and be there when he needed it. She owed him that much.

"Uh...how is he?" She said, speaking into the thick silence. Nobody looked up, and so she sat on the farthest chair possible, wondering if maybe she should wait somewhere else.

"JJ's with him. He's having an evaluation done." Will said in a thick accent, one that somehow instantly made him more likable. Ashley smiled sadly at him, and went back to her thoughts. So JJ was staying with him during the evaluation? It made sense, Seaver knew he was close to her. But it did take her by surprise. She assumed maybe Morgan or Garcia would stay with him. Maybe she really didn't know him at all.

"How did we not notice!" Morgan all of a sudden shouted out, making everyone jump. She stared at him out of shock, along with everyone else in the room after recovering, Garcia instantly hugged him.

"It's not your fault. It's none of yours. We all hide things, and my genius boy is especially good at it. It'll be okay. He'll be okay..." She said in her usually bubbly voice that had now gone dull. She was so optimistic, and Ashley envied her for it. Being able to be so happy, with a job like hers, was something she was extremely jealous of.

Morgan hugged her back, and Will stroked his son's head, both needing to feel something other than pain. Rossi and Hotch stayed in the same place, but exchanged meaningful eye contact. Both were obviously trying to comfort the other, but neither would accept it.

Ashley on the other hand, retreated within herself. She hated feeling weak, but even worse so, she hated feeling so damn guilty. She'd been with the team long enough that she felt she needed to be honest, so instead she spoke up.

"I... noticed something a while back. He was having headaches I think... He asked me about the weather, and then all that case he looked like he was in pain..." She stuttered out, and reluctantly looked at their reactions. Surprisingly they didn't look too mad, but still something. Maybe irritated?

"I should have told you, I know. I'm sorry." She muttered and leant back on the padded seat, unable to hold eye contact with someone. She felt as though she was the shy kid in the class, who the teacher always picked on to present first. Everyone stared at her for a moment.

"Actually...he told me about those." Morgan admitted. "He's been having horrible headaches... And he can't sleep... but the doctors think it could be psychological... It's got him worried. And on top of that... The only person he ever told before me was..."

He didn't need to say the name. They all knew who he was referring to, and the pain showed on all their faces. _Emily._ All of them cringed at the mental thought of her name. Garcia more obviously, Hotch much less. Even after only being with the team for such a short time, Ashley felt the loss. Emily had given her wisdom she'd never forget, and for that, she thanked her.

Everybody was silent for a moment.

"We should have been there for him." Rossi said quietly, and looked at his hands. That was probably the first time Ashley had ever heard an amount of guilt in his rich voice. Once again, nobody spoke for a minute.

"It's in the past. What we need to do is be there for him now, and hope he recovers." Hotch told them. He still had a 'boss type' tone to his voice, but there was definitely something added to it.

Everybody knew what he meant. Sure Reid would recover physically, as long as there were no complications. But what about mentally? Emotionally? After everything that had happened to the genius, could he ever be the same? He felt guilty easily. That she knew for sure. So would he ever be able to work at the BAU properly again? Or work there at all?

The rules said no agent could be involved with drugs, alcoholism, partying or inappropriate conduct. Truthfully all of them did one or the other, but didn't get caught. Now that Reid had, could he ever work there again? The team wouldn't function without them. He's the one who solved every case, found the missing piece and caught every unsub. So how the hell could they do anything without him? She knew the answer. They couldn't.

And then JJ was in the doorway, looking just as upset as she had seemingly yesterday. 'She never made it off the table...' Just the memory hurt. The déjà vu was powerful, but Ashley shook it off, eager to hear news.

"Uh...he's okay as far as the doctor's concerned." She said quietly, and Seaver felt a bit of relief wash over her heart. Thank god.

"And as far as your concerned?" Rossi asked her, not missing a beat. Obviously she had a different opinion and it was showing on her face, plain as day. Her eyes were welling up, and her cheeks began to flush. She seemed to be struggling to find the right words, and sniffed to hold back a sob.

"I...I don't know. He thinks this is his fault, and that he's weak. He won't talk to me, or even look at me. I want to help him... But he just won't let me..." She told them, and a tear escaped her delicate eyelashes. Will stood up and walked towards her, hugging his partner tightly, she hugged him back, trying to be strong.

Seaver felt lost at this point, so much was happening, and she felt helpless in it. After everything that happened, now this? And of course Reid blamed himself. He was such a caring to other people, but when it came to himself, it was a lost cause. No matter what you said or did, he would never forgive himself for past mistakes. She'd talked with him on many occasions about it, and tried to change his mind, but of course it didn't work.

"What did he say though?" Garcia asked her, standing up to look her in the eyes. JJ paused and pulled back from Will, hugging her arms to herself.

"Nothing. Nothing to me at least... Except he... Told the doctor something about the last time he... did Dilaudid." She trailed off and left everyone hanging. Nobody moved, or breathed really. Finally Garcia muttered something.

"Damn it!" Ashley raised her eyebrows, as she had never heard Garcia swear before. It just wasn't her type. "So he did have a problem...wait what did he say exactly?"

JJ looked at her hands. "He said that he had to quit all alone. He had to deal with the cravings and the shaking and everything all alone. Because we didn't know. How could we do that?"

Everybody brought their hands to their faces, unable to believe they hadn't seen it. Even though she hadn't been with the team then, Ashley wanted to break down. The visual of Reid fighting off all the pain, while completely alone was enough to provoke oncoming tears. She looked at Garcia, who had her hand to her mouth, covering the obvious 'O' shape. Hotch had his head leaning into his hands, probably wondering how he missed that. Rossi was just staring straight ahead, doing nothing. Morgan slammed his fist onto the chair's arm, muttering something highly R rated under his breath. She knew he thought of Reid like a brother, and the pain he was feeling must have been unbearable.

"We didn't help him. We left him all alone."

**Hey! Sorry it's been a while guys! But it's another good chapter I hope! I know it's different, doing it from just one point of view, but let me know if it worked, okay? But also review anyway, I'm worrying that this is getting boring... :(**


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

He hadn't moved since JJ had exited the small hospital room. His eyes remained focused on the bright white sheets in front of him, and he felt as though he couldn't look away. They lay over him lightly, and showed every slight tremble his body had.

It wasn't withdrawal. Not yet at least. No, it was him trying to keep composure. He was failing miserably, as he couldn't stop the salty tears that were staining his cheeks. His throat was closing on itself, as he tried to hold back sobs. He felt vulnerable, and exposed. Not to mention how utterly weak he felt. How utterly weak he _was._

The IV in his arm was too cold, and the beeping of the heart monitor was too loud. He hadn't realized at first, but the doctors had made a mistake. He didn't need a heart monitor now that he was conscious. He wasn't in critical condition. In fact he felt okay... in the sense of the word. Yes he was going to go through withdrawal, but that didn't mean he needed all the tubes and wires that were currently attached to him.

At first he hadn't realized he was going to have to endure withdrawal for a second time. But then of course his eidetic memory had reminded him of the fact that because he had used previously, that just one dose was enough to trigger dependency. His whole body had yearned for it, and he had given in. Obviously the symptoms wouldn't be nearly as bad, because he had only done it once.

And now it made sense why the drug had taken effect so quickly. He'd actually forgotten that because he hadn't shot up in so long, he hadn't built up the tolerance to accept such a large dose into his system. How the hell had he forgotten that? How? He had an eidetic memory!

So he was weak _and _stupid. And exposed. And extremely embarrassed.

"Hey kid." He heard and reluctantly looked up to see Morgan in the doorway. He flushed red and looked back down, more embarrassed than before. No one was supposed to see him this way. So weak and visibly exhausted.

Spencer said nothing.

Morgan walked towards him slowly, and fell into the padded chair on the left of the bed. He stayed silent and Reid could see him twiddling his thumbs from the corner of his eye. Instead of looking up, he remained looking at the sheets, studying the diamond pattern that covered the bed.

"Come on Reid. Talk to me." Morgan said, but got no response. Reid worked up the courage to look him in the eyes, and instantly had a hard time breathing. Guilt consumed him as he saw the pain in his best friend's eyes.

"Please."He begged, and put a strong hand on Reid's thin arm. He tried to find something to say, that could somehow explain this but... nothing was coming to him.

"I'm...I'm sorry Morgan." He stuttered out, and saw his friend furrow his eyebrows. Reid looked at his hands, and began picking at his nails anxiously.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing, you hear me? I know you're feeling weak, but you're not. You are one of the strongest people I know. You really are." Derek told him, and gently tightened his grip on his arm. He managed to look up at him, but he hated the fact that he had tears in his eyes.

"I'm not though. I gave in... that's not something a strong person does." He mumbled and started to fidget again. He really just wanted to be alone.

"Why? Why would you do that, man?" Morgan asked, obviously completely unaware of the pain the question caused Reid. The guilt tripled and he felt his throat swell with the promise of sobs. But he managed to hold them back, not wanting anyone to see him sob, or cry at all for that matter.

"I...I needed to see her again." He whispered, and flicked his eyes up to see his friend realize what exactly he meant. Her. The experience had been amazing, because it had really been her. Of course, that was only because it was a memory, but still.

Morgan sighed.

"Not just see her Morgan. I needed it to be real. Not something I conjured up in my head... that's what it does for me. It lets me go back and relive the memories... like I'm actually there. I can pretend that it's real... and everything's okay, not... not falling apart by the second." Reid said and looked at Morgan's hand on his arm, which had just tightened, most likely not on purpose.

"Spencer... why didn't you talk to me?" Morgan asked him, catching him by surprise. He looked up into his brown eyes in shock.

"That's the first time you've ever called me Spencer." He pointed out. He didn't mind it though. Morgan was like his brother, and so it actually brought him a slight bit of comfort.

"You're changing the subject Pretty Boy." The other man said with a small smile, and retracted his hand. Instantly Reid felt colder, and wished for it back. But a voice inside his head reminded him that he didn't get wishes. He was weak.

Spencer shrugged. "I didn't want anyone to know."

"I'm sorry we weren't there for you the first time. After Tobias. We all assumed, but none of us had the guts to say anything... and then you had to quit on your own... I'm so sorry Reid..." Derek stuttered out, and gripped Reid's hand. It felt odd once again, but this time he didn't pull away. It wasn't so bad.

Memories of withdrawal rushed through his head, and he cringed at them. The horrible shaking and nausea... not to mention the burning feeling that never left his stomach, leaving him unable to eat almost anything. It had been hell, yes. But he'd made it here. But now he had given in again. What was wrong with him? Maybe he really was crazy.

"I got through it okay on my own." He replied, and looked at their hands, which were lightly placed on each other's. Technically that was a lie. He hadn't been okay at all. He'd taken time off work, disappeared for hours at a time... he'd always suspected that Hotch could have possibly caught on, but had never known for sure.

"But you shouldn't have had to. And I'm really sorry. But that won't happen again, because the team and I are going to be with you every step of the way." Morgan said slowly, waiting patiently for Reid to look him in the eyes.

Truth be told, Spencer did _not _want that. He didn't want anyone to see him tremble, or throw up uncontrollably. He didn't want any of them to see him that way. But a tiny part of him yearned for the support he had subconsciously wished for all these years. He needed it... he really did.

He tried to form some sort of smile, but he probably ended up looking like a sick frog instead. Yet he didn't have the energy to care, so the two just drifted into a comfortable silence.

But within seconds, the tormenting guilt was back upon him, and he fought back more oncoming tears, trying to hide his face from Derek the best he could.

XXX

Hotch didn't let it show, but he wanted to scream. Everything was falling apart, and he could do nothing to stop it. Everything that had once been stable, was now an absolute wreck. The team was drowning in grief, and being the leader, he was supposed to stop it. But he couldn't. He wasn't allowed to, and no matter how much he needed to say something, he couldn't take the risk.

He stayed in the hallway as Morgan entered Reid's room, staying out of sight to watch their exchange. He knew he was snooping but he couldn't help himself. When he saw the younger agent begin to cry, he began to fall apart himself. His throat started to constrict, and he turned away quickly, not wanting his composure to falter. Too late.

All of a sudden JJ was in front of him, tears in her eyes as well. She gripped his arm and started pulling him down the hall, away from the team. He would normally object, but he had a feeling he knew what this was about, and nobody could overhear them. He followed her around the corner, glancing backwards every few seconds.

Once a safe distance away, she turned and faced him. He could tell she was slowly losing it. Her hair was no longer in a neat bun, but was now messy and half-heartedly tied back. Her makeup was smudged and messy, but she'd made no attempt to fix it. And her strong composure was completely cracked.

"Hotch..." She started, and he knew what she was going to say. But they just couldn't... Could they?

"We can't." He said firmly, still very much acting like her boss, even when she now out-ranked him. She shook her head.

"We both know why he did this. Look what we've done to them. _We broke them_." She explained, and he knew every word was true. But still, telling just wasn't an option. It would put everyone at risk, especially Prentiss.

He shook his head. "No. We can't. That would put them all in huge danger, and think of the risk we'd be taking with E-... Jane?" He said, remembering not to use her name. Jane was the name they'd agreed upon using as a substitute, because as they'd learned the hard way, someone was always listening.

"Hotch just look at what happened! What if they don't get better? What if it all goes to hell? Are you just going to sit there and watch it happen?" She accused, and he felt it stab him hard. He didn't let it show of course, but it hurt. Maybe being a good boss here, meant being a bad person. After all this wasn't just his team, but also his family. Who was he just to stand by while it fell apart? But still... They couldn't.

"You'll get fired. I'll get fired. That's not going to help them, is it?" He told her, and put a hand on her shoulder. She lowered her eyebrows.

"You think someone will find out? You don't trust them not to tell? Hotch, they would never!" She said with her voice raised, attracting attention from passers-by. He glanced around quickly, and the nurses went back to their work when they saw he was an official.

"Of course I trust them. But you know that nothing ever stays private around here. He has resources JJ. People who probably follow us, just in case we slip up." He added, and looked around at the same time she did. He was even making himself on edge

"Look Hotch...Do what you want and say nothing, but when this goes even more downhill, and I guarantee it will, that's on us." JJ said forcefully and turned on her heels, storming away from him.

He leant his head back against the cold wall, shutting his eyes in frustration.

On one hand, they couldn't say anything. They'd instantly be in more danger than ever before. They'd have to hold their tongue each day, not even able to speak about it to one another. If they did, they could be killed. And then what type of boss would he be? Letting his team get killed by one of Doyle's assassins? Or what if he got to them personally? Doyle was sick and twisted, living in a self assured wrongness. So what would he do to the team members? Hotch shivered visibly at the thought. And _what if Doyle found out about Emily? _He would finish the job, most likely in the most painful and agonizing way possible. That was just who he was. And Emily could not get hurt... wherever she was, whoever she was being, she deserved happiness.

But on the other hand, what kind of person was he being if he stayed silent and said nothing? The delicate ball of thread that was the team was unravelling quicker and quicker, him unable to stop it. They were suffering. Look at what Reid had just explained to Morgan? He did this to see Emily. What would the rest of them do? Was Hotch doing the right thing by sitting back and letting them crumble to pieces? They wouldn't tell anyone if they knew. Yes the initial rejection would hurt but maybe in the end it would help them. At least the grief would finally be over. At least they might finally live normally again.

Hotch groaned. What was he going to do?

**Hey guys? Sooo, you think they'll tell the team about Emily? Sorry this took awhile, writers block strikes again! Review :)**


	7. Chapter 7

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

Penelope attempted to smile as she entered to visit Spencer about an hour after Derek. The nurses said he needed rest, and after seeing the bags under his eyes, she agreed in every way. She didn't know what to say, so instead she just knocked lightly on the door, wanting to cry as he looked up at her.

He was trembling, obviously now due to withdrawal beginning, and his eyes were watery and red. His hair was a mess, his cheeks sunken and his whole body looking sick. She resisted her urge to run, hug him, and never let go. Her baby boy was suffering, and she could do nothing to stop it.

"I know you don't really want visitors but..." She trailed of, and took the risk and stare into his eyes. The amount of pain in them almost caused her to sob. Reid was so innocent, this just wasn't supposed to happen.

"You're not giving me the choice. I figured as much." He said, making an attempt to joke around, but she knew it was all for show. Working with profilers all day every day affected you. She knew when people lied to her.

"Reid I... I'm sorry. I am. I..." She stuttered, unable to come up with something worthy of the guilt she felt.

"It's my fault. Not anyone else's." Reid said firmly, putting an end to her one worded attempts at an apology. She smiled slightly, but wasn't sure why.

"But we should have noticed. And now I won't get the chance. And that... That just sucks Reid. It sucks because you're suffering," she explained with tears in her eyes, gesturing to the hospital bad, "and I could have stopped it but I didn't and... God how could I? I'm so sorry."

Reid looked at the white sheets.

"I didn't want you to know. You know I'm a good actor, you wouldn't have noticed. Nobody did, and that's exactly what I wanted Garcia." He muttered.

She looked at him with building tears in her eyes. And suddenly she rushed to his side, fell into the chair and grabbed his hand. She just had to hold him. She had to feel that he was there and he was going to be okay. Not for his sake of course, but for hers. She was going to self destruct and she knew it.

"Well I'm not looking over it this time genius. I'm staying right here with you until you're better." She told him, trying to go back to her usual bubbly self. But the look in his eyes was enough to make her crack.

"I don't know if ever will be Penelope." He said softly, and besides noticing that he hadn't called her Penelope well...ever, all she could do was sigh.

"Then I guess you're stuck with me forever." She said with a smirk.

Reid bit his lip and fidgeted through his tremors. Garcia wished she could just will his pain away. Or take it on for herself. Why was it always Reid? Why was he such a pain magnet? He'd been kidnapped, drugged, tortured, held hostage, beat up, almost blown up, shot, and a million other things. And his childhood had been pure shit as far as Garcia was concerned, not that she'd ever speak it aloud. She knew his mother was fantastic when medicated and happy, but when she wasn't she hadn't been a mother at all. And with his father leaving, and the bullies at school... why did he deserve this? He didn't!

"You know I always wondered why you were such a shy person." She told him suddenly, and he looked up at her, a small bit of curiosity in his deep brown eyes.

"I think it's because you worry people will judge you. I mean, I guess it's easy for that to happen, being such a genius and all. Reid... I can't speak for other people in the world, but as far as the team goes, we could never, _ever _judge you. We love you. And we absolutely can't live without you." She explained, and allowed a few tears to escape her eyes. She wiped them away hastily, and repositioned her blue glasses.

"You could be a pretty good profiler." Reid replied, and squeezed her hand lightly.

"Nah. This goddess belongs in the computer world. But you on the other hand, need to get better and go back to saving lives. That's what _you're _good at Spencer." She said softly.

And he smiled.

XXX

"We have a problem." Hotch said as he walked into the waiting room.

"We can't afford any more problems Hotch." Rossi told him, studying his stern face. He'd gotten to know the man well after becoming the other coach of Jack's soccer team, and he looked genuinely upset.

"...Strauss found about Reid."

"WHAT?" Morgan shouted instantly, swinging his fist in the air out of frustration.

Rossi groaned in anger. What was with Erin lately? Did she want the team to crumble? Because she was definitely getting what she wished for, if that was the case. They were falling apart at the seams, and nobody was able to put them back together. Why couldn't it just go back to the way it was before? When they were able to go one case without a breakdown, one week without a problem and one month without someone leaving? Why did everything have to come to an end? Dave just wanted to have peace again. And apparently, he wasn't going to get that wish.

"Somehow she heard we had all left for the hospital, she called and they explained the situation to her." JJ said quietly as she walked in from the hallway, apparently just off her cell phone.

"What did she say?" Seaver asked, and Dave noticed she was standing up, arms crossed and a hand to her mouth. It was them that he realized she was biting her nails, and pain hit him visibly.

Everyone paused for a moment, which didn't go unnoticed. The only person on the team Rossi had ever seen do that before was Emily. And god, did the memories that came instantly hurt. He had to force is breathing slightly, and he saw Morgan tighten his fists. The significance of those bitten nails was enormous, and Ashley seemed to remember after a second, and stopped.

"Uh... I didn't pick up, she left a message." JJ said after a minute, and flipped her phone out, clicking a few buttons.

Everyone was silent as they listened to Erin Strauss' furious voice on the other end.

_JJ. I am absolutely furious with all of you. You all leave your jobs, responsibilities and posts with no word, and I'm in the line of fire here, almost losing my job. First off, and I know none of you will like it, we all know it has to happen; Reid is fired. Secondly, and I'm assuming you'll show this to him, I'm not amused with you Aaron. You leave the office, don't tell me a word and now you shut your phone off so your supervisor can't speak with you? I should fire you as well. I can tell you you're going to be suspended for sure. I want you all back at the BAU immediately, and I don't care if that isn't what you want. If you value your jobs, get back here now._

Nobody moved for a moment. And then everyone spoke at once.

"They can't fire Reid!" Morgan shouted.

"I'm not leaving Spence, I don't care what she says." JJ said in a pained voice.

"She's being inappropriate, this isn't something to over react to." Dave said himself, not sure what else to say.

"Jayje, are you gonna lose your job?" Will asked in his thick accent.

"This is ridiculous, she doesn't have the right to do any of this." Hotch muttered, and for just a second, he let his facade fall. The pain in his face was agonizing. Rossi almost wanted to comfort him, but knew that would be strange for the both of them.

But the biggest surprise, was what Ashley said from the corner of the room. Truth be told Dave had forgotten her for just a moment.

"I'm staying here." It was a simple statement, but for the rookie agent, a huge thing to say. Everyone looked her for a second.

"Look, she's not going to fire us all. And even if she does, I think it's worth it. Reid needs us right now, and don't think I'm blaming anything on you guys, because it wasn't your fault but... you weren't there for him last time. The rest of you do what you have to, but I'm not leaving Reid. Him making it through this is more important than my job any day." Ashley said softly, but remained strong and firm. Rossi looked at her like a daughter, and he almost smiled out of pride.

"She's right. I wasn't planning on leaving anyway, you're going to need a SWAT team to drag my lifeless body out the door." Morgan said sharply, obviously still infuriated with Strauss.

"Nobody's leaving. And nobody's getting fired, I'll make sure of it." Came Garcia's voice from the doorway. Rossi looked up to see her normally happy features dull, but determined.

"Baby girl, we can handle this." Morgan told her, slumping back into his chair.

"No, you can't. And I'm the only one here who can change information in your files. Strauss is _not _going to win this. I'm done with her screwing with your lives guys." Penelope said angrily, and crossed her arms over the pink and blue dress she was wearing.

"You can't just go into our files Garcia! You'll get fired." JJ told her, always the protective one. But Penelope wasn't having that.

"No. I'm not sitting around and doing nothing while my family gets ripped apart." She explained, and sat in the chair closest to her.

"She's right. If this team goes down, we're going down together." Rossi said, and looked at Hotch carefully. It was clear nobody was abandoning this team, or Reid himself.

They were together till the end.

XXX

"Kevin Lynch." He said as he answered his headset, continuing to play the online poker game he was winning.

"It's me." Penelope said on the other end, and he stopped playing immediately. There was something clear in her voice, and it was not a good thing at all.

"I need you to do something for me. Now." She said firmly, and he exited out of the browser, he didn't really care if he lost anyway.

"Anything." Kevin replied quickly.

"Reid's in the hospital. The whole team is here, including JJ." His girlfriend explained, and he stood from his rotating chair immediately. This was not good. At all.

"Oh... my god. What happened?" He asked immediately, pacing out of anxiety. He knew this would affect Penelope, and _not _in a good way.

"That's not important right now sugar. I need you to grab my laptop, charge cord, and wireless router, and bring them to the hospital." Garcia explained quickly.

"Alright... but... uh... why?" He asked, not being able to figure out why she would need these things.

"Seriously Kev, I'll explain later, hurry up!" She said in a high voice, and he stumbled towards his office door.

"Okay, Okay I'm going!" He grumbled as he almost stubbed his toe rushing out of his office.

"Wait! Wait! Do _NOT _let Strauss see you! Whatever you do, don't let her see you leave." Penelope practically shouted into the phone, almost deafening Kevin.

What was so important about this? Why couldn't Penelope just come get her stuff herself? And why couldn't he be seen by Strauss? That woman was evil, yes, but not a super villain. Well, as far as he knew.

"Fine, I'll see you there babe." He said quietly, and hung up.

He was five step down the hall when he heard his name being called. _Speak of the devil._

He spun on his heels to see an agitated Erin Strauss glaring at him, tapping her foot angrily. Her eyes were cold and her arms were crossed harshly.

"Um... yes ma'am?" He stuttered out, fear pooling in his stomach.

"You're in a relationship with Penelope Garcia, am I correct?" She asked sternly, and he blushed uncontrollably, all eyes were on him.

"Yes." He said meekly.

"I have a job for you."

**Dum dum DUUUMMMMM. :) EW. STRAUSS GTFO. Hehe, I know not as much Reid angst in this one, but maybe that's a good thing? SERIOUSLY PLEASE REVIEW PLEASE. :)**


	8. Chapter 8

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

Spencer Reid felt stupid. Okay, that was an understatement. He also felt weak, and embarrassed, and lonely, and unintelligent. He'd made the worst mistake in his life, and his friends, no, family, were here to witness it. God, he had let them down so much. Why was he such an asshole? They must despise him.

And that's what he hated most. It wasn't the tremors, or nausea, or migraines he was experiencing. No, it was the fact that he had screwed everything up, and the team had to pay for it.

When he heard a knock at the door, he wasn't surprised to see Hotch there. The older man looked at him warily, and Reid didn't miss the look in his eyes. He was profiling the younger agent, looking for a reason as to why this happened.

"Before you ask, I know I could have technically told you." He said quietly and watched as Hotch stepped further into the pale blue hospital room.

"But you didn't." He replied simply, and it was enough to add to the nauseous feeling in Spencer's gut. He gripped the sheets tighter in an effort not to lose control of his stomach, and his boss didn't miss the sudden change.

Unfortunately, he seemed to think the sudden sickness was a reason to stay, and sat himself beside the bed, which seemed odd to Reid. Even when he'd been infected with anthrax, his boss had never once sat down. After all, he had an eidetic memory, he would know.

"You okay, Reid?" He asked, concern crinkling his face.

"Fine." He said simply, worried that if he tried to say more than one word, he might be sick. The nauseous feeling was bubbling within him, threatening to take over. He knew it was withdrawal, but he worried he was losing control, and he hated it.

"Please be honest." Hotch said in an attempt to get the truth. Reid didn't want to answer but... How many times had he lied to them lately? He had to admit they deserved the truth.

"It's... It's the withdrawal. It makes me sick to my stomach." He said quietly, and the older man beside him sighed tiredly.

"What else will you be dealing with?" He asked, and Reid looked down, shaking his head immediately. He didn't want to talk about it, because that made it real. And the guilt that filled his already unstable stomach pained him viciously.

"Reid, please. I want to help you through this, and you need to talk to me about it. I understand if you're not quite ready, but at least tell me about withdrawal." Hotch said in a low voice. "I need to know."

Reid sighed. He didn't want to say anything. His stomach was still threatening to spill, but before he knew it, the explanation came tumbling out.

"Uh... I'll be sick a lot. And have a temperature, chills, tremors and extreme headaches. Not that I'm not used to that already." He explained, and Hotch raised an eyebrow.

"Are you nauseous now?" He asked with concern.

Reid didn't answer. He could feel his stomach bubbling, and thinking about it just made the feeling worse. His hands were still shaking like he was having a seizure, and his headache was getting progressively worse. That seemed to be enough for Hotch, who stood up to quickly go into the bathroom, and return a second later with a bowl.

"Here." Hotch said, and passed him the metallic half-sphere. Reid smiled a little, but it pained him to do so.

"How long will it last?" His boss questioned, and Reid quickly thought up the statistics in his head. At least he was still a genius. But then... the guilt just kept sneaking up on him.

"Well, if I go off statistics, because I've only taken one dose and I... I OD'd, then it should only last approximately three days, if that." He said, and Hotch smirked.

"See that? That's the Reid we know and love. Don't lose him in all this." Hotch told him before leaning back in the little black chair.

Spencer nodded. And then he felt his stomach heave.

XXX

"Ma'am, really, I haven't done anything wrong." Kevin almost pleaded with Strauss as she shut the door to her cold office. He was careful to remain respectful and submissive, as that was what she would take to best.

"Not yet you haven't." Strauss said harshly. "Where were you going exactly?"

Kevin fidgeted with his fingers. He couldn't tell her where he was going. First off, that would break Penelope's trust, and he could never ever do that. Also, that would mean betraying the team, which were the only people around here who treated him like a friend. And on top of all that, he had a feeling what was happening was going to get the entire team fired. And he was not going to be responsible for that.

"The bathroom." He replied a little too quickly.

"The bathroom." Strauss said in a sceptical voice. "You'll have to better than that."

He raised an eyebrow at her, surprised he had the guts to give her attitude. "Better than the truth? I don't think that's possible ma'am."

She looked taken aback, but remained unaffected authority-wise. She sat down at her desk, and folded her hands coldly.

"Just listen to me. The BAU team you've gotten to know so well recently, are in a lot of trouble. I need them back here now. My head's on the chopping block and I am sick of their attitude." She said harshly, her anger definitely showing through.

"And?" He asked, although he had a feeling he knew where the cold woman was going with this.

"And I need your help to get them here." She said slowly. "Unless of course, you don't care about keeping your job." She added when she noticed him frown slightly.

Kevin sighed. He couldn't get fired over this. He cared about his job. But of course, he cared about Penelope more. He loved everything about her, and if she was to get fired because of him... He just couldn't do it. He knew that's what Strauss wanted; she just loved firing people.

Then he had an idea. It was a little like going undercover, which made him smirk in his head.

"Okay..." He said, trying to seem like he was obeying her. Truth was, he had no intentions of doing so.

"Good. They trust you, and listen to you, right?" Strauss asked, and leaned across her desk slightly more, obviously eager to get this started.

"I guess..." He trailed off. She smirked to herself, and in his head, Kevin rolled his eyes.

"Good enough. Now, you're going to go to the hospital," she started, and he raised a hand somewhat timidly.

"Which hospital?" He asked and she furrowed her eyebrows.

"You already know Kevin." She said, and a small blush rose to his cheeks.

He stood up to leave but she shot him a glare and he sat back down.

"When you get there, I don't care what it takes; just get them back here, okay?" She asked, standing up to tower over him.

"Kay." He said simply, and walked to the door.

"Oh and Lynch?" Strauss called out, and he spun to look at her. "Don't even try helping them. You wouldn't want me to report you're relationship, would you?"

XXX

Morgan held Reid's shoulder as more dry heaves consumed him, like they'd been doing for the last two hours. The man looked more sick than he'd ever seen him, and that was saying something. His eyes had purple bags underneath them, his hands were still shaking, and the sudden illness made him worried.

"Reid? You okay?" He asked for the fifth time. The younger man nodded and collapsed back onto his pillow, shutting his eyes in exhaustion.

"I don't want you to see this..." He begged. But there was no way in hell Morgan was leaving.

"I'm not going anywhere man." He told him, and Spencer groaned.

"Reid... it's gonna be okay..." Seaver said quietly, probably knowing she shouldn't say much as she was still new. And yet the comment didn't feel out of place.

"I know." The tired man mumbled, as he brought a shaky hand up to rub his eyes. He looked absolutely horrible, and Morgan wondered how the hell this would last for almost three days. They had a rough time ahead of them.

After a small pause, Morgan decided to say something before more sickness consumed his friend.

"Uh... I know this isn't the best time, but I don't really see a better one coming any time soon..." He started, but trailed off in order to break the news with the correct words. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything at all, but he just couldn't lie to Reid.

"Lemme guess, I'm fired." He said without opening his eyes, and Seaver sighed along with him. Of course he'd figured it out. Were they that obvious? Then again he was a profiler, and a damn good one too.

"I figured as much. I broke the rules. You guys will be fine without me." Reid continued, and Morgan was rendered speechless. What was he talking about?

"Don't talk that way Reid. We can't do our jobs without you. We'll get you out of this." Ashley said, taking the words straight out of Morgan's mouth.

Reid's eyes finally fluttered open, and he half furrowed his eyebrows tiredly.

"Please don't. You can't get fired too, that's not fair..." The younger man said, and looked at the white sheets once more, gripping the fabric tightly.

"You gonna be sick again?" Morgan asked, tentatively grabbing the metal bowl beside him.

After a few seconds of heavy breathing, his grip loosened. "No. No that passed."

Derek sighed in a small amount of relief. Reid did too, and even smiled slightly.

"But seriously. Please don't get yourselves in trouble for this." Reid begged, and before he could reply, Seaver did instead.

"We're already in trouble. It makes no difference." She said, and as soon as she saw the guilt in his eyes, she added, "But that's not your fault. We could have stayed at work. We could have followed orders. But we didn't and that's because we care about you."

"You shouldn't." The younger man mumbled, and Morgan's hand was on his arm instantly, somewhat startling him.

"Reid quit it with all that crap. We love you. That isn't gonna change just because you fell into an old habit. That's nothing to be ashamed of, and even if it was, that wouldn't change anything." He said loudly.

There was a silence after he spoke, making him wonder if he had said something he shouldn't have. Then Reid lifted his head and looked at him with tears in his eyes.

"...really?" He asked them, and Morgan wanted to cry as well. He sounded like a little boy. Which in truth, wasn't too far off. Reid was far too young and innocent to have gone through everything he had.

"Really really." Derek said and flashed him a grin.

And he swore he could see a glimmer of hope in his best friend's eyes.

XXX

Penelope jumped up off her chair when she saw Kevin exit the elevator, holding her bag of things in one hand, cell phone in the other and an anxious expression on his face.

"Kevin, baby, please tell me you brought all my stuff." She said, maybe too loudly as she received a small smirk from JJ in the waiting room.

"Uh, yeah, I've got it." He said, and held up her bag for her to take. She did, but stopped in her tracks as she noticed his uncomfortable expression.

"What's wrong?" JJ asked before Garcia could. Kevin looked down for a brief second and Penelope knew something had happened with Strauss. She just knew.

"Strauss... she wants me to work for her and get you guys back to work. Or I'm kinda fired." He explained, and rage filled Garcia. God, who did that woman think she was? She couldn't fire anyone, this queen of all things technical was _not_ allowing it.

"Well I hope you understand we aren't leaving." Hotch said firmly, and Garcia couldn't bother to be mad at him for the attitude he was giving her boyfriend. Because he was telling the truth.

"And I hope you understand I never would have asked you to." Kevin said after a brief moment, and Penelope's heart swelled with pride at her boyfriend's loyalty.

She pulled him into her arms, with an excited smile on her face.

Maybe, just maybe, this would work out okay after all.

**I know it was written a little oddly this time :/ REVIEW!**


	9. Chapter 9

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

Hotch looked in on Reid, feeling his heart pang once again. The young man was in a deep sleep, obviously exhausted from withdrawal. He'd been waking up every twenty minutes to be sick, and the tremors were still going strong, but at least he could get some rest. His eyes had dark circles under them, and Hotch couldn't help but remember the last time his eyes had been so tired. _The last time he was on dilaudid. _

Hotch had known all along. He'd even told Emily. But it had just been a suspicion then. Something that he couldn't prove, and something he didn't want to cause worry over. But now it was extremely real. And he wondered if maybe, just maybe if he _had _said something those years ago, this wouldn't have happened.

But looking back with regret wouldn't do any good. He needed to stay present, and focused. But his mind just kept wandering. Wandering back to the last conversation he's had with Reid before this whole incident...

_Hotch spotted Reid eagerly rushing out of the bullpen, and awkwardly bumping into people as he went. He rushed to catch up to him, worried for the young man. He'd been so distant since Emily... he was crumbling._

"_Reid." He called out, hoping the agent would stop. Of course not. He obviously heard him, but still rushed out the door towards the elevators._

"_Reid! Come on." He called out again, and saw Spencer pressing the button several times, obviously wanting out of there._

_He caught up and put a hand on his shoulder, which the younger man shrugged out of instantly._

"_Spencer. Talk to me." He said, and Reid avoided eye contact._

"_What's there to talk about?" He replied, almost sarcastically, and fidgeted his hands on his messenger bag's strap. _

"_How distant you've been getting. I know it's hard Reid. But you have to-"_

"_No you don't know Hotch. You have no idea." Reid interrupted, showing his anger for the first time in years. But that could be a good sign; he needed to let it out._

"_Spencer..." Hotch trailed off, not knowing what to say to that._

"_You know what? I'm just going to take the stairs." Reid said quickly, and turned his back on his boss, to storm away, but not without awkwardly hitting someone on the way out._

_Hotch didn't go after him. _

But he should have.

He should have followed Reid out into the parking lot, chased after him and not let him onto the bus that would drive him to the subway. He should have sent Morgan after him, because there was no way Derek would ever let Reid out of his sight if he had spoken to him like that.

And yet Hotch did nothing. Why? Why had he done nothing? There was no answer to that.

"Okay my pretties, I'm accessing your files now." Garcia's voice came from behind him, and he turned to look through the waiting room doors. She was sitting on the chairs, Morgan, JJ and Seaver looking over her shoulder curiously.

"And what exactly are you going to do?" Aaron asked as he re-entered the room, sitting down beside Rossi.

"Well there's a few things. I could keep a track on all our files and delete anything she tries to put in them?" She suggested, but Morgan immediately shook his head.

"No Baby Girl, if we aren't getting fired neither are you. You may be an incredible hacker, but they'll know it was you." He told her, and ruffled her hair with his hand.

"Okay... well I could always put _in _extra commendations and successes, so they wouldn't want to fire you? Especially Reid." She put forth and Hotch shrugged his shoulders.

"Maybe. But still, drugs are against protocol. It doesn't matter if he was wanted for every job in the entire government, he still wouldn't be able to continue working." He said, and tears formed in JJ's eyes. He regretted saying it right away.

"Uhm..." Garcia mumbled, and typed a few letters into her program. Hotch leant forwards and rested his elbows on his legs. "I could always put into Reid's folder that the drugs were forced onto him? We could testify and make up something..."

"Too risky." Rossi said simply, and they all nodded.

"Then what are we gonna do?" JJ asked, and sat beside Will, pulling a dozy Henry into her lap, and letting him lean against her arm. His eyes were drifting open and closed; obviously this visit to the hospital had been quite the adventure for him.

"Well...there is one...other thing I could do..." She said, and exchanged a look with Kevin, who was currently on his own computer, typing quickly.

Hotch had no idea what she was insinuating, but whatever it was, it must be bad.

"What?" Seaver asked, and raised an eyebrow.

"I do have access to Strauss's file..." Garcia said, and they collectively looked at her in shock. Was she really proposing they enter false information into Strauss's file? Really? That went far beyond protocol, not to mention the law. And yet... it almost seemed like a good idea.

"No." Morgan said, and shook his head. "We can't just enter fake information into our supervisor's file!"

"Oh come on, it won't be _fake _information. It'll all be real. Think about how many times she's suspended and tried to fire us over things that aren't even worth citing someone over? We can put it in her file, tell her about it, and once she agrees to let this go, her file will be all sparkly clean again." Penelope explained, and Hotch found himself astonished at hearing the tech girl had such a dark, cunning side. But she always did surprise him.

"Are you seriously saying we should blackmail Erin Strauss?" JJ asked ludicrously, running a hand over the now sleeping Henry's hair.

"Well you don't have to put it _that _way..." Penelope said with a small pout.

"Look, I see your point Pen but... that's crazy." Kevin said, taking the words right out of Hotch's mouth.

"What part about this isn't crazy though?" Will said in his thick accent, speaking for the first time in a while. Hotch looked at him, head speculatively cocked to the side.

"She has done some pretty low things to us these past few years." Rossi added, and Hotch hated to admit it was true. Erin Strauss was in all sense of the word, a bitch.

"And she tried to blame you for Haley." Penelope said, and Hotch felt a pain in his chest as he remembered the guilt that had followed the investigation.

"Plus she blackmailed..." Morgan said, but paused for a moment. "She blackmailed Emily into quitting the BAU."

Everyone froze for a second at the mention of her name, and Hotch visibly avoided eye contact. It was instinctual, but he knew it could give him away.

"Then didn't try to stop it when they pulled me away." JJ said quietly, and Hotch nodded against his will.

"It's out only way out of this Hotch. I know we could get fired but really, I think she's already trying to go down that path anyway." Garcia said and typed a few letters, obviously opening Strauss's folder.

"...Do it."

XXX

JJ settled into the chair beside Spencer's bed, grabbing his trembling hand tightly. She wished he was awake, but sadly sleep had taken over and he was still out like a light. He looked so innocent when he slept. That was something she's noticed years ago, but never said a word about. It reminded her of Henry when he napped.

She knew Reid hated it when she associated him with childish behaviour and aspects, but it came naturally. She knew his puppy crush on her had faded after about a year, and they had become so close that it didn't even matter. He felt free to tell her anything, and boy had he been vocal about it when she had mentioned how cute he was.

But he hadn't spoken to her about this. This had been a huge problem that had taken over his life after Hankel, and he hadn't said a word. She understood that he was embarrassed, but she had spilled so many dark secrets to him, she'd assumed he would have done the same. She'd told him about her first crush. Her first kiss, her first time and almost everything about Will. She's even had in depth conversations with him about losing her sister, and how she'd given in to a boy out of grief. Spencer Reid may be awkward when it comes to love, but he was an incredible listener.

That's what she missed the most about working with him. Now she barely saw him. They barely talked anymore, and yes, she understood why, but still. He had been the person she spilled to. Now she never got those random facts that he spouted off at the worst possible times. She never got the awkward hugs before the weekends. And she never got paperclips thrown at the back of her head on the plain, with impeccable accuracy, and the small chuckle that escaped his lips as he did so.

And she missed that so much.

"Mommy!" Came little Henry's voice from the doorway, as he ran into the room, jumping to get in her arms. Obviously the nap had done him well, he had a huge amount of energy.

"Sorry, lost track of him for a second." Seaver said from the doorway, and JJ smirked at her.

"Well he is a toddler. That's what you do best huh Henry?" She said and tickled him, causing him to erupt into giggles.

"He's really adorable." Seaver told her, and stepped into the room somewhat awkwardly.

"And he knows it." Was all she could come up with to say. Ashley pushed her behind her ears, and moved to sit down beside her.

"Were you really close to Reid?" She asked, and JJ almost teared up. It wasn't Seaver's fault, she was just overly emotional.

"Yeah. He was one of my best friends. Still is." She explained, and hugged Henry closer to her. Ashley smiled.

"Mommy, why is Uncle Pesser shaking? Is he cold?" Henry asked, once again not being able to pronounce is godfather's name. But that was common.

"Uh, yeah, he's just cold and tired. Here, why don't you hold his hand to keep it warm?" She suggested, not sure how else to answer such a question.

"Okay." He replied, and took hold of one of Reid's long, shaking fingers.

JJ looked to see Seaver smiling at the little boy, and at her as well.

"He's gonna be okay, right?" Ashley asked her, and even though she couldn't be sure, she nodded.

"He always is."

Suddenly her phone began to ring in her pocket, and she looked at Seaver apologetically.

"Uh... I'm sorry, I really need to get that... could you watch the little trouble maker for a minute?" She asked, and put Henry on the chair beside her, in order to stand up and fish her phone out of her purse.

"For sure." The younger woman answered, and took hold of Henry's other hand.

JJ rushed into the hallway, past the waiting room, and towards the bathrooms. Instead of going in, she just stood by the door and flicked open her phone. She didn't recognise the number, and picked up warily.

"JJ." She said, and listened intently.

"_It's me."_ Said a voice on the other line. A voice that almost gave JJ a heart attack. She knew that voice anywhere, and she had assumed she'd never hear it again.

"What...what are you... are you okay?" Was all she could find to say.

"_I'm fine. He's dead. He came after me and I killed him, and his men. Doyle's dead, JJ." _She said, and JJ slid down the wall to sit on the cold, hard floor, barely able to think.

"He's dead? Are you... are you sure?" She asked, not able to accept it. Could she actually be okay? Could he really be gone?

"_100% dead. I'm a pretty good shot, I must say." _She said, and JJ began to cry, not caring about the last of her makeup sliding down her cheeks.

Doyle was dead. He was gone and couldn't hurt them. And Emily... Emily was alive and okay.

At first overwhelming happiness took over, and she felt herself smiling hugely. Emily could come back to them. She could finally come back. Until reality crashed down on her.

What the hell was she going to tell the team? And what could she say to Reid?

**DUM DUM DUUUUUMMMM. Sorry it's been so long guys! What's gonna happen! Review please!**


	10. Chapter 10

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

"So...you're... Okay?" She asked, still stunned and conflicted.

_"A few scrapes and bruises never hurt a girl."_ Emily said on the other side of the line, and JJ managed to smile, really smile, for the first time today.

"Thank god." JJ blurted out, unable to hold in her relief.

_"It's good to hear your voice Jayje."_ Emily said, still sounding as calm as ever. The few times JJ had actually seen her worried, she'd still been calmer than herself.

"Took the words right out of my mouth." JJ said with a smile, and felt the sudden need to see Emily again. She had been so far away, and now she might not be.

_"How's the rest of the team? I mean... You know..."_ Emily asked, and she knew what the woman meant. But what could she say?

"Uh... Fine." She said a little too quickly.

_"You seem to be forgetting that I'm still a profiler."_ Emily told her, worry clear in her voice. JJ could just imagine her biting her nails.

She just chuckled nervously.

"_What's wrong?"_ Emily asked, and JJ sighed. She looked up and watched the faces in the hallway, seeing people staring at her as tears rolled down her cheeks and her hands ran over the tiles on the floor absentmindedly.

"Um, Em, can you call me back in about half an hour? I have to talk to Hotch about this, he's uh... the only other one in on it." JJ explained, not sure why she was saying it at all.

It was for one of two reasons, which exactly she didn't know. One, she just needed to speak with Hotch, get her head straight and ask for his advice. Two, she just needed to... stop and think. She was going to say something she regretted, and she was going to do what she did best: run.

"_I guess, yeah. You'll be okay, right?"_ Emily asked, and JJ felt an intense surge of gratitude settle over her. Emily was comforting her, after all that had just happened to herself.

"I should be asking you the same thing." She said with a small smile.

"_True enough. Talk to you soon, JJ. I missed you."_

"Bye." JJ said, and snapped her phone shut.

Now what?

XXX

Hotch looked up as JJ entered the room, her face far paler than it had been a few moments ago when she had rushed by, phone in hand. He had respected her privacy, but his curiosity was getting the best of him. Nobody else really looked at her, just glanced up. Only he noticed the slight pink of her eyes.

"Hotch, I need to talk to you." She said, and he nodded.

"Give me a minute to finish with Garcia." He told her, and although he wanted to go with her, he looked back to the screen.

Suddenly she was grabbing his arm, pulling up, something she'd never done before. He looked at her, surprised.

"No, I need to talk to you _now_." She urged, and pulled him up, and out of the room.

He speed walked behind her, unsure of what this could be about. Had Strauss called? Had something happened with Reid? Why would she need to make this private? Despite his worries, he followed along, her grip on his arm only tightening as they went. He didn't try to remove it.

"JJ, no one can hear us, just stop." He said after thirty more seconds of speed walking. Finally she slowed, and spun around. She seemed to mentally stumble over her words.

"She called." She said, and he was lost in confusion for a small moment.

"Strauss? Again?" He asked, not sure why the supervisor would be dialling JJ's number again. Maybe Garcia was done with the files and someone had alerted her?

"No, god, not Strauss. Her. _Her._" She urged, and with a click, he understood. His heart skipped a beat and he almost chocked on his breath. She had called. But that could mean a million things. H wanted to know, but he could barely speak.

"What?"

"We won. Doyle's dead, and so are his men. Our Emily still has her talent in aim." She said, and he felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him, and a weight had alleviated off his shoulders.

"She... she killed him? And she's okay?" He asked, stumbling over his words. His mind couldn't process anything.

"She's fine Hotch." JJ told him, and he almost felt his legs give out.

So many emotions ran through him he couldn't think. First of all, immediate relief. She was okay. He'd been worrying himself sick for weeks and weeks, but that was okay because she was fine. She was alive and fine. The happiness overtook him. This nightmare was over. She could come back. He could finally hug her, and smile with her, and just be in the same room with her. He missed her so much. But then... a sudden gush of sadness and pain hit him square on. What the hell were they going to tell the team? How would they tell Reid! And then he felt guilt wash over him, slowly, painfully, and tantalizingly.

"What are we gonna do?" JJ asked, splitting him from his deep thoughts, errant memories and constant worries.

"I... I don't know. What else did she say?" He responded. JJ looked at the floor.

"Not much. I... I told her to call me back. I don't know why, I was just so freaked out, and with the situation we're currently in... god I just didn't know what to do, I'm sorry." She said, and he looked up to see tears in her eyes.

Then, even though he hadn't been planning on it, he did something he'd never done before. Out of the blue, he pulled her into a hug. Maybe it was because he felt bad for her, or maybe it was his happiness. It could have been his guilt, or something else entirely. Whatever it was, she accepted it, and hugged him back.

"Don't be sorry." He said when he pulled back. She smiled a little. "Let's just wait till she calls back. You're sure it wasn't a forced call, right?"

She nodded.

"Yeah. I mean, we could always get Garcia to track it but..."

"Then we'd have to tell them first." He finished for her, and she looked at the ground, wiping her eyes.

"We're gonna have to anyways." She said quietly, and even though he hated to admit it, she was 100% right. They would have to tell them. Better to do it now, rather than too late to receive any small sliver of respect.

"I guess we should do that now before we convince ourselves otherwise huh?" He said, and she nodded. His heart was cold with worry, but he wasn't one to take the coward's way out.

"Let's just tell the rest of the team and uh... leave Spencer for later?" She asked, and another pang of guilt hit him.

Emily was the reason Reid was in this mess. And it was all just a huge lie.

"Yes."

XXX

Morgan looked up when he saw Hotch and JJ enter the room again. He'd noticed the rush she'd left in, and he'd been worrying about it in the back of his head since. He went back to looking at the picture, but Hotch and JJ remained standing where they were, looking at each other worriedly. Something was wrong.

"What?" He asked them, and watched as Garcia, Rossi, Seaver and everyone else looked up suddenly. JJ seemed to wriggle under everyone's stare. Hotch was... Hotch.

JJ looked at Hotch, and for a silent moment nobody said anything, or breathed for that matter. JJ spoke first.

"We lied to you." She said, and tears began to form in her eyes. Actually, they began to overflow her already red eyes. Morgan stood up instantly, unable to figure out what was going on.

"We... didn't have a choice in the matter. It was for safety reasons..." Hotch further said, but still, nobody understood.

"What's this about?" Rossi asked, and Hotch sighed while JJ held in a sob.

After a moment of silence, Garcia piped up. "Come on, Band-Aid approach, just spit it out."

Finally JJ spoke, barely distinguishable due to her held in sobs.

"She's alive." She blurted out, and Morgan felt as though he'd been hit by a truck. For a moment, he didn't understand, but then... god did he get it. And it felt like he'd been stabbed.

He could hear Garcia start to cry, Seaver gasp lightly, and Rossi mumble something out of confusion, but he just couldn't move. She was..._ alive._

"Emily is alive." Hotch repeated, making the pain double. "You have to understand, we needed to protect her. We couldn't say anything, she could have gotten killed and you could have as well. It was out of the question."

Another moment of silence.

Then it went to hell, and Derek was to blame for it.

"How could you!" He yelled, his explosive temper completely taking over.

"Morgan, believe me, we didn't want to!" JJ cried, and Will was hugging her not a moment later. Somewhere in the back of his mind he noticed Seaver was still caring for Henry, but Morgan was just too angry.

"We... we went through so much...pain and...grief and... it was all a lie?" Garcia asked in a small voice, and even Hotch began to tear up.

"A necessary one."

"This? This was _not _necessary! Look at Reid! This was all because he thought she was dead! We all did! He went back to drugs! He self destructed and crumbled and you did nothing to stop it! You kept going with your lie when you _knew _it was destroying him! It was destroying all of us! Do you know how many drinks I had that first night? I don't even know because I almost blacked out! And that's... that's..." Morgan trailed off after he ran out of words to yell, also not wanting to actually say those last few words.

Nurses and other hospital guests were gathering at the door, and Kevin stood up to shoo them away.

"It's our fault. We know." JJ said, and everyone settled for a moment.

Until Seaver spoke up. "Wait... if you're telling us that must mean one of two things... Doyle got her or she got him."

Morgan's breath hitched in his throat.

"Doyle's dead. She killed him. That call I just took...it was her. She...she's fine." JJ said, and pulled back from Will's embrace.

Morgan collapsed into his chair, unable to hold in his amazingly huge wave of relief. She was okay. The sudden urge to smile rose in him, and he fought to keep it down. Garcia hugged his shoulder and he leaned his head on hers, tired from his yelling.

"I know this is a lot, but we need to stay focused." Hotch began to say, but Rossi interjected.

"Focused on what? I don't even know what's going on anymore." The bitterness in his voice was unmistakable.

"She's calling back in twenty minutes. Garcia, you need to track the call." He explained, and Garcia sat upright with shock.

"We can talk to her!" She asked and Hotch shrugged, not really having anything else to say. But JJ did.

"Yes. You can. But track the call first. And think of what she's been through as well... don't bombard her guys."

Morgan was still having a hard time accepting she was _alive_. He'd even began to accept her death before now. But now he knew he could hug her again. Bring her coffee, smile with her, go to the movies... it brought tears to her his eyes and a sad smile to his lips. Emily Prentiss was okay. That was the best thing he's heard in months, maybe years.

And he was rendered speechless, for the first time... in a very, very long time.

Until Rossi spoke again.

"I think Reid needs to know."

Well that opened a whole other can of worms. On one hand, how could they? He would no doubt fall apart all over again. He would cry, and shake, and be what he hated being most; weak. But then on the other hand, how could they _not? _This was all because of a lie, and he needed to know that. It was only fair. It could end his suffering.

"We'll tell him later, right now we need to come together and finish with Strauss's file, and set up the track." Hotch said, and Morgan stood up again, shaking his head.

"No. He has to know."

"What good will it do? It'll cause him more hurt." JJ whispered, and another tear slid down her cheek.

"Listen to me. I can't stand the thought of him thinking she's gone for even another _minute. _You can't keep him locked up in his own mind, because I think we can all agree, it's a dangerous place. No doubt he's still running through those last few hours of her 'life'" He said, using his fingers to accentuate the word 'life', "every day since it happened. And now you want him to continue that when in reality it's all fine and okay?"

JJ stood still, along with Hotch. But Seaver and Rossi stood up, obviously on his side.

"He's right. That isn't fair. Or decent." Will spoke softly, and Morgan nodded, albeit being a little surprised the man had said anything at all, not that Morgan didn't appreciate it.

Hotch looked at JJ, then to everyone in the room. Everyone waited expectantly.

"Alright. Who wants to do this with me?"

**Soooooooo! Tell me what ya think! Please? xxx**


	11. Chapter 11

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

Reid had lost himself in his thoughts again. It was easier that way; he didn't have to feel the ever present pain eating away at his stomach, taunting him to inject the magic solution. But he just couldn't do that; he needed to stay clean. He needed to stay healthy, and maybe that way the team would accept him again. Maybe.

He found solace in thinking about good memories. That may have been selfish, but even remembering hugging his friends, family, he could almost smile. Almost, but not quite.

Memories drifted by in his mind, him being able to remember every detail. The smells, sights and sounds. Like the time when he had been rescued after Tobias. The memory stung because it had been what started all this, and yet it was one of his best memories.

He remembered the relief that flooded over him, and the utter shock that they'd showed up at possibly the worst time. He remembered the comfort Hotch's hug had brought him. He remembered the way it had felt to see Gideon; like a boy seeing his father. But he remembered JJ's hug the most. Her tears soaking through to his shoulder, her whispers in his ear and how he felt he could almost smile as she enveloped him in one of the tightest hugs he'd ever experienced.

It reminded him of the hug he'd shared with... Emily. After being held hostage at the ranch, feeling muscle freezing guilt consume him for hours on end, and almost being blown up, just seeing her again made his heart soar. He'd been cold with worry about her nonstop, and seeing her again... His heart almost exploded. He'd ran towards her and held her so tight he was sure it might have hurt. If it did, she didn't let it show, because she hugged him even tighter.

Other comforting moments came to mind, and he lost himself fully in them, reminding himself of how much he loved his family. Garcia pressing her two fingers to his forehead. Morgan ruffling his hair. Hotch smiling at him. Holding Henry for the first time, and falling in love with being a godfather. And most of all, Emily holding his hand and smiling at him.

But all those things, those memories that would never fade from his mind, seemed more than distant now. It seemed like another life.

"Hey, Reid." Came Morgan's voice from the doorway, and shyly he looked up from the hospital bed sheets, being careful not to move and provoke the nausea in his stomach. In the doorway stood Hotch, Morgan and Will. _That's an odd combination..._

"Uh... Hi." He said in a small voice, his stomach churning with each syllable. He was happier to be alone, as much as he loved them.

"So uh, we're dealing with Strauss." Morgan said, and walked in to sit beside him, and Reid began to bite his nails, a habit he's copied from Emily.

"Yeah?" He asked.

"Yep. She'll be off our backs soon." Hotch said softly, and sat on the other side of him. Will stood at the foot of the bed somewhat awkwardly.

"Thank you. You guys have...helped more than you needed to." Reid told them, but instead of seeing them looking at him, they exchanged hard looks. He immediately knew something was off.

"What's wrong now?" He asked, and got a sad look from Hotch. After a second he added, "Why aren't you answering?"

"I'm just not looking forwards to you hating me." His boss said firmly.

"Hotch...whatever it is, I could never hate you for it." He said quickly, and opted to look at the sheets once again, safely hiding the worry in his eyes. No doubt it would show, for it paralyzed his heart.

"Don't say that until you hear." Hotch replied, and he heard Morgan mumble something under his breath. Fear spread quickly. This couldn't be good.

"Then spit it out." He said in a low murmur, and glanced up to see Morgan rub his eyes, and Will avoid eye contact.

"We...mislead you and it impacted you greatly." Hotch said quickly, an apologetic tone to his voice. Reid racked his brain to find what Hotch was confessing too, but nothing popped up in his search.

"Huh?" He asked innocently.

"We lied to you about something that shouldn't have been lied about." Morgan further explained, but Reid didn't really catch on. Could he be talking about Strauss?

"Are you trying to say that you didn't tell me the truth about Strauss? Did she fire you all? If she did I... I'm so sorry you have no idea how sorry I am. All you've ever done is try to help me and I can't believe I'm even in this mess at all. I literally can't even explain it but if she really did fire you I swear to god-" he ranted, and was vaguely aware of Will putting the tin bowl on his lap again.

"I will take it straight to the top and she'll be the one getting fired. I mean I know I will be but you guys didn't do anything wrong at all and-"

"Emily's alive." Morgan blurted out, and Reid froze mid sentence, his insides turning to ice.

Those two little words rung in his ears, and something inside him cracked. Agony broke loose in his veins and he found it hard to breathe.

Alive.

No, he must have been going deaf. She was... she was not alive. But Morgan had just said she was, right?

_Emily's alive._

His heart began to crumble and pain shot through him, constricting his throat and watering his eyes.

And then he put the tin bowl to its use as his stomach's little content was heaved up, along with every ounce of acceptance and assurance he had left within him.

XXX

"Emily's alive." Morgan blurted out from beside him, and Will watched as Reid visibly jolted at the words. His already shaking hands began to tremor like an earthquake and his eyes seemed to be focused off in the distance.

Will could actually see him go through the genius-paced stages; shock, denial, hurt and confusion. He was lost in his quick thoughts and his eyes began to flood with tears. Before anyone could say anything, Spencer was sick into the bowl that Will was now thankful he'd put there.

It had only been seconds since those two words were spoken, but it seemed as though it was hours. It physically pained Will to watch as Reid seemed to give up on everything he knew.

"Reid?" Hotch said worriedly as the young man in the hospital bed finished and fell back onto the pillows. "Spencer?"

Reid didn't answer. In fact, he was still staring straight ahead, no sound escaping him. Tears slid down his cheeks, and his breathing was hitched. Will was no profiler, but he knew what was happening.

Reid was losing himself in his thoughts. That couldn't happen. Because Reid's mind was one complex place, and he was sure he could easily get lost in it. He was almost catatonic now, and Will had worry eating away at his stomach.

"Reid? I'm sorry, it had to be done. She's okay though. Reid... please say something." Hotch bargained, gripping the younger man's hand tightly. Still he didn't move.

"Hey. Pretty boy, snap out of it." Morgan said, but still nothing.

"Spencer. Please say something, you're freaking us out." Will said, vaguely aware he was putting a little guilt on the man. But he needed to know he was okay.

"I... I'm... okay..." Spencer mumbled in between thoughts, and began to fidget with his still shivering hands.

"No, you're spacing out. Don't go there kid. Stay with us, don't go in there because we all know you won't come out okay." Morgan coached, and Reid slowly began to come back from his memories.

Will watched as his eyes focused on their faces.

"Is she coming back?" He asked meekly, and Hotch sighed. Even Will wasn't sure how to answer that.

"Uh... It's a possibility." Hotch replied, and looked down. It took Will a moment to realize that the older man was crying. He'd never seen him do that before.

"She has to come back..." Reid said, seeming spaced out. "She...she has to..."

"Well we're going to figure it out. Anyways, I do understand if you're angry with me and don't want to talk to me." Hotch said, and Reid, although still in an agonized daze, furrowed his eyebrows.

"I'm not mad." Reid said quietly. "At you at least..."

Will began to fidget with his hands as Spencer looked down at his hands, his fingernails suddenly raking deeper into his skin. He was actually trying to hurt himself. Or that's what it seemed like. What had they don't to him?

"Spencer, don't do that. This has nothing to do with you. Don't hate yourself for this." Will spoke up, for the first time in a while.

"I don't hate myself. Or anyone, really. I... I just..." Reid paused with a sigh. "I don't have the energy to feel anything anymore."

XXX

"Any time now." JJ assured her, and Garcia nodded quickly, as her former teammate told her the same thing for the fifth time.

Her stomach had that nervous, anxious bounciness, which made her feel as though she wanted to be sick. Her legs felt like rubber and her nerves were zinging with anticipation. So close. Emily was going to call.

She was still having a hard time accepting the fact that she was alive, let alone okay and calling in a few short minutes. The thought sent more anxious electricity through her gut. Emily was okay. She'd never thought she'd hear those words again. She's come to accept that Emily was...well, dead. And not coming back. When in reality, she was just fine.

Technically, Penelope should have been angry with Hotch and JJ. But for some reason she was more mad at herself for not figuring it out. Okay, she probably didn't trust them as much, and wouldn't tell them everything anymore but... She was far from mad. Who knows, maybe she was just having a delayed reaction. And she also knew she should be mad at Emily. But she wasn't.

Delayed reaction or not, the only thing she could feel right now was anxiety. She would get to hear Emily's voice again. Maybe even speak with her. She'd get to hear the voice that had haunted her mind for months actually ring through the room. And that was enough to get her foot tapping nervously again. What would she say? What would she do? And how the hell would they tell her about Reid?

"I'll uh... go get Hotch and Morgan?" Seaver asked, but no one answered her. And so she got up and quietly walked out of the room, leaving Henry with JJ.

Garcia didn't even want to know how badly it had gone with Reid. He might have cried. Or sobbed, or been silent or been sick. She had no idea. What she did know, was that it wasn't a pretty sight.

A few seconds later she saw Hotch, Morgan and Will follow Ashley back into the room, all wearing the same worried, guilty and nervous looks on their faces. Garcia wondered in the back of her mind why they had left Reid alone, after dropping such a bomb, but she couldn't bring herself to ask. Thankfully, Rossi did it for her.

"How'd it go...?"

Hotch exchanged a look with Morgan, then Will.

"About as well as you'd expect. He needs to hang in there till we figure this out, then one of us should be with him at all times." Morgan explained, and Garcia sighed, knowing that her chocolate god was one hundred percent right.

"We can do that. After she... after Emily calls I'll sit with him first?" Garcia put forth, and Morgan smiled at her.

"I appreciate that Garcia." Hotch told her. She nodded.

Suddenly the phone in JJ's hand began to ring, and she clutched it tightly. Garcia looked at her, eyes wide and legs immediately shaking.

"You got the tracking program open?" JJ asked, and Garcia took a little too long to respond.

"Uh... uh yeah." She stuttered out, everything she had focused on JJs cell.

"Okay. Let's do this." JJ almost whispered, and flipped it open and pressed talk.

"Hello?" The blonde answered, and everyone waited in tense quiet. Garcia heard something small on the other hand, and felt a shock to her heart as she recognised Emily's voice.

"Um... Em... can I put you on speaker?" JJ asked, and Garcia almost started hyperventilating. Suddenly she wanted to push this off further... this was all happening too fast. Way too fast.

JJ looked up from her phone, and looked straight at Garcia.

"Are you tracking this?" She mouthed to the tech girl, and Penelope shook off her daze, typed in one or two keys and the program began its work.

She nodded. Then JJ pressed the speaker phone button.

"Can you hear me?" Came Emily's voice, bouncing into the room and sending shock after shock through Garcia. Her heart soared, but also seemed to crack as she heard that light, determined voice.

"Yes." Morgan squeaked.

**SOOOOOO? I'm **_**SO **_**sorry this took so long, but god I had to write the hardest stuff... eek! Tell me how I did?**


	12. Chapter 12

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

Reid sat in his hospital bed, feeling like he was unravelling piece by piece. Nothing made any sense anymore. Everything he had held close, and everything he had believed to be true, was indeed false. He couldn't even form proper thoughts anymore. Every time he tried, they led back to Emily; making his stomach pang with cold anxiety.

He wondered what she'd been doing all this time. He wondered if she had had any choice in the matter. He wondered if she thought about the team. Thought about him. Because all he had thought about since that night was her. So had he crossed her mind at all? Missed him? Felt guilty?

One side of his brain screamed the obvious answer; yes. Yes of course she had. This was Emily after all. And yet another side of his genius mind told him slowly, in a deep whisper, that no, why would she? She'd survived and gotten a second life. She'd be happy, not upset. She'd gotten free. So why return?

The selfish side of him said she would return for them. Because she loved them like they loved her right? Yeah, that had to be the truth. She loved them. But she'd lied about so much, the realist in him yelled. Maybe her love was also a lie. It had to be possible. It just had to.

His thoughts were flickering back and forth like lightening, and he couldn't seem to slow them down, no matter how he tried.

Pain had been eating away at his stomach since Seaver had come to get Hotch, Morgan and Will. He still didn't know why they'd left, but something told him it was because of Strauss. Was she here? Just the thought made him want to be sick. He wasn't ready for any of this. None of it.

Suddenly, he heard the teams muted, muffled voices from the waiting room down the hall, and he found himself listening intently. He couldn't know what they were saying, but he could distinguish who's voice it was. He first hear JJ, then Hotch and Garcia's bubbly tone.

And then... Something in him snapped as he heard it. It sounded like it was from over a phone. Regardless, he knew her voice anywhere. That was Emily. Emily's voice.

And all of a sudden he wasn't in control anymore. His heart pounded in his ears as his body moved of its own accord. He got out of his bed (thanking whoever it was that had unplugged him from the annoying machines) and plucked the IV out of his arm with a quick tug.

He grabbed the pair of sweat pants Morgan had brought him, and pulled them on, ignoring the pain it caused on his compressed stomach. He then stood up and just for a moment, froze in order to have complete silence. But soon he heard her again, that melodic voice, and acted on autopilot once again.

His bare feet stumbled towards the door, and padded into the hallway, him unable to comprehend anything but her voice. Soon he was halfway down the hall, and he could see into the waiting room basically assigned to the BAU specifically. The team had their backs to him, crowded around what he assumed to be a cell phone. From the looks of it, it was probably JJ's.

Garcia soon spoke animatedly, but he paid little to no attention to what she was saying. He wished for her to stop, so he could hear Emily again. He was sure it was her. Then Morgan spoke, along with Hotch, and other than acknowledging the pain in their voices, he ignored them, tuning it out so he could hear Prentiss. With his eidetic memory, he'd be able to recall the whole conversation later.

And then he was at the door. And he was numb, because she was speaking again. He could really hear what she was saying over the phone now.

"Where's Reid? Is that why you're in a hospital? Oh my god what happened?" He heard her ask frantically and nobody answered.

The room became dreadfully silent, and he knew he should leave but there was no going back now.

"Emily?" He squeaked, and watched as all eyes turned to him.

XXX

Emily's heart beat fast in her chest as she put the puzzle pieces together in her mind. She hadn't heard Reid's voice. The team was at a hospital. Strauss was getting involved. That could only mean one thing.

"Where's Reid? Is that why you're in a hospital? Oh my god what happened?" She asked in a panic, her euphoria caused by hearing their voices evaporating as she came to her conclusion.

Nobody answered. For a minute, she worried she had lost service or the call had been dropped. But then she heard Garcia mumble something, sounding worried, and her panic tripled. What had happened to Reid? He had already been through so, so much.

Had an unsub gotten to him? Had he had an accident? Maybe something had come of those headaches? Oh god...he couldn't have schizophrenia...no...that wasn't the truth. She refused to believe it. But the silence on the line was enough to kill her with worry.

Out of instinct, she began to bite her thumb nail, and when she realized Reid would probably scold her for it, she almost began to sob. Her tears rose and she almost began to choke. But then she heard it.

"Emily?"

Finally, his light voice reached her, and despite the fact that happiness spread quickly, she remained scared. His tone was high pitched, disbelief and pain clear in his voice. Dammit, she knew he would take this the worst.

"Reid? Oh my god I missed you so much. It's so good to hear your voice." She said quickly, losing herself in the fact that he was on the line, and well enough to speak to her.

"Uh...yeah." Was all he said. She hadn't expected too much more. She knew he was in bad shape. She knew he would take her 'death' the worst of all of them; it was an obvious fact.

"Spencer, I need to say something and you have to listen okay?" She asked, knowing she had a limited window of time to ask him.

He didn't say anything. Nobody did. She took that as a yes.

"I am so, so sorry. I...I can't even begin to describe how sorry I am. And I'm not just speaking to you Reid, I'm talking to all of you. If I had just gone to you guys, and trusted you about Doyle, absolutely none of this would have happened. And...god, none of you would have gone through this. I...I..." She trailed off, unable to find anymore words.

There was a silence on the phone call, and tears began to escape her eyes. What if they never forgave her? What if they never wanted to see her again? What if?

"Well we did go through it Emily." Garcia said, unusually angry. Emily felt the pain in her voice, and it stabbed her like a serrated knife, straight through her heart.

"I know. I know, and I'm so sorry." She said, her voice becoming barely distinguishable through her tears, and she was sure they knew she was beginning to sob.

"I thought you were dead... Reid's small voice said, and Prentiss looked up at her ceiling, trying not to uncontrollably sob. The amount of hurt in his voice was more than she has ever heard before. It was enough to make her stomach clench.

"Reid... I..." She failed to find any coherent language, as a sob escaped her. She could hear someone cry on the other end of the call, and was almost sure it was Penelope.

"So this whole time... you've been off in France? Perfectly fine? And you, JJ or Hotch- didn't think that was something we should know? Be trusted with?" Morgan asked in a frustrated half-yell, and she bit her lip. What could she say?

"Before you...you hate me, and trust me I understand if you do, could you please just let me explain one thing?" She almost begged over the phone, and pictured their faces, with no trouble, filled with hate and anger towards her.

"Fine. Explain." She heard Rossi snap, and she blinked away tears.

"After I recovered from being stabbed, I wanted to see you all so, so badly. But I knew Doyle was still stalking me, so I couldn't. I just couldn't put you in danger again. So I spent every living minute trying to get a step ahead of him. I reunited with agents who's cover hadn't been blown, I set up video cameras and even hired a computer whiz who...who was nowhere near as good as you Penelope." Emily explained, and heard Garcia sniff.

"And finally, yesterday, I ran into him. Face to face. Actually, I don't think he was expecting it, because he only had one of his dumbass henchmen with him. I had a good shot; we weren't in public. So I took it. And all that I could think about was the fact that he had solely ruined my life with you. You're my family. And he took that away from me. I shot his henchman, then him. Actually I lost count how many times. Maybe 3...or 4. But all I could think about was you guys. And...and how much I missed you." She said, her voice cracking several times.

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you were on my mind this entire time. All of you. That includes Jack, and Henry and Will and Kevin. None of you ever left my head." She finished, and waited. She could hear Garcia sniffling again.

Then finally, Seaver spoke for the first time.

"It'll just take some time getting used to the fact that you're...well..."

"Alive." Spencer finished, and she could hear something distinct in his voice...was it...regret? For what?

"I know." She said and nobody spoke for a minute or two. It wasn't awkward though. More like...fitting.

"Reid? Why are you in the hospital?" She asked, as the sudden thought of him in pain grabbed her.

She heard someone shuffle their feet.

"Uh...we can talk about that later." He muttered quickly and she could picture him looking down with a blush.

"Come on. I...I need to know you're okay." She pleaded, but to no avail.

"I am okay."

She sighed and licked her lips. "Spencer, please tell me what happened."

"Um... nothing really. An unsub kinda knocked me out. That's all. Don't worry about me." He said, and despite being upset at the thought of that happening, she sighed in relief. Being knocked out wasn't nearly as bad as half the conclusions her over-worried mind had concluded to.

"Oh. Okay. Sorry, I didn't mean to push..." She apologized, worrying she has upset or embarrassed him.

He didn't say anything.

"Prentiss, we're going to call you back later to discuss what to do next. Is that alright?" Hotch asked her, putting a damper on her emotions.

"Uh...yeah I guess. But before you go, I just want to say that I miss you all more than anything guys." She assured them, and heard Garcia sniff again, along with who she assumed was JJ.

"I love you Em. And we all miss you." Penelope assured her.

"Love you too." She replied on instinct. But it was so very, very true.

"I'm glad you're...well, alive." Morgan said, and she smiled through her sadness. She missed him.

"Uh, yeah, I guess it's a pretty good thing. And I'm glad you're okay Reid." She said quickly, knowing Hotch was wanting to end the phone call.

She heard a mumbled response from the genius.

"Bye Emily." JJ said softly.

"Bye Jayje." Emily replied, and listened as the line disconnected.

And with that, she sat down on her bed, pulled her knees to her chest and tried not to cry once again.

**SORRY I KNOW THIS HAS LEGIT TAKEN FOREVER! The downside of exams and 3 stories on the go. I'm also aware its getting boring :/ PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! I LIVE TO PLEASE**


	13. Chapter 13

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

JJ stared at Spencer wide eyed after the phone call ended. Nobody moved. Everyone just stared at him. He looked at the floor, as if it was incredibly interesting. His eyes had dark bags under them which looked far more pronounced in this light. His feet were bare and out of proportion with the baggy hospital clothing he wore. His hair was even more ruffled than before.

And of course, he was shaking. She wasn't sure why though, as it seemed it wasn't solely because of the withdrawal. No, it looked like he was holding in sobs. He looked like he was falling apart. But he was trying to be brave. God, why did he always try and do that? Nobody would care if he broke down. Although, he seemed to think they would.

Still, nobody had spoke. The silence was too thick. Almost thick enough that you could visibly feel it. Other than Henry's sleeping breath every few seconds. It was one of those moments where nobody had the balls to say anything, because they'd be the one who disturbed the silence. And it wasn't to be disturbed. It was one of those times where everyone breathed very silently, and even if they were uncomfortable, they didn't move, or even shift because they couldn't make any noise, or draw the attention to them.

Instead, they all looked at Reid very accusingly. And apprehensively. JJ knew she shouldn't be. That's the first thing you _don't _do with a drug addict. But god she just couldn't help it.

What on earth had he just done? He had flat out lied to Emily. He was here because of her. He was going through withdrawal because of her. And he comes up with this bullshit about being knocked out? What would she do when she found out? When she returns and sees that this was obviously not something an unsub did? Or would he find a way around it? What on earth could he possibly do?

Nobody dared to say anything. It had been a few tense minutes, but nobody had the guts to speak. Not even Morgan. Not even Hotch. Not even herself. No, JJ was too scared to say anything. What could she say anyway? First of all, words were failing her right now. Second of all, she wasn't sure she had a voice anymore.

She looked back at Reid, and suddenly noticed something. His shoulders were quivering. Maybe it was her maternal instincts kicking in, but she looked closer at his face, which was still turned downwards. With a pang of her heart, she realized he was holding in tears. One or two had slid down his cheek already. His mouth was twitching with held back cries.

Suddenly the overpowering silence disappeared for her, as her caring took hold. She managed to make her legs move, and one second she was stepping forward with all eyes on her, and the next she was in front of Spencer.

Quickly, not hesitating, she pulled him into the tightest hug she had ever given. Guilt was driving her mad, but she pushed it aside and she ran her hand up and down on his vibrating back. It may have been strange, but JJ suddenly felt even closer to Reid. He was like a little boy, crying in her arms. But he was her little boy.

His silent cries suddenly ended with a large sniff, and the silence was broken for everyone else as well. They came rushing forwards, Penelope first, Morgan second. Both put a hand on his back, from what JJ could see with her head buried in his shaking shoulder. She heard Garcia begin to cry and sensed that Morgan was tearing up too. She shifted her head to see that Kevin had his arm around Penelope as she cried.

And suddenly JJ realized she was crying too. Her vision was blurred and her eyes stung with held back sorrow. She wanted to do more for her best friend. She _needed _to. But... jesus what the hell could she?

There was only one thing she knew how to do. Be a mom.

"Shhh, Spencer. It's okay." She whispered, so low only he could hear it. Even though he normally hated being treated as a child, somehow he didn't care this time. She felt him squeeze her tighter.

And she only had one thought running through her mind; this was all her fault.

XXX

Will watched from the side as JJ led Spencer back to his room. He had stayed on the ground with sleeping Henry in his arms, knowing it wasn't his place to comfort the man. Sure, he was close to him, but not nearly as close as the team.

After JJ and Spencer had gone, the team sat down and stared at the floor. That damn silence started again, and Will became very, very uncomfortable. He began shifting Henry ever so slightly, hoping he'd wake up. Thank god, after a few moments he opened his eyes.

Being the kid he was, he didn't know not to interfere with the sad silence.

"Dad, can I have juice?" He asked, and he seemed much louder than he was.

"For sure, little buddy. Let's go down to the cafeteria, okay?" Will said, and ignored the team members looking at him. 

"What's a cafaperia?" Henry asked, and Will tried not to laugh.

"You'll see." He replied and stood up, picking up Henry and propping him up on his hip.

"Anyone want anything?" Will asked, but everyone stayed silent. Only Garcia looked up. Rossi twitched, but didn't move, or speak.

"That means no daddy."

...

Will bought Henry a grape juice, and himself a large black coffee. He needed a lot of energy. Though he was aware of everything around him, his mind only thought about Emily.

He was surprised JJ didn't tell him. In fact, he was surprised she had been able to lie like that. Not so much that she can't keep a secret, but more that her morals usually stop her from doing something so horrible. He knew she had to, for their safety and Prentiss' but... it still shocked him.

Even more so, the fact that she was alive and okay. He went to her funeral not so long ago, and now he was speaking on the phone with her. That was something he never thought would happen. Ever. Nobody did, he was sure.

He'd only met Emily Prentiss a few times. She came to some of Henry's parties, and babysat for him once. She was a beautiful woman. With long, raven black hair and particularly mesmerizing eyelashes. Not that Will was looking of course; he loved JJ more than everything. But the last hour had made him visualize her in his mind, over and over and over.

"Daddy look! An airplane!" Henry said amusedly as he used his juice box straw as a makeshift plane, flying it all around his head, managing to drop a few droplets directly onto his white shirt.

"Henry, you're gonna ruin your shirt! Come on now, Mommy won't be very happy with you." Will told him, and Henry giggled.

"Just drink the juice!" Will suggested playfully, and helped him put the straw back where it belonged.

"Dad, does this mean Auntie Emmie is okay?" Henry asked, causing Will to fumble with his coffee cup. He hadn't seen that one coming.

"I thought you were asleep Henry." Will said, wondering how the hell his son had heard, and above all understood their conversation.

"No." He said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "So is she?"

"Um, yes. She's fine." Will tried to say without his voice catching. How was he supposed to answer something like that?

"But you and mommy said she was gone!" He insisted, and Will sighed, taking Henry's hand.

"Well Mommy thought she was. But it turns out she was just on vacation." He said, hoping that would satisfy his curious son.

Henry seemed to be okay with that answer, and went back to his juice. Will sighed, and took a sip of his coffee.

"Then why didn't she send me a postcard?" Henry asked curiously, and Will choked on his drink.

He coughed for a second then looked at his son, who was looking at him intensely for an answer.

"Uh, she was very busy with work. Just like your mommy and daddy are." Will explained.

"But vacation is when you don't work daddy." Henry said, and Will clenched his fingers together. Crap. He's walked right into that one.

"This was a different kind of vacation Henry. On Emily's vacation, she gets to go to Paris, but still works so she can buy food and other things." Will said, just rolling with whatever came to mind.

"Oh. But if she bought food, why couldn't she send me a postcard?" Henry asked, and Will just looked at him.

"I don't know. She was busy buddy. Now finish up your juice. Would you like some fruit too?" Will asked and Henry nodded hungrily. Her didn't blame him, the kid hadn't eaten in quite some time.

"Okay, let's get some. And maybe bring some food up to everyone else, just from you?" Will asked, and Henry nodded again.

"But you have to tell them it's from me!" Henry said excitedly.

"Of course I will."

...

Fifteen minutes later, they were walking back to the elevators, a box of muffins in Will's hands and a bag of juice and pop cans in Henry's. Will pressed the button, and turned around to smile at his son.

A movement from the side of his sight caught his eye and he looked up, to see a group of people walking in the hospital doors. They all looked extremely worried, much the same as he, JJ and the rest of the team had looked just a while ago.

Will watched them for a second, and then looked back at the door as a single woman walked in. Her heels clicked on the tiles and her skirt was long and tailored. In fact, her whole outfit just about screamed professionalism and superiority.

He almost dropped the box of muffins when he came to the realization. That wasn't just any woman. That was Erin Strauss.

_Shit._

Will acted on instinct and grabbed Henry's hand pulling him along the hallway. His son asked aloud as to why they were leaving, but all Will did was pull open his phone and click the number one speed dial.

Within one dial tone she picked up.

"Will? Why are you calling?" JJ asked anxiously.

"Strauss is here." He said quickly.

"_What?_"

"What do I do?" He asked frantically, noticing as Strauss checked in with a receptionist.

"Shit...fuck...distract her! For as long as you can!" JJ yelled into the phone, and hung up on him.

_Great._

Will grabbed Henry again, and muttered something about 'meeting a nice lady from mommy's work' to keep him at bay. He dragged him towards her, and she didn't notice them until they were mere feet from her.

"Hello Mrs Strauss. I'm Will, JJ's husband. And this is our son Henry." He said nervously, stalling for more time. Henry waved at her with the hand Will had just released.

Strauss looked at him warily, and it was quite obvious she was judging him. Her eyes wandered to Henry, as if he was an annoyance. Will bit his tongue as to not offend her.

XXX

"Strauss is downstairs, Will's stalling him." JJ said as she rushed into the waiting room.

"Fuck."

"Oh my god."

"Already?"

"She couldn't have noticed the system changes already!"

"_Oh you have GOT to be kidding me."_

**So! REVIEW! **

**I AM SO INCREDIBLY SORRY FOR THE WAIT I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU! I WROTE THIS AGES AGO BUT IT GOT DELETED, AND I HAVE 4 OTHER STORIES ON THE GO, and you know, its summer so I have a little bit of a life...**

**PLEASE REVIEW AND FORGIVE ME :'(**

**xo**


	14. Chapter 14

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

"And?" Strauss asked irritably, raising an eyebrow.

"Uh, I was just wondering why you're here?" Will asked, improvising. He felt Henry pulling on his hand lightly, probably curious as to what they were doing.

"You're hardly in a position to question me, Will." Erin said in a cold, hard as steel tone. Her eyes narrowed slightly, and she crossed her arms.

"Oh, no ma'am, I was just wondering. I figured you'd be busy, being in charge of everything." Will said, remembering something JJ had said once about authority figures.

"_That type of unsub likes to be praised for their work, because they view themselves as a superior to everyone else. It's important for us to make them sound higher than the population. Us, even."_

Okay, so Erin Strauss was no unsub. She didn't kill anyone. But if looks could kill she'd be their next case, at the moment.

"Well, yes, usually. But the team, and your wife have crossed the line this time." Strauss said angrily.

"What line?" Henry asked curiously, and Will looked down to give him a look that clearly said _let's play the silent game._

Erin visibly softened her face to look at Henry, and Will knew this was probably because she had a son of her own.

"An imaginary one. Your mom left work without permission and ignored my calls." She said coldly to Henry, who frowned in confusion.

"Mommy says we're not allowed to break rules." Henry told her simply, even though Will was now squeezing his hand firmly in a warning.

"Well your mother needs to learn to practice what she preaches." Strauss mumbled, although it was loud enough for Henry to hear.

"Daddy, what-"

"You know what Mrs Strauss; I've had enough of this. You can insult my wife all you want, but rumour has it you've broken your own fair share of rules. So really, when you think about it, that applies far more to you than it does to JJ. Now please, if you're going to give your opinion on her, do it when my son isn't around." Will said angrily, and stared her down.

He expected her to back off, but she puffed up her chest.

"Well _William, _I would watch your mouth if I were you. I have the power to get you fired just as much as Jennifer." Strauss threatened fiercely.

Will watched as a few passers-by looked at her warily, as her voice was quite loud in the quiet lobby.

"Go right ahead _Erin, _any dirt you have on me will be topped by the _pile _we have on you." Will fought back even louder, and ignored the few looks he got.

"Is that a threat? You listen to me, Will." She said with venom in her tone, as she stepped closer to him. "If I were you I'd value the time you have left with your badge, and buy your spoiled son here something nice. Because this time tomorrow, that flashy police shield, along with your salary, will be gone. Got it?"

Will let go of Henry's hand and stepped even closer to Erin.

"Don't you _ever _speak badly of Henry in front of me, 'got it'?" He said coldly, imitating her low voice.

This time Strauss put her hands on her hips furiously, but before she could reply, someone interrupted.

"Hey? What the hell is going on here?" Hotch asked apprehensively.

"Nothing of your business Aaron. You should probably be packing up your office right now anyways." Erin said, and Will backed up and grabbed his son's hand once more.

"Strauss, I would shut my mouth if I was you." Hotch said angrily.

"Come on Henry." Will said to his son, and began pulling him towards the elevators. "Mrs Strauss isn't the type of person we want to waste out time over. Let's go give everyone their muffins and soda."

"Okay Daddy. Bye Uncle Hotch!"

XXX

Emily turned on her shower on auto pilot, her mind elsewhere. She was continually running though the conversation on the phone with her...well, family.

She missed them more than anything. She wanted to see them smile. She wanted to hug them. Or just have another conversation...even just sit in silence. Even just see them through a window!

She pulled off her dress and threw it to the tiled floor. She then fully undressed and walked across the cold marble and into the shower. It was scolding hot, but she didn't care. It washed away the lonely feeling that had settled over her.

Everything felt strange now. Ever since she'd left. She hadn't realized it then, but now she knew; she couldn't live properly without them. She missed every single one of them.

She missed Hotch. She missed his caring authority, the way that whenever he was around, you couldn't help but feel safe, and the fact that even though he had gone through so much, he remained who he was. She even missed him telling her off.

She missed Rossi. She missed his joking, sarcasm and judgements. He was always honest with his opinions...painfully so. She missed him tossing crumpled up paper across the plane at her. She missed the way he quoted historians as though it was nothing.

The hot water rolled off Emily's back and seeped into her skin, warming her cold skin.

She missed JJ. She missed her light smile, her melodic laugh, and her sweet hugs. She missed the way she showed up at Emily's desk with Chinese food when they had extra paperwork. She missed the fact that she could talk to her about literally anything.

She missed Morgan. She missed his jokes, his pet names and his teasing. She missed how tough he was, but also how utterly loving. She missed the way he looked out for her. She missed his temper, his swearing and even the fact that he didn't know when to stop teasing.

Emily rotated in a circle, letting the water cover her evenly, and scold every inch of her skin.

She missed Garcia. She missed her spunk, her cheer and her light. She missed her bright clothes, cute nicknames and long messages. She missed being able to call her and hear "You've reached the office of supreme knowledge." And on top of all that, she missed her hair.

Most of all, she missed Reid. She missed his sweater vests and leather shoes. She missed his random facts and need to be right. She missed the way her swallowed before going on a long, scientific rant. She missed his physics magic. And she even missed being corrected every five seconds.

Yeah. To say she needed them, was an understatement.

She even missed Seaver. She didn't know her that well, but still, it seemed as though she was an important and loving person.

God, nothing was okay right now.

She wanted to see them so badly she physically felt it. But it just wasn't an option.

Or was it?

XXX

Oh hell no, this wasn't happening. They'd just had the phone call to Emily (which was still hard to believe) and now Strauss was here? Great. Just great.

Rossi was a calm man, on most occasions. But now was not one of those times. He felt heat rise in him as he got worked up unwillingly. Strauss was not doing this. Not now. Of all damn times.

Hotch had gone downstairs only 10 minutes ago, and now Will rushed into the room with Henry by his hand.

"That woman is worse than half the criminals I deal with." He said angrily, and stood still as JJ put a hand on his shoulder.

"Why is she here? Did she see what I did?" Garcia asked worriedly, one hand in Morgan's and the other in Kevin's.

"I don't know, all I got out of her was threats to me and all of you about losing our jobs and all the 'authority' she has." Will said irratably.

Rossi felt anger bubble inside him.

"What the hell is with her?" Ashley asked angrily, but then she obviously remembered that Henry was in the room. "I mean what the heck."

Rossi couldn't help the raised eyebrow he gave her. JJ looked at her with a mixture of disappointment and amusement on her features. Suddenly Garcia stifled a chuckle.

"Anyway, she's coming up here. Hotch is trying to stop her but...I don't think we can." Will explained with a large sigh.

"We'll just have to see how she feels about blackmail." Kevin said lightly and shifted awkwardly.

XXX

Reid curled into himself in his hospital bed, letting the sheets lie over him lightly.

His mind was going back through everything she had said. Every beautiful word in her beautiful voice.

_Where's Reid? Is that why you're in a hospital? Oh my god what happened?_

_Reid? Oh my god I missed you so much. It's so good to hear your voice._

_Spencer, I need to say something and you have to listen okay?_

_I am so, so sorry. I...I can't even begin to describe how sorry I am. And I'm not just speaking to you Reid, I'm talking to all of you. If I had just gone to you guys, and trusted you about Doyle, absolutely none of this would have happened. And...god, none of you would have gone through this. I...I..._

_I know. I know, and I'm so sorry._

_Reid... I..._

_Before you...you hate me, and trust me I understand if you do, could you please just let me explain one thing?_

And so on and so forth. It sounded like she cared. Well, maybe she did, right? No, she couldn't. Yes, she could. No...yes...no...yes...maybe...a little...somewhat...not at all...yes...no...

Fuck, he didn't know anything anymore. He gave up trying to figure that part out.

Maybe he should just think about what _he _cared about. He cared about his family. And his friends. He cared about his mom, his godson and his team. Most of all, although he wasn't sure why, all of a sudden he cared for Emily. With a passion he'd never felt before.

He assumed that by being deceived in such a way, your heart and mind sort of...grows around that person. Then upon finding out they're...alive, it sort of completely revolves around them, and you can't go two minutes without them crossing your mind.

His mind wandered the pale room. Nurse checked on him. Her perfume was like Emily's flowery scent. There was a painting on the wall of a snowy landscape. Somehow, Reid's mind went to polar bears; one of Emily's favourite animals. Even he reminded himself of Emily. His hands were shaking and every 15 minutes or so, he's be sick. He had managed to look in the mirror when rushing to the bathroom a few moments ago. The circles under his eyes were enough to look like bruises. Just like the ones Emily got at the ranch during the hostage situation...

_No. Stop._

He didn't want to lose himself in those memories anymore. He was determined to stop thinking about it, really. Okay, deep down he knew that was pointless, but seriously, he could try, right?

He let his eyes follow doctors through the glass windows, secretly profiling each one. A nurse with blond hair smiled at each person who came to the desk, but dropped it foully the second they left. She worked here for the money and status, not the people.

A doctor with dark skin and gray hair was going out of his way to speak to every patient he could. He did this to feel better about himself... like he was making a difference. Obviously at home he was low down on the food chain, and had little respect given to him.

Another nurse walked by at that moment, and waved cheerily to him. Reid didn't move. Her smile never faltered. She continued down the hall, smiling at everyone she saw. Either she had just received fantastic news, or she was the sunshine around this place.

Just like Emily used to be...

_Stop it, Spencer!_

He would never be able to stop thinking about her. _Go back to profiling._

The next woman who walked down the hall didn't need to be profiled. Even an average citizen could she was a woman on a mission. She was visibly furious, and was fixing her hair to look more appropriate...superior.

This woman was Erin Strauss.

Without thinking, Reid curled further into a ball and turned his head from the door, hoping to dear god she wouldn't notice him. He wasn't ready for that. No noise entered his room, so obviously she had passed. He then realized his room was nearly right beside the waiting room.

Fear began to bubble in him until he was distracted by JJ's firm voice, along with Rossi's angry one.

And then the yelling started.

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	15. Chapter 15

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

"_Excuse me?_" Strauss said in a furious tone. Rossi had just insulted her with something along the lines of 'horrible parent who seeks superiority due to lack of control'.

"You heard me." Rossi said angrily.

Ashley Seaver was very out of place in this argument. She'd only been on this time a little while, right out of the academy, and this was not her fight. No way. It was getting to heated for her liking, but she stood her ground and remained with the other team members, not wanting to abandon them.

"All of you will be fired! You understand me? Aaron, you won't be able to provide for Jack. JJ and Will, you won't be able to provide for Henry." Strauss shouted, and the three parents stepped forwards furiously.

"Morgan? You'll be a failure. You've already had charges against you, and being fired from your job is all you need to be considered a screw up." She said loudly and Morgan was clenching his fists, obviously in an attempt to not do something stupid.

"David, you'll be going back to your pretentious book tour, Penelope and Kevin, you will go back to your damn online hacking. Oh wait, no you won't, you'll go to jail!" She shouted again, and said hackers gave her death glares.

"Oh and Ashley?" Strauss yelled, and Seaver felt her heart skip a beat. "Unless you come back to the BAU with me _immediately, _you will never be permitted in the FBI again."

All eyes fixed to Ashley as she stood on the spot, unsure of what to say. But, staying faithful no matter what, she puffed up her chest.

"Ma'am, if I may." Ashley began with a rigid iciness to her voice. "I am _not _deserting this team. They have been through hell this year alone, mostly caused by you, and I can't imagine everything else that's happened when I wasn't even a part of this. So I will not be joining you back to your stupid office. I am staying here with this team that you seem to hate so much, and there is nothing you can do about it." She finished, and everyone was silent as they stared in shock. Well, until Strauss found her voice.

"YES THERE IS SOMETHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT." Strauss shouted again, and Will pulled Henry back out the door, as the child was beginning to cry.

"No! No, there isn't." Penelope said bravely, standing to face the woman.

"And what is that supposed to mean? Hmm?" Erin interrogated. Penelope took a large breath.

"It means that I have put a few...let's call them updates in your file. If I was to say...email it to some important people, it's _you _who'll 'never be permitted in the FBI again.' So I suggest you quiet your voice before we aren't allowed in this _hospital _again." Penelope said calmly, and all the while was holding both Morgan and Kevin's hands.

"You did _what_?" Strauss asked in shock and fury.

"What you're thinking is right. We're blackmailing you. And it was my idea." Hotch lied, and Penelope looked at the floor, something Strauss missed entirely.

"How dare you!" She yelled again, and Ashley sighed. This was getting out of hand.

"Either you forget any of this happened and we wipe your file sparkly clean, or you make a bad choice and don't forget, meaning we don't wipe your file and you get fired." Morgan said, no doubt trying to put a damper on his anger.

"You are in no position to-"

"Everyone just shut up!" A voice shouted from the doorway, and they looked up to see Reid standing there, looking worse for the wear and still shaking.

They watched as Strauss did a literal double take. She obviously had to compose herself, seeing the normally dorky and loving man standing there, skinnier than ever, sick and frail looking.

"Someone...You...I need..." Erin tried, but seemed to fail speaking. "Someone explain this."

"Erin, sit down and-" Rossi began, but she wasn't having it.

"The nerve-"

"Please sit down ma'am." Reid said gently, and gestured towards a chair. This time she listened and did just that.

"Reid, you should be resting." Hotch told him, but Spencer shook his head.

"The doctor said it would be fine, just for a little while. Being in the FBI certainly helps persuading them." Reid said, and took the chair JJ immediately pulled up for him.

"So...So explain this to me." Strauss said, obviously still in shock at Reid's overall appearance.

Ashley had noticed it too. Maybe Reid wasn't one of the happiest people. But no matter how sad, hurt or even devastated he was, he had this...how would you say it...spark to him. And now, in this hospital, even surrounded by the people he loved most, fawning over him and defending him in every way, that spark...it had flickered out. She couldn't see it anymore. And that made an immense sadness settle over her.

"I should start from the beginning. Before we thought Emily was dead. Before Gideon even left the team. Back when I was kidnapped by Tobias Hankel." Reid said, and Ashley's hand involuntarily moved to her mouth.

Reid had been kidnapped? Oh god just the thought of it...It made her feel sick. What had this Tobias guy done to him? Had he hurt him? Oh god...

"Yes?" Strauss asked politely, very out of character.

"As you know, he drugged me with Dilaudid. But...it didn't stop there. I took it when the team found me. And I am going to take this moment," He said, turning to look at his team...more like family. "To say how sorry I am for doing that. I was so weak. I...god I don't even know how to say how sorry I am."

"Oh, Spencer you don't need to apologise!" Garcia said in a thick voice, her eyes red.

"Yes I do. Anyways, I...I was on that for quite awhile. I tried to hide it the best I could but it really changed me for the worse. I think my rock bottom was when I went to visit my mom, she took one look at me and...and asked what I was on. Seeing the look of disappointment on her face was all it took to make me see just how many people I was hurting with it." Spencer admitted, and Ashley saw everyone tear up, and Garcia began to sniff.

"Did you know about this Aaron?" Strauss asked, and Ashley bit her tongue to stop her from yelling at the insensitive woman.

"Damn right I did."

"So did I." Morgan said in an act of loyalty.

"We all did. And nobody said anything because we care about Reid. But really, we should have been there for you, Spence. I'm sorry." JJ said, her voice distorted from her held back sobs.

"Hey! No, I'm the one who's supposed to be apologising." He said, his voice heightening adorably.

Strauss cleared her throat.

"Right. Well, I got off it. I dealt with the cravings by myself. And I was proud to be clean. But nothing lasts forever. I still don't know why I got the damn headaches. I mean, I'm scared as hell I might be schizophrenic." Reid admitted, and looked to Morgan. Seaver had a guess that he had already discussed it with the other man.

"Relax, Reid. You're not crazy." Derek assured him.

"You realise you're supposed to report any health issues?" Strauss said, and once again, Ashley bit her tongue.

"Yes. But we've all had health issues we didn't report." Reid explained.

"That's not true." Strauss said coldly.

"Yes it is." The entire team, including Kevin and Ashley said at once. Erin looked at them slowly, but seemed to decide not to argue.

"Fine. Continue."

"Well, when I got the headaches I started craving again. I hadn't in so long, but they just came back. And with a vengeance. I couldn't get rid of them. Anyway, the only person I had even mentioned the headaches to was Emily. And we had gotten so close after being held hostage a few years before... I didn't wanna ruin that by mentioning Dilaudid, so I kept it to myself." Spencer admitted, and the room grew silent, most of them hanging on to his every word.

"And then when she...well, I guess she didn't actually die...when we _thought _she died I...I got so caught up thinking about all the things I wanted to tell her, but didn't get the chance. You know? I wanted to...play chess with her again. Go to the bar-"

"You never drink!" JJ said motherly.

"Exactly." Reid continued. "I wanted to tell her how amazing she was. Well, I guess still is. I just...anything would have been great. And I just couldn't stop how jealous I was of Morgan for getting to say goodbye, JJ for spending more one on one time with her, and all of you for just...being so close to her. Being close to anyone in general really. I always get pushed to the side with people-"

"No you don't, Reid." Rossi urged, but Spencer shook his head.

"No, I do. And I'm used to it. It happened when my dad left, and when my mom had her episodes and locked me in a closet, and in high school when I was bullied, and then pretty much the rest of my life. But then I found you guys and...I actually feel like people cared about me. And Emily...not to make comparisons, but she actually listened to what I was interested in. I mean, so do you, but you clock out after about 5 minutes. She always listened." Spencer admitted, and a small sigh escaped him.

Ashley once again scanned everyone's faces. The team looked sombre, but were smiling lightly. JJ almost looked as though she was holding back a grin, and Strauss...was that sympathy? No...it couldn't be.

"Oh my god Spence..." JJ said, as though she had just had a revelation. Her eyes lit up.

"What?" Hotch asked, but the blonde liaison just shook her head and looked back at Reid, who looked down.

"She meant everything to me. She _did _everything with me. All the stuff you guys wouldn't. We did physics magic, we went to old movies, this one time...we went out for ice cream-"

"You and your dairy, man." Kevin said with a smirk, and Garcia giggled through her tears.

"We went for ice cream and then just talked about the scientific improbabilities in Star Wars." Reid admitted with a blush and looked at JJ.

"I thought you said there weren't any." Morgan said, and Ashley figured they must have had a discussion about this.

"No, that was Star _Trek._ What I mean, is that I liked spending time with her more than anything. And I was lost without her. I guess what I'm trying to say...and I'm only realising it now as I say it...I loved her." Reid said, and Ashley sucked in a little breath. But apparently, the men in the room didn't get it.

"Yeah, we all did kiddo." Rossi told him.

"No. No, I mean...I _loved _her. I was in love with Emily. I mean, wrong tense. I _am_...in love with Emily."

_Wow._

XXX

What? No...did he just...no he couldn't have...but he did. Reid just said that. Holy mother of god.

"Really?" Garcia squealed and the team, even in their shock, managed a light chuckle at her behaavior.

Strauss remained silent, and Hotch looked at her accusingly. Whatever she was trying to formulate in her head, he was going to stop her.

"Spencer, you do know fraternization is against policy? Along with half of what you just told me." Erin said coldly, and before Hotch could defend him, Reid spoke up for himself.

And that was a moment for Aaron, that no one would ever understand. He was so used to defending Spencer. Just...keeping him from the horrible people they met, and trying to stop him from having to get in arguments. But Spencer wasn't that geeky kid anymore. He was a real agent, a real man and a real person. He could do things for himself.

"Please, Mrs Strauss, just listen to me. Fire me, go right ahead. In fact, maybe that's for the best. If Emily...if she...if she ever comes back, and my wildest dreams come true and she wants to... Well, no rules will be broken. So...yeah. But ma'am, don't fire any of these people." He said, gesturing to them all.

"Reid, it's oka-"

"No! No it's not guys. Listen ma'am, these people are my family. We seriously are. Hotch is like my dad. He...he gives me advice, keeps us all in line, and is there for us literally any second of the day we need him." Reid said, and Ashley watched as Hotch suddenly felt a wave of love wash over him, an immense feeling of pride filling him up.

"Uh...JJ is like my mom. She's always looking out for me, she never stops bugging me when I'm not feeling well...and I may act like I hate her nagging but I don't really. I love it. She's amazing." He said, and JJ sniffed, putting a hand on Spencer's shoulder and giving it a squeeze.

"Morgan. He's like the annoying older brother I never had. He might...okay he never actually gets _off _my nerves, but I still love him. He looks out for me, and I know that in the extremely unlikely event that I get in a fight, he'll be there, kicking ass. Now if he would just stop ruffling my hair, we'd be on better terms." Reid said with a smirk, and Derek did exactly that, making the younger man roll his eyes.

"Rossi is like the cool uncle everyone talks about. We all have one. He's a pain, but he never stops caring about us. He tries to be all macho and act like he can handle the job no matter what, but he breaks down. We all do. And it's our job to be there for each other when that happens. He's never been late for his job." Spencer said and Rossi echoed a laugh.

"Garcia...Garcia is like my sister. And she both the most wonderful, and utterly terrifying sister out there. We wouldn't be able to do anything without her, because she's literally the sunshine of the BAU. I don't think any of us would ever smile again without her. Also, I know that if I keep going on about her she'll hack my computer, so I'm gonna stop now." Spencer said with a faint smirk, and Garcia mumbled something along the lines of '_good choice genius.'_

"And going with that, I should hate Kevin because he's dating my sister, but we all love him. He's just as weird and fantastic as Penelope. The same goes for Will; you'd be making a huge mistake ruining either of these relationships." Reid said, and Ashley sighed across from Hotch.

"And Seaver may be new, but she's just as much a part of this family as any of us." Spencer said, and Ashley smiled with gratitude. "She's like a new kid sister and none of us want her to go."

"I guess what I'm saying is that yeah, we all broke the rules here. And that includes you. But breaking up this team won't solve anything. You'll not only ruin these people's lives, but you're sentencing others to death. This team is the best in the country at doing what they do. And if you fire them..." He trailed off, leaving them listening with all their heart.

He never finished that sentence.

Because they all watched in shock as Strauss tried very hard to keep her eyes dry, but failed miserably.

**SOOO?**

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	16. Chapter 16

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

"Strauss? Are you...?" JJ trailed off, confused as hell.

The woman's eyes were watery and red. Well, everyone's were. JJ herself was holding in the urge to hug Spencer as tight as she could, and never let anything hurt him again.

"I'm not the cold bitch you all make me out to be!" She said angrily, and brimmed her eyes with her fingers, wiping away any moisture.

"Are you sure about that?" Rossi muttered, but Morgan hit his arm in warning.

"Look...I'm not doing this as a favour to any of you, except Spencer. But..." Strauss trailed off.

"But what?" Morgan asked, and JJ felt her heart lift. Could this actually work?

"You take that horrible stuff off my file-"

"That 'horrible' stuff was all true, you know." Kevin interrupted, puffing up his chest. Penelope smiled proudly at him.

"Don't push your luck. Take it off my file, and I'll let this whole thing slide. For all of you. But one more toe out of line, and-"

"Yeah, we're fired. We know." JJ said fiercely.

"Thank you Ma'am. I appreciate this. A lot." Spencer said lightly, still looking sickly.

"Get better Spencer. I want you back at work soon." She said, and stood up, looking wary.

"Wait...I'm allowed back to work?" He asked in shock, and JJ grinned.

"Yes. But you're on thin ice." She said, her cold tone invading her voice again.

"Thank you so much-"

"Say thank you one more time and you _are_ fired." She said, fully back to her cold tone. She seemed to hesitate when she got near the door. Then she turned back and looked at Reid.

"I know what it's like, loving someone, and having to live without them. For what it's worth, I hope you see her again soon." Strauss said, to the shock of everyone in the room.

With that she swept out of the doorway, her heels clicking angrily on the tile.

"That was..." Hotch began, but apparently couldn't finish.

JJ's mind was still a blur. She'd never have thought the situation would end that way. They'd been all geared up for world war three, and all they needed was Spencer to tell his story. The story that none of them had even known about.

Will and Henry came back in the room, and JJ hugged them tightly, half out of shock, and half out of love.

"Me and Daddy brought muffins!" Henry said happily, and all of them chuckled.

Well...almost all of them.

Although, JJ could swear she saw a small smile flicker across Spencer's pale face.

XXX

Emily didn't know why she was doing it. She didn't know how she came up with the idea, or why the hell she even thought it was okay. What she did know, is that she was doing it.

The air outside was crisp and refreshing, washing away all the stress that seemed to surround her at the moment. She was contradicting herself every five seconds. But something was keeping her moving.

She tossed her suitcases in the cab's trunk, sucking in a deep breath. She slammed it closed and climbed into the back of the taxi.

"Bonjour." She said, but her accent was still very American.

"Le Francais?" The taxi driver asked, his accent thick.

"L'anglais." She replied quickly.

"Where to?" He asked, his accent still incredibly thick. She took a deep breath.

"The airport." She replied, and stared out the window.

She missed her family. She missed laughing, and smiling, and hugging. She just missed life. Because all these long weeks...months...she hadn't really been living.

Her cheek leant against the glass and she sighed, knowing she was making a mistake.

A good, good mistake.

XXX

JJ put a hand on Spencer's back as he was sick in his hospital bathroom. He held the rim of the toilet tightly, as if his frail life depended on it. Even though there was nothing left for him to throw up, his body didn't give him a break.

"You don't have to see this." He protested, collapsing against the wall.

"Yes I do Spencer. I'm not leaving you." She said firmly, putting a hand to his knee.

They fell silent for a moment, the air filling the atmosphere around them. The tile was cold against her back, and JJ breathed deeply. She couldn't help but look at Reid. His shaking hands, trembling body and sickly pale complexion. He was sick both inside and out.

"You're going to be okay, you know." She said, barely a whisper. He turned his dull eyes up to her, his entire body radiating exhaustion.

"You don't know that." Spencer mumbled tiredly.

"Yes I do. We all do. And I think, deep down, you do too." She said softly, and Reid turned his eyes down to the ground, avoiding her.

Suddenly he groaned, holding his stomach tightly, clenching his eyes shut. JJ sprung to her knees.

"Are you okay? Should I get a doctor?" JJ asked frantically, but he shook his head quickly.

"No." He groaned. "It's normal. They happened last time too. They go away after a while."

"You sure?" JJ worried, going back to her sitting position, this time closer to Spence.

He nodded with a slight moan.

For a minute or so, they sat together, Reid writhing a little every few seconds.

"Do you really love her?" JJ asked out of pure curiosity. Reid looked up and his face softened at the subject change.

"Yeah. I wouldn't lie about her." He said, and obviously didn't realize how much the words stabbed JJ like a knife. _I wouldn't lie about her._

The guilt hit her like a wave, and she looked at the tiled floor, holding back tears. This was all her fault.

"Oh god...Jayje, I never meant it like that, this isn't your fault..." Reid said quickly, his stomach pains forgotten. She felt him put a shaking hand on her own.

"I know. I know." She assured him, and sniffed.

And then her cell phone beeped, making both of them jump in surprise. She fumbled with the device, her fingers numb in the surprise of the moment. On the screen she saw that she had a new text from the number she had only saved hours ago as Emily.

"Speak of the devil..." She muttered, and felt Reid tense.

Quickly she read the message.

_I'm at the airport. I'm sorry JJ, I have to come home. I miss you too much. I know this is a mistake. But I don't care. See you soon. –Em._

"Oh shit..." She mumbled, and before Spencer could ask, she continued. "She's coming here."

"Oh...oh my god." Spencer muttered, his eyes staring into nothingness.

Then he lurched for the toilet, and began to dry heave again, as JJ tried to comfort him, but was lost in her own worries.

XXX

Emily turned her phone off, and sat in her seat on the airplane. It had taken her a while getting to this spot, with the amount of luggage she brought. After all, she wasn't sure she was coming back here.

Her body relaxed against the wall, her cheek once again on a cold window. She tried to tune out all the hustle and bustle around her, but failed miserably. So instead, she scanned the faces.

There were small children, giggling and fighting over their seats. Their mother was blushing, as the kids brought attention to themselves. Their father was on his cell phone, texting, even though it should be turned off.

There was a portly business man, who was chatting to another man, who was bald and laughing. The two obviously worked together, and it seemed that the larger man was the submissive, and was trying to show off and impress the other.

And then there was a man with piercing blue eyes, who seemed eerily familiar. There wasn't anything special about him...he just seemed cold and unfriendly.

Maybe she was just tired. She should probably just relax and try to get some rest. She had a big event ahead of her.

And she was terrified.

XXX

"We have a slight problem." JJ said from the doorway, and Garcia looked up with a sigh.

Seriously? Couldn't they just have one time where everything was good? They'd just solved all their problems, and now there was another to pile on top. Great.

"Can't we just be happy for once? Jesus..." Garcia mumbled, and looked at Kevin, who squeezed her fingers.

"Look, I tried to stop her, but she's already on the plane..." JJ trailed off, and Penelope's heart froze.

"_Who_ is on a plane?" Rossi asked, but they'd all guessed by now.

"Emily's coming home." JJ announced, and they all tensed. A million things ran through Garcia's mind.

"I'm not ready for her to come back." She said faintly, but everyone heard. Morgan put an arm on her shoulder.

"Spencer isn't either." JJ told them, and looked at her feet harshly.

"How did he react?" Hotch inquired, and she ran a hand through her messy blonde hair.

"Not good. He was sick and since then I can't get much out of him. He's going inside his head again..." She answered, and Penelope noticed her hands were shaking.

"I'll go and distract him...try and get him out of it. In the present. Henry, wanna come with me?" Morgan asked, and the little boy grinned widely.

"Yes!" He said happily, and all but skipped towards the ma, who held his hand.

The two exited the room, and nobody said anything for a long time. They sat, stood and paced in silence. Penelope couldn't help the memories of Emily that invaded her mind. Her smile, her eyes, her long black hair. Somehow, she couldn't picture her full face. Just the little details.

"What time is it?" Hotch suddenly asked.

"2:45." Kevin answered, him being the only one who found his voice.

"Damn it, Jack's out of school soon." The team leader said with a wary sigh.

"Go pick him up." JJ said lightly, passing him a coffee from the table, seeing as though he was the only one who hadn't eaten or drank anything.

"No, I have to stay here-"

"Then bring him here." Will said simply. "Him and Henry can keep each other company."

"Will," JJ said confusedly. "Is Henry really gonna be here that long?"

"I don't know, but I don't wanna leave Reid. He needs support right now, and I wanna help out." Will answered, and JJ seemed to take a moment to accept that and compose herself.

"You'll be fine without me while I pick him up?" Hotch asked, as if he didn't know the answer.

"We'll be fine." Rossi said with a small smile. It was probably the first time he'd done so since he arrived.

"Alright. I'll be back soon. If you have any updates, call me immediately." Hotch informed them, and strode out the door.

"Um, maybe I could go get us some proper food, rather than the hospital stuff?" Seaver offered, and Garcie smiled in appreciation.

"Is Chinese food okay?" She asked, and everyone mumbled in agreement.

"I'll come with you." Penelope said with a smile. "If you want, that is."

"Perfect." Ashley agreed, and Penelope leaned sideways to kiss Kevin on the cheek, before following the blonde out of the room.

"So..." Ashley mumbled as they reached the elevator.

"So." Garcia repeated.

"What happened to Reid when he was kidnapped? I just...I can't imagine him getting hurt." Seaver asked, and Penelope sighed.

"I don't know how much he'd want you to know, but I guess you'd find out eventually." She started as they stepped into the elevator cabin, and pressed the lobby button.

"Basically, he was with JJ when they went to interview a 911 caller..."

**So?**

**It's oddly written and weird, and it doesn't tie up many loose ends, but I figured I better bring Em back soon.**

**New chapter will be along faster than this one was, I hope. Sorry for the wait 3**

**Please review with what you wanna see in the next chapter, it helps a lot, I swear.**

**Much thanks for reading!**

**xoxoxo**


	17. Chapter 17

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

Reid raked a shaky hand through his hair, his breath forced. Emily was coming back. What on earth was he going to do? Only a few hours ago he'd found out she was alive. And now...now he was just supposed to see her again as if the whole ordeal had never happened? How...how could he? How could any of they? Not after what he'd just put them through.

That brought him right back to the horrible guilt in his gut, churning along with the minimal contents he hadn't yet thrown up. He rubbed his eyes again, almost as if to rub away that terrible guilt. It didn't work in the slightest. He definitely wished it had.

"Kid? You okay?" Morgan asked, and Reid nodded, but was still zoned out, everything in the room blurred out of focus.

"Hey. Spencer. Look at me." Morgan said, snapping his fingers in front of the man's face.

But Spencer remained that way, not really aware of anything. Why would he be? She was...she was coming back. And he was...well, he wasn't sure. He was...angry. Yes, you could say he was angry. How could Emily do such a thing to them?

The rational part of his mind knew she had been forced to. But that usually large rational part of his brain had been overshadowed by the newly heightened emotional section. It screamed at him that Emily was selfish, oblivious and mean. She didn't care what they went through. She didn't care.

But then why would she come back? Why would she return? Was she not thinking? Was she perhaps over-thinking? Or maybe Reid was the one over-thinking. He tended to do that a lot...he wasn't even aware of it anymore.

"Uncle Spencer!" Came a voice that pulled Reid out of his brain. Jack was walking into the room, a piece of paper clutched in his hand.

"Hey Jack." He said in the strongest voice he could muster. "How was school buddy?"

"Good! Daddy told me you were sick, so I drew you this!" He said happily, and handed Spencer the construction paper.

The drawing was childish, but fairly well done. A stick figure, who Reid assumed was himself, was lying on what seemed to be a bed. A smaller figure, probably Jack, had a thermometer in his hand, and a bowl in the other.

"It's you being sick, and me taking care of you. I'm bringing you a temperature-taker and soup!" Jack announced, pointing at the bowl.

"Aw, thanks Jack." Reid said, a fake smile on his face. He may not have had the energy to fake it for the team, but for Jack and Henry...he just had to. It wasn't optional.

"Hey Jack, do you wanna go with Morgan down to get a snack? You must be hungry." Hotch said, his voice sounding very different when speaking to his son.

"Okay!"

"Hotch, are you sure? I can stay with Reid..." Derek said uneasily. Always the protector.

"Yes. I need to speak with him." Hotch said, making said person's nerves zing.

It would be about her; Emily. He...he was sure of it.

Jack walked merrily into the hallway, as Derek followed, but not without a tense backward glance. Spencer looked him straight in the eye, no expression on his face.

When they had gone, Hotch sighed and sat in the chair closest to Reid.

"How are you...?" He began, his slight awkwardness showing through.

"How do I look?" Reid replied, cold sarcasm dead in his tone.

"Terrible." Hotch answered.

"Well that's how I feel." Spencer said dryly.

"Sorry." Hotch added.

"No, I am." Reid relented, feeling rude.

Hotch looked at his hands, probably unsure of where to start.

"Look...Spencer, as JJ told you, Emily is coming back." Aaron stated.

"Thanks captain obvious." Reid muttered.

"Well, I need you to tell me how you feel on the subject. Do you want to see her? If not, I can easily tell her not to come here. But if you do, what are your plans on explaining your condition? It's obvious an unsub didn't do this." Hotch said slowly.

Spencer had realized that, of course. Once Emily arrived here, there was no going back. He would either have to tell her the truth and break her heart (not unlike what she'd done to him), make up another lie and hope nobody spoiled it, or...hide it? No, Emily was a profiler, she'd see right through that, as if it was glass. So he had two options. Tell the truth...or lie.

"I don't know what I'm going to say." He answered honestly, willing himself not to get emotional, again.

"Then tell me how you feel about it." Hotch said, and scooted a little closer to the bed. Reid wasn't sure why, but under Hotch's warm look, he softened and spoke.

"Angry...worried...I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack to be honest." He answered softly.

"Reid, as I said, I can tell her not to come here." Aaron explained.

"No...because...because then it wouldn't be fair."

"Fair how?" He asked.

"You guys would get to s-see her and I wouldn't." Spence stuttered, his inner turmoil worsening at the thought.

"So you want to see her, but you don't." Hotch summed up.

"Does that...does that sound crazy...?" Reid asked with a tremble, caused purely out of worry.

"Absolutely not. I'm sure Emily feels the exact same."

XXX

Emily buckled her seatbelt on the plane as the sign lit up and the hostess announced they would be landing soon. It had been a long, stressful flight. More than that, actually.

Her inner turmoil was getting out of hand. She shouldn't have done this. But she had needed to. Still needed to. But it was wrong...yet right...yet terribly wrong. God, she had no idea what she was doing. Was it her fault this happened in the first place? No. Yes. Partially?

She groaned in frustration. Whether or not it was right, she was going straight to the hospital. That was another thing...She felt terrible that Spencer had been hurt by an unsub. Or had he? She knew it was wrong to question his sincerity but there was something in his voice...

"Ma'am, are you alright?" The person beside her asked, and Emily realized she'd started to cry.

"Um, yes." She assured her.

"Are you sure? You know, sometimes those scenes in the movies are true...it can help to talk to a stranger." The woman offered, and her eyes seemed honest.

"Um...okay." Emily agreed, not sure why. "Basically I lied to some friends, not that I had any choice, and...it hurt them badly. I just wish I could take it back and fix it."

The woman offered a smile.

"You know, things like that really do have a way of working themselves out. If these friends are close to you, and love you, they'll stay that way through all of this. Just do what you can and the universe will do the rest for you." The woman said kindly, and Emily found herself smiling.

"Thank you." She said softly.

"Not a problem. I'm Debbie, by the way." The lady said, and held her hand out. Emily shook it tenderly.

"Emily." She said, introducing herself as...herself, for the first time in weeks.

And the whole task of seeing the team seemed brighter.

XXX

"Baby Girl, are you sure you can do this?" Derek asked, as Penelope juggled the Chinese food, attempting not to drop anything.

"Really, I can carry more-" Seaver offered.

"No! Get out of my way, I can do this." She said stubbornly. She wasn't letting him win this argument.

Now, maybe she should have been behaving differently under these circumstances, but she had almost blocked the life changing revelations from her brain. Emily wasn't running through her mind at all, actually. For now, she was going to do what she could for the people who were here, and not those who weren't.

"Garcia-"

"Oh shush would you! I'm fine." She protested, almost dropping a bag of spring rolls.

"Um...Garcia..." Seaver began, in an odd tone.

"I'm fine!"

"Garcia!" Seaver said loudly, causing Penelope to look a her. Ashley was staring to where the hospital entrance was.

"Look..."

Penelope whipped her head around, and felt her breath hitch. Her mind began to whirl, and her legs began to shake.

Standing there, looking at them, was Emily.

Her hair was much shorter than before, and she was skinnier, but she was still Emily. Her eyes looked at them with regret. Her face was crinkled in worry. And her hands were visibly fidgeting.

Garcia let the chinese food slide out of her arms onto the nearest table, or ledge. She wasn't sure what it was. Every fibre of her being was focused on Emily Prentiss.

She walked towards her slowly, her body numb. She'd never thought she'd see her alive again, and yet here she was.

When she was merely a few feet from the other woman, she stopped.

"Hi." Emily said, barely audible.

"Oh Em..." Garcia uttered.

Then she closed the gap between them and enveloped her in a bone crushing hug, smelling in her perfume. She began to cry, holding Emily in her arms again, and tried not to become hysterical, though she wanted to.

"I missed you so much..." She whispered, and heard Emily sniff.

"I'm so sorry. I...I...I'm so sorry." She repeated like a mantra, and ran her hands over Penelope's back.

Finally after what seemed like forever, Derek put a hand on her shoulder, and she let go. She watched with a bright smile as he hugged Emily tighter and longer than he'd hugged anyone else.

"I'm so sorry." Emily kept repeating, even as she hugged Seaver briefly.

"It's okay." Morgan said, but Penelope knew he was lying.

"Don't lie. I know it's not. But I also know that no matter how much I want to, I can't take it back. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I did this to you." She apologized again and again.

"Let's just go upstairs." Derek said, his voice going a little cold. Penelope understood, but wished he'd shut up.

As they started towards the elevators, Chinese food distractedly picked up and carried, Penelope felt real worry. But she couldn't imagine how Emily felt. When she looked over at her, she saw tears in her eyes.

She wanted to say something, but her voice seemed to be broken.

**Sorry for the wait guys, love you. Review!**

**xo**


	18. Chapter 18

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

Reid wasn't sure what to do. Emily would be here soon. Their Emily. His Emily. How could he possibly deal with that?

He looked up and watched passersby with wary eyes. Any second, she could walk by. Any damn second.

And what could he do? The woman he loved and had thought to be dead was just supposed to walk back into their lives? Just like that?

No. Not just like that. Both he and the team knew it. Emily Prentiss probably did too.

He hoped so.

Because what else was there for her to know? She hadn't been here. They'd all changed and she didn't know. Had she changed too? He tried to picture her differently, and failed. All he could see was the Emily he knew. The one who was strong, dedicated, and sometimes a little stupid. The one with long black hair, perfectly curved eyelashes and confident smile. The Emily he fell in love with.

The Emily he was still in love with, to the point that it pained him.

And it did.

XXX

Emily walked behind Garcia, a strange sense of worry and disbelief pooling in her stomach.

She knew very well that this might not go smoothly. This in fact could go very, very badly. The team had thought she was dead. Dead! And now she was just gonna stroll in like the past 6 months had never happened. Like they hadn't carried her casket. Like they hadn't buried her. Like they hadn't grieved, mourned and missed her. Like she hadn't done the same.

No, it wasn't that easy.

She followed Garcia past many rooms, and she couldn't help but nonchalantly look into every one, hoping to see Spencer. She missed him so much. He'd sounded so...messed up over the phone. And she was sure he was.

Finally, they came to a stop. Carefully she peeked over Penelope's shoulder and saw the people she'd missed most since the Doyle incident.

Rossi was talking to Hotch in a worried tone, muttering and mumbling. Hotch ran a hand through his hair, looking over to the other side of the room.

She followed his gaze and saw Jack playing along with Henry, both doodling on paper. Both were bigger than she remembered. Both had changed.

Above them she saw Will, watching them carefully. He looked just the same, despite his haircut. She couldn't help but look at him.

Kevin was there as well and she grinned, knowing it meant he and Penelope were still happy together.

And suddenly a pacing JJ walked into her line of sight, and her heart took a leap. Her best friend really hadn't differed. She too had changed her hair, and her makeup was smudged, probably from worried crying, but other than that, the beautiful blonde was the same bright person.

Emily pushed past Penelope, into their view.

"Uh...hi." She said, and watched as they all looked up, their faces changing.

"Oh, Emily..." JJ whispered, and almost ran forwards to hug her.

Emily hugged back, perfectly aware of the fact that everyone was staring. She didn't care. All she wanted was a damn hug, that she'd been missing for so long.

"I...I don't even know how to tell you how sorry I am. I can't put it into words." Emily said as she pulled back and faced everyone.

They stared back, their expressions ranging from disbelief to stiff regret.

"All I wanna say is that I love you guys, I missed you so much, and jesus can I hug Jack and Henry now? I've missed you so much!" She said, losing her calm facade.

She heard giggles as both the boys latched onto her legs, smiling.

"I'm so sorry." She continued to repeat, as if it was the only thing keeping her sane. It sort of was.

"Are you done your vacation now Emmy?" Henry asked.

"Uh..."

"Pleeeaasseee?" Jack asked, in a childish whine that made her want to both giggle and cry.

"Yeah. I'm back for good." She told them, and grinned.

XXX

Reid's heart stopped. That was her. That was Emily. Her voice reached his ears, setting his nerves on end.

Suddenly he wished she really was gone. Well, of course not, but if she was he wouldn't have to do this again. See her. Awkwardly.

But he wasn't in control of himself anymore. He was edging towards the door, mismatched socked feet padding on the linoleum tiles. What did he care about shoes, when she was here? What did he care about anything? She was here. Holy crap, he couldn't do this.

He didn't wanna see her. No. But like he said, he wasn't in control of his body.

He was like a ghost as his physical being moved him.

Out his door.

Half way down the hall.

A stop with a baited breath. His mind tried to make him stop. His mind failed.

Another few feet.

Around the small corner.

And there, he could see through the window, her. The vision that was Emily Prentiss.

And he began to cry.

XXX

Emily heard everyone stop talking, and she unlatched herself from Garcia, who was sniffling.

She spun around, unsure of the new found silence. What had happened? Once she spun though, she knew.

In the doorway was Spencer Reid. But...but he wasn't Spencer Reid. He was sickly. With bags under his eyes and less blood under his skin. Messy hair and lanky frame as always. But hospital clothes and an IV drip in his hand, attached to his arm.

"Spencer..." She muttered, and noticed he had tears on his cheeks.

"You...I can't do this." Spencer stuttered, and started to back up, stumbling.

"Wait! Please. I'm so sorry Reid." Emily insisted, following him.

He continued to back up clumsily, shaking his head. Tears were flowing freely on his face, and Emily felt her own eyes begin to mimic him.

"No...I-I just can't d-do this right now." Reid whispered, and his back hit the wall.

She reached her arm out awkwardly, not knowing what else to do.

"I'm sorry." She said.

"I know. He answered simply, looking as though he wanted to be anywhere but here.

Maybe she did as well.

XXX

His world was falling apart around him. The walls were cracking and the windows shattering. The roof had caved in and the floor was crumbling. He was breaking.

She was in front of him. She was there. He'd thought he'd never see her again and yet there she freaking was.

Her eyelashes were just as long, her skin just as flawless. Her body just as charismatic and her timid smile just as amazing. The only thing different was her hair, and even that was gorgeous.

Agonizing inner turmoil was making his head spin. His nerves were in a constant shock and his stomach was causing him extreme distress. But who was he to worry about that, when she was there?

"You have to understand, I had to..." She told him, and her voice continued to send him into shock.

"You...you had to. Right." He said, not even sure himself if it was sarcasm, or seriousness.

"Please. You have to forgive me." She said, and he tried to back up further, successfully hitting his head on the wall.

He didn't say anything. He couldn't. He was stuck staring into her eyes, blinking only when absolutely necessary.

And suddenly it was all too much. He felt his insides whirl and his stomach lurch. He scrambled from the room clumsily, ignoring everyone's calls, and back to the sanctuary of his hospital bathroom.

Once there, he heaved into the toilet, unable to steady himself as he fell to his side.

The shock was too much. It was all too much.

XXX

Emily slid down the wall, hitting the floor lightly.

How could she have been naïve enough to think Reid would be okay? He was never okay. She'd just screwed him up for life. How had she thought she could do this? She couldn't do this. She just couldn't. Maybe...maybe it was best not to come back to the team. She could go somewhere else and travel? Maybe...maybe that was best.

"Emily?" Came Morgan's voice, timid and worried.

It was then that she realized they were all staring at her as she cried on the floor. Great. Always fun.

"I'm fine." She said coldly, and stumbled as she stood up. Morgan grabbed her arm to help her, but she pulled away from him.

"I should just go." She said, wiping her eyes.

"You can't! Reid'll be fine. You have to stay." Garcia insisted, but she shook her head.

"No...It's best that I go. You guys have something good here. A support system. I can't just stroll in and wreck that." Emily argued, backing up much like Reid had.

"You're not wrecking anything. Just stay." Rossi said simply.

"I can't-"

"Yes you can." Seaver interrupted, and Emily looked up in slight shock. To be honest she'd forgotten the blonde was even in the room. "You can stay, and you can make this right."

"Make what right?" She asked, her voice dripping with angry sarcasm.

Everyone looked at her silently, not a word coming from their mouths.

"I can't fix what I did to you. I ruined everything. I know that and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I have to go...this was a bad idea." She stated, and turned around, walking to the door.

"Em! Please." JJ called, desperation clear in her voice.

"You can't leave us again." Garcia said, her words cracking with the obvious conclusion that she was crying.

Emily spun to look at them.

"I can't stay. I've hurt you enough. I'm...I'm sorry." She said strongly, despite her tears.

And with that, she turned and left.

XXX

Spencer looked up when he heard footsteps in his room. They walked slowly towards the bathroom, where he was sitting crookedly on the floor.

And then she was in the doorway, making it all too much once again.

"Go." He said simply, tears running down his face.

"I am. I just thought you deserved a goodbye this time." Emily said simply, and ran a hand through her hair. He snapped his head up.

"Wait...you're actually leaving?" He asked in shock.

She couldn't leave. No. A second ago he had wanted that. But now? No, now he wanted her to stay, and never leave him again. The last few months had been hell, and he needed her to stay.

"Yeah. I can't just walk in and ruin you guys all over again. I'm sorry I did this to you Spencer." She said sadly, and sat on the floor across from him.

Reid took a moment (whether subconscious or by choice, he didn't know) to profile her. She was regretful and timid, obviously showing that she felt tremendous guilt, because the Emily he remembered was strong and witty. Her body language was apologetic as well, with her fidgeting hands and crossed legs. And that Emily Prentiss spark that was usually there, had diminished.

And that made Reid think.

This had obviously had a large toll on her as well. He wasn't the only one who'd lost a part of his life. Emily had hers taken out from underneath her. He had been very selfish, just focusing on his own pain. Looking at her now, he could tell she felt just as rejected and betrayed as he did. Hell, maybe she hated herself.

If he put himself in her shoes, he realized something. He would have done the same thing. He wouldn't have told the team because they were his family, and you always protect your family. He would have come back now because...well, how could he have stayed away? You couldn't just forget a team like this. There was a longing inside you for them, that they all got when they were on vacation, or a long weekend. Even when they were off sick.

Even now, with them right down the hall.

"Don't go." He said evenly, looking up to her.

"What?"

"Please don't go. I need you here. To get me through this." He said, and then with a shock to his heart, realized what he'd just said.

"Get you through what?" She asked, her expression changing. "I thought an unsub knocked you out."

He sighed. Could he tell her? He didn't want to, but he was desperate to keep her with him. So it was a shock that she was alive, so what? That didn't mean he didn't want her here. In fact, he wanted her here more than anything. He wanted to see her laugh, and smile, and joke around, and hold his hand, and...

"There was no unsub. And I wasn't knocked out." He whispered, and raked a hand through his messy, short hair.

"You lied to me." Emily said simply, looking at her feet on the cold bathroom floor.

Reid sighed again. Damn right he had. But so had she.

"Even stevens I guess." He joked, but there was no light behind it. It was a cold truth that couldn't have been spoken of unless in a half hearted attempt at a laugh.

"Yeah. Even stevens." Emily muttered, and he watched as she fiddled with her nails.

He still couldn't believe she was there. In front of him. Alive. He'd never thought he'd see her again, and yet here she was, biting her nails as always. Nothing ever changed. And yet, everything did at the same time.

"Emily...Emily I went back to Dilaudid." He admitted, barely a whisper.

The words didn't only break down the wall between them, but also the awkwardness. It vanished with a flash.

His hands began to shake with his confession, and his tears were no longer controllable. That all consuming shame reared its ugly head and filled him, causing him to sob.

And then Emily was beside his shaking frame, her feather light touch pulling at his heart. She wrapped her slim arms around him, enveloping him in a hug.

"Why?" She asked. The single syllable dropped like a dead bird.

He knew he should keep his mouth shut. After all, Emily had been through enough guilt. But...she was going to leave. She couldn't leave. Coming to that realisation, he felt as though he needed her like he needed air.

"You." He said, and tried in vain to keep his sobs in check.

Emily was silent.

**Alrighty guys, here's the long awaited chapter. Yes it's odd. Yes it probably makes you mad. And yeah, I did leave another cliff hanger there for ya.**

**Sorry about that.**

**Oh and I'm REALLY sorry about the wait. **

**Review my lovelies, xo**


	19. Chapter 19

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

"Me?" Emily asked him, and she watched as Reid looked down, face flushed. Whether it was her imagination or not, he seemed much more sick.

"Yes." He said, almost like a squeak. Guilt washed over her, settling in her heart.

"When you..er..died, I kind of hit rock bottom. Everything just piled on top of me. You know, my headaches, the guilt that what happened to you might have been my fault, and the fact that I thought I'd never see you again..." Spencer admitted, and shrunk into himself.

"I'm so sorry. I...It wasn't your fault Reid, Spencer." She corrected herself, "It was mine. I want you to know that I was stupid and thought I could do this by myself, because...well, I don't know why. But now I know I should have trusted all of you. And I'm glad I do, because without you, I wouldn't have really made it out of there."

Emily looked at him earnestly, but he looked down with a sniff.

"I'm so sorry." She said honestly, not having any other words.

"I wish that changed this." Reid whispered.

"So do I."

XXX

"She can't leave us!" Garcia worried out loud, sitting down shakily, still holding Kevin's hand.

"She won't. She'll be back. She has to be." Morgan muttered, probably to convince himself.

"I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. I brought her here." JJ said tearily.

"No, we all did." Hotch told her.

Penelope was still replaying the last few minutes in her head, over and over. Emily's tears, Reid's shocked face, their emotional conversation...

"Look what we've done...she's not gonna come back now." Derek said, and raised a hand to rub his forehead.

"That's what your worried about? Think about how this is gonna affect Reid!" Seaver pointed out, and one again, Penelope realized she'd forgotten she was even there.

"She's right. He'll be devastated. He might say he wants her gone, but we all know he's clinging to her like a life preserver on the inside. This will wreck him." Rossi explained, and Garcia looked down with guilt.

She hadn't even thought of that. She'd been selfish and focused on how she would miss Emily, not Spencer. Her poor baby genius...how would he make it through this?

There was a small knock at the door, and they spun around to see Emily standing there, tear streaks on her pink cheeks.

"Uh...can I talk to the adults?" Emily asked, gesturing to Jack and Henry, and speaking in a much different tone, as if she was only speaking to the kids.

"O-of course." JJ stuttered. "Will, could you take them to get a snack?"

Will nodded, and took Henry's hand, who grabbed Jack's.

"We just had a snack!" Henry said happily.

"Well lucky boys, you get another one." Hotch said, talking to his son much differently than he did to others.

Penelope looked up at Kevin.

"Could you go help him, babe?" She asked, standing up to kiss his cheek.

"But-"

"Honey Bunches..." She warned.

He seemed to get the message and nodded, waving awkwardly to the team and followed suit, running a hand through his messy, geeky hair.

"So..." Emily began.

XXX

Reid looked down, feeling regretful. He'd used guilt as a measure to make Emily stay. But what else could he have done? He was in love with someone he'd never have. He at least deserved her presence, right?

_No_, the voice in his head yelled. _She doesn't love you. She never will and she doesn't want to be here. She's only staying because she pities you. She pities your weakness. You're weak._

"No I'm not." He said, out loud and shaky.

_You are. The only reason the team is here, is because it would look bad if they weren't. They don't care._

"They do." He said, this time louder, and angrier.  
_  
No. You don't deserve them. You're nothing._

"Shut up." He muttered, covering his ears, knowing full well it would do nothing to silence the grinning voice.

_Weak._

"Shut up."

_Nothing._

"Shut up."  
_  
Worthless._

"Shut up!"

The voice didn't shut up. It just got louder, faster, more powerful. And he was powerless to stop it as it drilled into him, like a repetitive beat, wearing him away.

_Weak. Worthless. Nothing.  
_  
XXX

"So..." Emily said, and Morgan looked to her, wanting both to be angry and grateful she was even in the building.

"So? Please say you're staying. You can't do this to Reid." JJ urged, crossing her arms protectively.

"Shh, he hasn't told her!" Penelope whispered, but loud enough for everyone to hear.

Morgan groaned under his breath.

"Actually, he just did. And even though I've apologized to you, him, and then him again extensively, I just want to say sorry again. I...I made a big mistake." She admitted.

Morgan sat down, listening with everyone else.

"I can't leave you guys. I don't even know what I was thinking. Plus, Reid needs all of us right now. Me especially, seeing as though this was all my fault." Emily said, ending in a regretful whisper.

"No. This is all our faults. We're not singling anyone out." Rossi said strongly.

Morgan nodded in agreement.

"No, if I hadn't...If I hadn't done what I did, and gotten hurt...I wouldn't have hurt you. I wouldn't have hurt Spencer. The blame is mine." Emily insisted.

"No." Derek said, speaking up. "No, it's equally ours. We didn't pay enough attention, and because of that, he's here. He's in that room, going through withdrawal. We all take responsibility for that."

"And we all need to take responsibility in helping him. It's gonna be a long road." Hotch told them, back to his authoritative tone.

"I'll go talk to him. He needs company. I hate to say it, but I don't trust him alone." Seaver announced, flaring Morgan's anger.

How could she say that? She didn't know him. Morgan knew him. Morgan knew that kid inside and out. Or...Or did he? He hadn't seen this.

"You don't trust him?" Derek asked, anger clear in his silvery voice.

Seaver blushed, and stuttered. "I don't trust his mind."

"She knows what she's saying my Chocolate God." Garcia said, standing up. "You know Reid, his head's a dangerous place."

"That it is." JJ mumbled.

"So I'll take first shift." Seaver told Derek, warily, but effectively saved by Garcia.

He nodded, showing his apology.

XXX

Rossi sat down beside Emily, who had made an escape to the bustling hallway, and was sitting on a creaky bench. Her coffee was shaking slightly in her hands, and her eyes were on the edge of producing tears once again.

David sighed beside her, and she glanced up at him warily.

"Emily," He began, but she cut him off.

"Don't. Because-"

"I'm going to be honest with you. This may or may not be your fault. But yes, you hurt Spencer beyond belief. He cares so much about you, and you are literally going to have to be perfect. You can't do anything to damage him anymore. It only takes one more crack for him to crumble." Rossi said firmly.

Emily took a shaky breath, hardening her resolve.

"I know that. I just don't know what I was thinking, assuming I could come back and everything would be all fine and dandy. I was pretty naïve huh?" She asked, pushing her hair behind her ear.

Rossi scrunched his eyebrows together.

"No, you were hopeful. There isn't anything wrong with having hope. It's when you let that hope over power your rationale and common sense, that you have a problem." He explained, and she tried not to cry.

He sighed again.

"This will all work out. I can promise you it will. You, Hotch, and JJ have a lot of mending to do, but once the mending's done...you'll be fine. We'll all be fine." Rossi shrugged, a small, sad smile on his lips.

"How can you be so calm and together about all this?" Emily asked him

She herself was falling apart, overwhelmed and shaken.

"I might have had a hunch about what happened. And I held onto that hunch. That hope. And look: I'm okay." He said, a smirk appearing.

Emily smiled, unable to help herself.

"Would it be okay if I hugged you?" She asked pathetically, and fidgeted.

"Yes." He said, and she hugged him tightly, her emotions swirling.

"Good. Cause I would have done it anyways." She half-laughed, her head on his shoulder.

"This is the Emily I missed. I'm glad you're back." Rossi whispered.

"Ditto."

XXX

The constant worry hadn't left him, still eating away. Emily had said she'd stay, but would she? Would she keep the promise? Or would she run, leaving him to deal on his own?

Reid wasn't sure he could do that.

_She's leaving you. _The voice shouted.

He hadn't moved from his place on the bathroom floor. Seaver had come and gone, then Morgan, and now Garcia.

She tried to keep up a conversation, but his eyes wouldn't leave the doorway, continually hoping to see her slim, angelic figure breeze by.

"You know Spencer, this is all gonna work out. She's back and she isn't going anywhere. Baby Boy, I think you should tell her." Penelope suggested, the thought outrageous.

Even suggesting such a thing was crazy, considering all the emotions that had been flying around.

_Because of you._

He looked up at her, shock and doubt on his face.

"Not now of course. But don't keep that secret inside of you forever. It'll kill you. When the time's right, be honest with her. You'll be glad you did." She added.

He stuttered. "That...I..no-"

"Just think about it Boy Genius. I'll go get JJ, I'm sure her motherly instincts are killing her." Garcia said.

She kissed her fingers, and pressed them to his clammy forehead, light as air. The immense comfort it brought him was indescribable.

And as she left, he couldn't believe that he was actually doing as she said. He thought about what life with Emily would be like.

It was both terrifying, and ecstatically beautiful.

The voice in his head didn't vanish, but it lessened, hushed by the amazement that was Emily.

**Alrighty, there's the chapter! Short, I know. And I'm terribly sorry for the wait, I had technical issues and lost the chapter, therefore having to re-write it. **

**I'll be back with more, please review!**

**(Thanks for sticking with the story, I love you guys!)**

**xo**


	20. Chapter 20

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

Emily walked down the hallway, wobbly on her feet. Why, she wasn't sure, but she sure knew that it wasn't a pleasant feeling. Her insides were all over the place, from deja vu, to guilt, to worry...

"Em! Wait up!" Came her best friend's voice from behind her. She stopped her clicking heels and spun to see JJ, along with Seaver, trying to catch up.

"What?" She asked, a little too harshly.

"Uh...Reid wants to see you. I'd go if I were you; he needs you right now." Seaver answered, awkwardly avoiding eye contact.

Emily wished she could explain everything going through her head to them, but she couldn't make her voice work.

"You're his life preserver Emily." JJ added, and Emily felt her resolve crumble.

"I...I don't know what to do JJ...I know he needs me, and you know I'm here for him...It's just a lot to take in..." She said, taking deep breaths in order to stop herself from crying.

"Oh, Em... It's gonna be fine! Don't worry, this will all work out! It'll take time, but time heals." JJ explained soothingly, wrapping Emily in her arms.

Prentiss felt her nose begin to sting, the precursor to tears. This time she couldn't stop it as the prickling got worse and finally tears fell from her eyes.

"You know I don't believe in that...in that saying." She managed to utter through her hitched breathing.

"It doesn't matter. Whatever you do believe in...whether it be a saying, a feeling, or just yourself, you need to hold on to that." Seaver spoke up, and both JJ and Em whipped their heads around in surprise.

"Uh...that's actually really good advice. Thanks...thanks Ashley." Emily stuttered, wiping her face in a flustered way.

"Growing up with a serial killer for a dad definitely gives you a good sense of what to live by." Ashley admitted in a bittersweet tone.

The three women were quiet for a moment.

"Let's go see Reid. Cause I believe in him."

XXX

"Hey kid." Morgan said, sitting down on the bathroom floor.

It was his turn to watch the sick looking, weak, sad Reid that they'd still not become accustomed to. The genius looked worse by the minute.

"I'm not a-"

"Not a kid. I know Genius." Morgan interrupted, half teasing.

Reid looked back at the floor, and Derek couldn't help but notice how strange he looked. His skin was even paler than usual, his hair a matted mess, and the skin around his eyes had a purple tint. His lip quivered, his hands shook, and his eyelids blinked rapidly. He wasn't good.

"Where's Emily?" Reid asked, and Morgan shoved down the small hurt that rose in him.

He knew the kid had wanted her specifically, and of course he understood why, seeing as though his boy was in love with her. But still, rejection stung.

"The girls went to go find her. I'm here in the meantime." Derek stated, fiddling with his hands.

"Oh. Okay." Spencer muttered.

The enigma that he usually was had faded, leaving his raw emotions. And they weren't mild.

"Hey, Pretty Boy?" Morgan asked, getting an idea.

"I'm hardly pretty, Derek." Reid grumbled.

"Shush, don't make me smack you." Morgan winked. "Remember that case way back, when the unsub was shooting people in the stomach, and we were out in the area, trying to act out what he saw? And then Hotch said to get down, and-"

"And I was stupid and you had to tackle me?" Reid said in a monotone, although there was dry humour behind it.

"Damn right I did. Lookin out for you as always." Morgan joked, and saw Reid sigh.

"You'd failed your gun qualifications. I needed to make sure you were okay." Derek added.

"I know. That stupid whistle." He laughed coldly, his eyes lighting with memories.

"But then remember when we figured out it was a guy at the hospital? And you and Hotch got trapped?" Derek asked, skooting closer to Reid.

"Course I do. Eidetic memory." Spencer said simply, looking at the floor again. "I got hit by the unsub, cause I was being stupid and brought attention to myself."

"I would have done the same, Reid." Derek corrected.

"Well kid...I was scared out of my mind for you. That was the first time you were really shoved into danger, and you didn't even have a gun. Back then you were so..."

"Scrawny." Reid finished.

"Innocent." He corrected.

"And the entire time, I was bouncing around like Garcia on crack, because I was so terrified that something might happen to you. I knew Hotch would have a plan, but I worried that it could go wrong."

"Almost did." Reid shrugged, his caramel eyes becoming distant.

"But you saved the day. As always." Derek said. "You got him right between the eyes, and you saved everyone."

"First time I killed someone." Reid said, his bony hand tracing shaped on the tile floor.

"Hey, the first is the worst. Focus on who you saved." Morgan told him. "Anyway, right then, you pulled through."

"What's your point?" Reid asked, his eyes searching the other profiler.

"Spencer, at that moment, I knew you didn't need that stupid whistle. I didn't have to look out for you. You would be fine on your own. You were fine. And you will be fine." Derek explained, and he watched as Reid recoiled slightly.

"I'm not fine Morgan. Look at me. Even back then! I got kidnapped, drugged, beat up, then caved into my cravings and became addicted! That's weak. And even after that, it's always me being held hostage, and always me getting hurt. Infected with anthrax, headaches, knocked out...I'm the weak link of the team." Spencer mumbled.

"You're wrong. You're the strongest link." Derek corrected firmly.

Spence looked to him in confusion, his eyebrows furrowing.

"Pretty Boy, you never cease to amaze me. Look at everything you've been through! All that, right from when your dad left. You're still here, and you're still breathing. You've never once given up, never once given in. You are so, so strong. In fact, I've always envied you for that." Morgan finished, and Reid flushed pink.

"Kicking down doors is your job." Reid said, and Morgan couldn't help the oddly stretched laugh that escaped him.

"Physically. Metaphorically, that's all you, Genius." Derek said, moving to sit directly beside the shaky man.

"I'm no Superman. I want to be, but I'm not." Reid admitted, out of the blue.

Finally, finally, he'd opened the doors and let Derek in. It was an amazing victory for the damaged profiler.

"Every Superman starts out as a Clark Kent." He nearly whispered, putting a hand on the younger man's trembling arm.

XXX

"Hey Derek, I can take over from here." Emily said, and JJ watched with careful eyes. Spencer's entire posture changed dramatically once the woman he loved was in sight.

"Sure, sure. I'll see you in a bit Spencer." Morgan said, lifting himself off the floor. JJ noted his use of Reid's first name, briefly deciphering it.

"Uh, Morgan?" Reid asked, and JJ felt her heart stutter at the strange tone in his voice.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." Reid finished, a small smile growing on his lips, a miracle in itself.

JJ couldn't help the bright grin that appeared on her own face, and the warmth that shot through her.

Emily replaced Morgan on the bathroom floor, and JJ gave a small heartfelt wave, before following Morgan and Seaver back to the waiting room the team had basically taken over.

"Why'd he say thank you?" JJ asked as soon as they'd gotten back to the room.

Morgan took a seat beside Hotch and Garcia, grabbing a muffin from Garcia's basket. (JJ didn't even want to know where she got such a supply of treats.)

"I just helped him come to a few important conclusions. He opened up to me. It was great." Morgan said, in between large bites of his chocolate chip muffin.

"Oh. Well, good. He's making progress." JJ stated, helping herself to a blueberry muffin.

"He's got a long road ahead of him, you know." Hotch said holding Jack in his arms. The boy was nearly asleep on his dad's shoulder; obviously tired from such a long day.

Long day...JJ looked up to search for a clock, before realizing she could just check her watch. Holding it close to her face, she read the small numbers. It was nearly 10:00 PM. Yikes, she hadn't had any idea.

Garcia looked up and seemed to feel the same way, and spoke up.

"It's getting really late." She spoke, not quite finishing the obvious conclusion.

Would they go home? How could they, after all the days like this? With Emily there it seemed much more stable and steady. Almost like they could go home...no. No, JJ had to stay. She didn't want to go home, or leave Spencer. She wanted to stay with him, permanently. She was sure nearly everyone else did as well, but the children needed rest and so did some of the adults...JJ looked at Seaver, who looked like she would fall asleep any minute.

"I guess I have to take Jack home." Hotch stated regretfully, looking at the ground. JJ wished she could help him, but she wasn't going anywhere.

"Well, I can take Henry home of course. Maybe he and Jack could have a little sleepover at our house." Will said, a smile on his face. JJ looked at her son, sleeping in his daddy's arms, and felt her eyes water.

"I couldn't put that burden on you, I mean..." Hotch trailed off.

"No, you and the team need to be here. You've been with Reid all along, and he needs that." Will responded, and JJ smiled with pride.

"Uh...I don't mind helping you out. If that's okay, that is. I don't mean to cross any lines." Seaver suggested, running a hand through her hair.

JJ bit her lip. Okay, so she knew Seaver was no threat. In fact, she was far from it. But she didn't like the idea of just the other blonde and Will looking after the boys...in the same house...at night...

Penelope suddenly elbowed Kevin, who looked at her with raised eyebrows. A stutter escaped his lips, but PG gave him a look that crushed all arguments.

"I'd be happy to help too, you guys need to be with Reid, and I'm sure Will and Seaver need help." He told them, looking at Garcia in submissive annoyance.

"Well, I guess that settles that." JJ said, feeling slightly better about the idea.

...

"I know sweetie, but you'll be back in the morning!" JJ assured her son, who had red eyes and pink cheeks. His worry and separation anxiety was more than just showing through.

"But I wanna stay wif Uncle Pesser!" Henry argued, is bottom lip quivering.

"I'll tell you what. How about in the morning, when Daddy and the others are getting ready, you draw Uncle Spencer a picture? That way when you come back, he'll know just how much you missed him." She suggested, and watched as Henry's eyes decided upon the dilemma.

"Okay...but pwomise you will tell Uncle Pesser that I wuv him?" He asked, and Jayje felt her own eyes begin to sting again.

"Of course honey. Now you go have an amazing sleepover with Jack. Make sure to say thank you to Ashley and Kevin for helping out. Okay?" She said, hugging her son in the cool night air. It blew around them in a soothing remedy.

"Okay. I wuv you Mommy." Henry told her, bopping her on the nose.

"I love you more, my baby star."

XXX

"What did you do all that time when you were in France?" Spencer asked her, his eyes stinging. Her hair brushed her shoulders effortlessly, and her eyelashes were as perfectly curled as always.

"Mostly think of you guys. I tried writing, but it always ended up something along the lines of what happened to me. I tried song writing, but it always ended up something like 'Doyle You Fucker'. So I kinda ended up playing online scrabble with someone named CheetoBreath." She answered, her voice like wind chimes.

"JJ?" Reid asked knowingly, and she grinned. He felt a smile tug at his lips as well.

"Anything else?" He asked out of pure curiosity. He'd missed so much, he felt like he needed to know everything. She ran a hand through her black hair, and it gave him butterflies.

"I did paint quite a bit. Water color mostly." She admitted, and he felt his insides warm. He pictured her sitting by an easel, her brush colouring a paper into a beautiful...

"What did you paint?" He questioned, fidgeting on the cold linoleum floor. He lent his head back against the shower door, letting the cold plastic sooth his head ache momentarily.

"Well, mostly things from here. Garcia's pens...Morgan's dogtags...your coffee mug...your ties, your mismatching socks. Oh, and your Converse." She said, seemingly losing herself in her memory.

Reid felt his heart stutter for a moment, realizing her paintings consisted mostly of his belongings. But what on Earth did that mean?

**Sooooooo Sorry it took so long, I haven't been well. Review!**

**xoxo**


	21. Chapter 21

_Disclaimer: I own nothing my friends!_

**Lost In Sadness**

"Wow...you, uh, drew a lot of my stuff huh?" Spencer asked, his hands still shaking violently.

"Yeah. I think I missed you the most. There's no one quite like you Reid. _Spencer. _You're so amazingly honest. And you're so smart, and adorable, just and loyal. Really, you're so unique." Emily said, sending his heart into a butterfly frenzy.

"Uh...well, thanks. I guess." Reid muttered, fighting down a bout of nausea.

"Since when do you have to guess about anything?" Emily joked, scooting so close that he could smell her vanilla shampoo, and flowery perfume.

Intoxicated with the amazingness that was Emily Prentiss, Reid stuttered.

"Um...well...aha..." He just couldn't find words as he tried to shake the crazy thoughts that invaded his mind.

"Spencer...can I ask you a question?" Emily asked, pushing a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "I'm aware I might be stepping over some boundaries..."

"Don't worry about it. The boundaries got blurry ages ago. Ask away." He said, and avoided her eyes as he traced the pattern on the wooden cabinet.

"Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm utterly out of my mind, and just being incredibly hopeful. But...I have to ask you...do you...am I...do you think we're just friends? Or are we...I mean what are your views...how do you feel...about...me?" She stuttered out, her eyebrows furrowing, and her lips shivering.

Reid felt his heart skip a beat. Was she...was she asking...he thought it was just him...but no...she...she had to be kidding, right?

"Wait...what...Emily..." He trailed off, unable to locate the right sentence.

"You know what, I was being stupid. I'm sorry. I'll go and get JJ or someone." Prentiss said, her face pink.

But before she could leave, Spencer grabbed her arm, albeit shakily, and he felt her stop.

"Don't go. Please. Never go again." He said meekly, and felt his nose sting with the promise of tears.

She turned around, her brown eyes connecting with his.

"I...I thought it was just me...I mean...wait, you do mean...like, uh..." He stuttered once again, and bit his lip.

"I mean, when I was in Paris, I found myself...I wanted...I wanted...you." Emily said, seeming like it took the life out of her to even say it.

"Emily...I thought...I mean it took me thinking you were dead to realize it...I want you...as well." He said, very awkwardly.

Prentiss seemed to fight with her resolve for a moment, sending his stomach aflutter. He watched as she sat down beside him again, and stared into his eyes, making him suck in a breath.

She was so...she was stunning. She was gorgeous. An enigma called Emily.

She leaned in and kissed his shaking forehead, her lips soft and warm. Her long hair fell near his face, brushing lightly on his cheeks.

"Em..." He said simply, barely a whisper.

"Spence."

XXX

"Emily's been in there a long time." JJ stated simply, lying on her fleece blanket.

They'd all set down sleeping bags, and some were lying down, other slumped against chairs. The lights had been dimmed, and the door shut. They'd decided to try and get some sleep, but of course none of them had managed to.

"That could be a good thing." Hotch stated, his phone illuminating his stressed face. He looked worn out, and JJ wondered if that's how she looked as well.

"Do you think she knows? About his feelings towards her?" Rossi asked, and JJ looked over to see him put his hands behind his head.

"I hope he tells her. They'd be so adorable." Penelope said, as she cuddles further into Derek's chest.

"I don't know if he has the guts." Morgan mused, kissing Pen's hair.

"Well...would it be betraying him if we...like, helped him? Gave her a little information and then asked if she could see it?" Seaver asked, rolling onto her stomach and resting her head on her hands.

"We couldn't do that to him, he wouldn't want us to." Hotch said with a tone of finality.

"But then what do we do? Wait back and watch him pine after her and have her clueless?" Garcia asked, holding Derek's hand.

"You know, she might be clueless about his feelings, but I think she has some of her own." Jayje said, sitting up.

"Excuse me?" David asked, turning onto his side in the dim lighting.

"Well, have you really looked at the way she looked at him? And think about their relationship before she...you know, fake died. She's the only one I've ever seen hold his hand. The only one who knew about his headaches. And the only reason she turned down his movie date was because of Doyle. I think...I think she might like him too." She further explained, and she watched as everyone raised their eyebrows in realization.

"Wow. So maybe we don't have to betray Reid to get the ball rolling. Maybe we keep the subject on her, and see where the conversation goes." Morgan suggested, and JJ nodded.

"Man, we're turning into annoying matchmakers." Hotch said, finally clicking his phone's screen off.

"Well what else do we have to do, my doves? I mean, Reid needs us to recover, especially Emily. We're just trying to help him get better, the only way we know how. As I've said before, I don't even play a doctor on TV, so how else can I help?" She asked with a wink, causing a few of them to chuckle lightly.

"I guess I see your point. We'll play it by ear, eh?" Seaver asked, mostly directed at Hotch.

"What other choice do we have, I feel like a jerk not doing more to help him." The unit chief finished the conversation.

They drifted into silence, their own thoughts consuming the cozy space in which they lay.

XXX

Morgan sat up as the door opened, light spilling into the room, nearly blinding him.

Once his eyes adjusted, he saw Emily move into the room, and shut the door.

"Hey." She whispered, for fear of waking anybody up.

"We're all awake, Em. Don't need to whisper." JJ said in a monotone.

"Oh, okay. So I have something important to tell you guys." She said, but Morgan spoke before she continued.

"Actually, we wanna ask you something first." He said, feeling Penelope tense against him.

"Okay?"

"Uh...someone else ask her, I can't do it." Morgan backed out, feeling heated.

"Don't look at me." Hotch said, and Seaver shook her head.

"Nuh uh." Rossi mumbled.

"Um...Em..." Jayje trailed off, and Derek looked up at the ceiling.

"Oh for the love of tiramisu! Emily, do you like our little Genius?" Garcia asked ubruptly.

Emily's face changed into a showing of surprise. Her lips pursed, and she tucked hair behind her ear lightly.

"Oh...guys..." She mumbled, and rubbed her forehead.

"Look, if you don't, just please don't hurt his feelings. He's been hurt enough Emily, he doesn't need rejection." Hotch added, and Morgan noted that he seemed too throw the 'keep the secret' resolve out the window.

"Guys,"

"No, Em, he really, really likes you." JJ explained, much like an overprotective mom.

"GUYS." Emily interrupted, catching their attention.

"He told me. After I told him how I feel. Alright?" She told them, sitting in a chair.

Morgan felt his heart leap.

"So...what? You like my Baby Boy? Are you together? Not? Tell me everything my Sugar Plum!" Garcia cooed.

"Chill out PG! I don't know what it is, and I don't know where it's going. How about we decide that _after _he recovers, huh?" Prentiss settled the argument, her eyes alight with an unknown happiness.

"Oh...right." Pen said sheepishly, and Derek tickled her side.

XXX

Reid put his forehead to the cold glass of the shower door. His nausea was overwhelming, and his entire body was aching.

His mind was swirling with outcomes, statistics, memories and emotions.

Suddenly a sharp pain rocketed through his stomach, causing him to gasp in pain, tears pushing against his eyes. The pain was electric, circling within his gut.

Another shock zinged through him, and this time he cried out in pain, the agony overwhelming.

His throat was hoarse, and his mind scared. He didn't understand what was happening, as this wasn't part of withdrawal the previous time.

He was beginning to feel dizzy, as another wave of pain rocketed through his veins, sparking and shocking along the way.

He tried to stand up and go get help, but he collapsed to his knees as agony shot through him once again.

Blackness taunted the sides of his vision, and he called out, not sure of the words leaving his dry throat.

He wished for Emily to come and hold him, to help him through this like a lifesaver. He wanted Morgan to help him, his strength allowing for them to move from the floor he was now collapsed on. He wanted Hotch to explain what was happening, because for once, he didn't know what the hell was going on. And he wanted JJ and Penelope to brush his hair with their fingers, comforting him. He'd even settle for Rossi or Seaver, as just their presence would aid him.

But nobody came when he called out. He was alone on the cold floor, curled into a ball, cheek pushed against the tile.

Finally, the agony induced blackness overtook him, covering him like a blanket as he gave in to the force, his eyes fluttering closed with a last whisper.

"Help..."

**MHHM. What on earth is going on with our Spencer! Oh and to the person continually reviewing with comments such as 'this has turned into a terribly over-dramatic, stupid story' please, go ahead and sop reading if it that terrible.**

**Now, I did add this last part to hopefully lessen the matchmaker theme, but honestly, I can't please everyone.**

**Review NICELY, thank you.**

**xo**


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